Taking Charge of my Fertility...

So I have had cause to do a lot of thinking about my fertility issues lately... Am I doing enough? Am I doing everything I can? Am I to scared to move forward? Hmmm... I feel that I am working really hard to take care of myself and I wanted to get some things straight in my head and since that is the whole point of this blog... here goes...

Moving forward: I want to do IUI. I am ready and have saved up the $$$... My husband and I are on the same page and that is the course of action we want to take. I was planning to try to get 2 cycles in over the summer and hoped I would be pregnant in the fall. Mind you that early on in my process with Dr. Untrustworthy he did mention a lap... but he himself said it would be for exploratory reason and not because I had any real "symptoms" or reasons to do it. I decided at that time that I would only do a lap if a doctor could actually tell me that I needed one. So I stayed out of the stirrups from December to April and saved up the cash for 2 IUI's. At my most recent visit Dr. Untrustworthy decided that I "need" to have the lap before I do the IUI's. As many of you know I have "left" this doctor twice before once because he told me to "come back when there was something he could do for me" after refusing to monitor my cycles because he "didn't think" I was ovulating... and then again because of what I considered unscrupulous advice back when he tried to charge me $550 after I started a clomid cycle for monitoring that his office never told me wasn't covered by my insurance... Basically before he diagnosed me as "infertile" when my insurance would cover monitoring he wouldn't do it... then he diagnosed me (without my knowing there was a change of status) and then tried to charge me out of pocket. I also saw another doctor in the middle of all this... one that gave me clomid but also refused to monitor and I ended up with dozens of tiny cysts and had to do 3 rounds of BCP to get rid of them. So... I am done with Dr. Untrustworthy. I will see him if I need something small (like this bladder infection) but he will not be doing surgery on me.

So... I called this big fertility clinic this week... the number that my nurse practitioner slipped me. And I do have an appointment... for August 22. This is super depressing since this was the summer that I really wanted to do 2 IUI's. But I can't even get a consultation for 3 months. Today I have a call into this doctor my SIL gave me... this doctor is not an RE... but he "specializes" in infertility. Can someone please explain to me the difference of someone who is an RE and someone who calls himself a "specialist"??? Who knows when they will be able to get me in... I am just sitting by the phone waiting. I am including both of the links to these doctors so you can read up on these places and give me your opinions... I know that I am stabbing in the dark here... but I have got to find someone who I like and trust.

I also now have to go back to my very first doctor and get all of my records... again... which is a a huge pain in the ass. By law Dr. Untrustworthy only has to give me the records from his office even though 18 months ago I had all my previous records transferred to him in the first place. This time I will keep a copy for myself... but at the time I just had them mailed directly to Dr. Untrustworthy because I though they would get there faster... Now they are being held hostage.

When I finally get into a new doctor I plan on doing the lap if the doctor thinks I need one... but if it is just a "shot in the dark" I would rather just move to IUI.

As after as IVF's go... My husband and I do not want to do IVF... Our insurance doesn't cover it at all and I have seen way to many people on their 4th or 5th cycles and still not pg. That is fine if you are covered by insurance but at $10,000 - $15,000 a pop... we just can do that. Plus, we have never found a reason for my miscarriages... so to spend that kind of money with a high chance of losing it is something I am not ready to do.

Whoa.. second doctor just called... I am seeing them tomorrow at 4pm.

So that is where I am. Moving forward at my own pace and hopefully searching to find a doctor who cares about me as a patient and not just as a dollar sign or as a number on a lab slip.

Not pregnant...

CD 2.

Today when I woke up two things were clear to me... #1 I needed to see a doctor about my bladder infection and #2 I am just not comfortable having my current doctor do surgery on me. I have though a lot about it... and I just don't like my doctor enough to let him cut me open.

So.. this morning before work I emailed another doctors office that my SIL recommended. I decided this morning that I would at least get a second opinion. I also called the nurse at my current doctors office and asked if I could swing by and pee in a cup and get a prescription for my bladder infection. I felt ok about "using" my current doctor for small things but surgery is another story... plus the new doctor that I called actually teaches other doctors how to do lap surgery... so there is no big deal waiting and getting another opinion. And if the second opinion is that I need the lap then I will pick a doctor and do it.

Fast forward to my doctor visit... my current doctor was out of the office and so I saw the nurse practitioner... (I am not sure what the difference is between a nurse and a nurse practitioner is exactly... but I know that even though they are not doctors the NP's can do exams and write prescriptions.) So... after I peed in the cup and we waited for a "just to be sure" pregnancy test she asked me "So what are you doing about trying to get pg?

I told her about wanting to move on the IUI and how the dr. strongly suggested a lap and she said "Have you been diagnosed with endo before?" No. "And you have had a hsg that was clear?" Yes. "and you have been pregnant twice?" Yes. She asked about my periods... regular, back cramps the first day, headaches and tylenol seems to make me feel better.... "no vomiting, passing out or staying home from work with cramps" No. I mentioned that although my tubes were clear in the hsg he though maybe the "little hair-like fingers" at the ends of the tubes might not be functