Questions...

Can someone please explain to me why my damn boobs are so frickin sore??? We all know I ain't pg... So what the heck is going on? I think it may have something to do with not having a period last month... (After 21 days on the bcp's we saw that my friendly cyst was still there and he immediately put me on another 21 days of BCPatch... Dr. said that there was no need for me to take the week of "fake" BCP... and just skipping the period would be no biggie) Do you think this could be the reason for the rock like boobs? Also... do you ovulate when you are on BCP? I have had sharp pains in my ute the past few days? (Don't jump to conclusions I told you we KNOW there is no way I am pg... with all the Met sickness there hasn't been much going on in our bedroom the past few weeks!)

Anyway.. just wondering... If anyone knows... tell me!

One more week until the next u/s to check on the progress of my (hopefully) shrinking cyst.

Enough for now...

Unfair...

I was planning on writing a post today about the joys of being out of school for the summer filled with promises of getting back to blogging and news that (knock on wood) I am starting to feel human again and *think* I am getting a hold of my diet and what foods I can't eat because of the nausea...

...but...

I just found out that my friend Jennie from PW just lost her precious baby boy today at 20 weeks due to an infection. I am so sad and stunned that this could happen. All the girls at PW TTC~Over a Year are so supportive and kind... but it is just so damned unfair.

Please pray for Jennie, her husband and their families... I can't imagine the pain they are feeling tonight.

I won a friggin Hummer last night!!!!!

Wow... Last night at the awards ceremony I was named outstanding theatre teacher in North Texas out of 121 school districts and over 250 theatre teachers. I was awarded the Hero Award which includes a $1000 honorarium and the use of a Hummer for a year! I was stunned and go to make a speech in front of about a thousand high school theatre students. It is quite an honor! I also received a beautiful engraved crystal trophy and a medal.



I don't know when I will get the Hummer... They want to award it to me at a pep rally at school and that probably means waiting until the next school year because there are only 6 school days left. (That is ok... because last night when I got home I looked up the gas mileage... 8 - 13 miles per gallon... sooooo... I will probably keep driving my 1999 Hyundia Tiburon.) I don't know many details about getting the vehicle yet... Mr. D. is so proud but keeps asking "Do we HAVE to take the Hummer?" I think he is worried about gas and insurance expenses!

I am excited to go to school today and share my award with my students... but I am also a little nervous about all the congratulations I will get... Accolades (especially from adults) tend to make me uncomfortable... I guess it is something I will have to get over... fast!

Tonight is our Theatre Banquet and we will be saying goodbye to all the seniors... that will be bittersweet! But celebration is in the air today so I plan to sit back and try to enjoy it!!!

On to Met news... hopefully I am not speaking to soon.. BUT... last night I took my 1500 mg dose of the MET extended release... and this morning I feel more normal than I have felt in weeks.... no nausea... no dry heaves... just... normal... I really hope this feeling will last... if it does that will be the biggest reason to celebrate!

update...(Update on the UPDATE!!!) scroll down!

I spent over $100 on THIS to help with nausea. The weird thing is it doesn't help anything but the nausea... so even when I am wearing it my tummy still fells iffy and I still feel pretty much like a slug. You wear it on your wrist and it sends electricity (I guess) to a very specific nerve through your hand. It feels like I am wearing a vibrator on my wrist that vibrates ever 4 seconds. Honestly... I am not sure that it is working for me yet. I have 30 days to take it back and get my $$$ back... so we will wait and see.

I will see the Dr. today ay 2:30. Mr. D. wants me off the Met because he hates seeing me so miserable... but I keep thinking that if I just give it more time my body will adjust to it. I have been on 1450 mg every night and I still feel sick most of the day. I am going to ask about the Met XR today... maybe the extended release will be easier on me. I WANT this to work.. I want to have healthy ovaries... I WANT to have a baby... But I never knew that it would be this hard.

In good news... I took my final BCP last night... Can you believe it has been 21 days??? Officially I am not on CD 25 and if all goes well I will start AF in the next couple of days. Tonight I will attend a big awards ceremony for theatre in our area and I am nominated for a major award for teaching. If I win I will have to accept the award on a huge stage and make a big speech... If I win, I just hope that I can speak without crying and I hope that I can get through the evening without dry heaving at an inopportune time.

Update... doctor's office did not go so well. The little cysts were gone but the large cyst is still there... it was 2.4 cm last time and 2 cm this time so it is shrinking. I asked if he thought I might need surgery to get rid of the cyst and he said no... that it just needs more time to go away. (Please God.. let him be right...) Soooo.. what that means for me is another month on bcp... well not pills.. this time they gave me the patch because they said it has less a chance to make me nauseous. I also have a new prescription for Met ERA (extended release to see if that helps will the nausea too...) Sucks... it just sucks. I didn't even cry yet... I just can't. I guess I am getting used to bad news.

Lets hope the awards tonight have a better outcome...

I am considering having a "Name my Cyst" contest so post your idea's for her... Yeah.. I am pretty sure it is a her... why? Because she is being such a little stubborn fucking bitch... that's why.

In a Cave...

I have been feeling very cavish lately... I just do not feel social at all. I am ok.. but still feel queasy about 75% of my day which really is causing me to sink lower and lower into a funk. I talked with my therapist about is on Wednesday and she feels like it is normal and ok for me to be feeling low right now... In fact she said "How could you NOT be feeling depressed... you have been nauseous almost constantly for 3 weeks... and that is enough to make anyone feel off".

I think I am so resentful that I feel like I have "morning sickness" all day long. There is something just so ironic about that. I could go on and on about it being unfair and do the whole "why me???" thing... but honestly.. I just don't have the energy.

I have not posted on PW in several days.. I don't know why. I haven't even really been lurking much. I just have lost the desire to help other people right now (I know that sounds horrible)... but I just can't be encouraging... I feel so negative right now. I still visit blogs every couple of days. IPP ... I still love all of you gals and I am praying for you every day. I guess... I just need a break to get my head together.

I have decided not to increase my dosage this week... I am just not used to the 1450 mg enough. I see my doctor on Monday for an internal u/s to look at my ovaries... hopefully the cysts are gone. I will tell my doctor about the queasiness and make sure it is OK that I am living on Tums and Gas X... along with BusPar. So far I haven't lost any weight... mostly because I am eating constantly to try to settle my stomach...

I am really busy at work.. we had a show last night and tonight, and awards ceremony on Monday night, and our banquet on Tuesday night. After that I have 1 week to "close down" the theatre for the summer which means a lot of paperwork, shopping for next years supplies, and cleaning out everything. I can't believe that in less than 2 weeks (on the 25th) I will be out of school for the summer! I don't go back until August 8th! If I can just make it through the next 2 weeks I think I will be OK... Maybe over the summer I can get my head together and try to remember what "normal" feels like.

OK.. enough whining. I have a great life, a great job, a great home, and an incredible loving husband... What have I got to complain about???

Quick...

Just a quickie... I was able to up my Met dosage this weekend to 1450 mg per nights without much pain... I took it all at night with the BusPar and it seems to be ok... I have had 3 doses and so far I feel ok except for the queesies every once in a while. If all goes well plan to try to get to my full dose this weekend.... 1700 mg... Still a little nervous.

I am on my last week of birth control.. So hopefully I will be back to TTC in 3 weeks... Hoping the cysts are gone and that my ovaries have reset...

I am still fighting a lot of depression this week... Being sick and tired and still going 100 miles an hour at work takes a lot out of a person. I have so much on my plate over the next two weeks at work... I just have to get through it.

I'll try to update soon... I am just not feeling very inspired lately...

Less sick...

I am back to the 850 Met dose at night... and I am feeling a little bit better... I started taking my anti anxiety meds on top of the Met... and that is really helping with the queasiness (no one told me that major anxiety is a side effect). I was feeling so jittery and just basically felt like I was coming out of my skin. Once my MIL (who is diabetic) mentioned that she had major anxiety on her glucaphage I started taking my BusPar that I quit taking several months ago and it really helps. I am now super bloated and really constipated... but at least I can now feel a little more normal.

I am supposed to try to double up my dose again this weekend.. The nurse said to take it all at night (not to split it all up). HOW WILL THIS HELP ME BE LESS SICK??? I think I will try to take a dose and a half (1475 mg) on Friday night and see what happens. I am scared...

uggghhh...

A Gross Post ~WAAAY TMI...

If there were in a Celebrity Deathmatch between me and Metformin... Metformin would be kicking my ass.. hands down... no holds barred... Kicking my ass and mopping the floor with me.

I was doing sort of OK until I had to double my dose on Saturday to 1700 mg a day... I don't know if I have EVER been that sick in my life. It started out a queesy.. but not like queesy I have ever known.. This was dizzy, car sick, rollercoaster sort of queezy that brought me to tears... I was just wishing to throw up or to poop... But NOTHING.

On Sunday afternoon the doctor called in some anti-nausea medicine (which ironically listed its side effects as nausea and vomiting...) But Sunday night I was sooooo sick... The kind of sick that involves a toilet and a trashcan... at the same time.

I called my doctor Monday morning and I am back to one dose a day (850 mg). We will try 2 together at night with the antinausea medicine starting Friday night. I dread every single pill I have to take almost to the point of tears.. Is this what poison feels like? I keep thinking of the little girl in THE SIXTH SENSE who's mom is poisoning her... you know the one that pukes everywhere... yep... that's me.

Even though I am back on 1 pill a day I still am hit hard buy the side effects. The most notable are the (1) queasiness that never ends... Everything makes me dizzy especially reading and the computer screen. (2) Exhaustion like I have never known... this morning I actually had to lay down between getting dressed and leaving for work... I sleep all the time.. I think because it is the only break from the queasiness... and (3) Constipation... I guess I will store everything up for several days and then have cramps and diarrhea... niiiiice.

Work is miserable... I feel like a zombie... Even the easiest tasks seem to take everything out of me. I have no patience and actually thought I might lunge at a student yesterday that told me she "didn't feel like she was learning anything" in my class. I actaully had to leave the room so I did not lose it. Needless to say that class will be doing lots of bookwork for the rest of the week... and her classmates that were perfectly happy coasting for the last 15 days of school can let her feel their wrath instead of mine. Fair? probably not... but better than lashing out at her? yes. I always err on the side of passive aggressive...

Please... I need stories that this will end... I need top have hopes of this miracle cure making me lose 20 lbs., have clear skin, and the help me have a happy healthy baby.

Come on girls... lie to me about the Met.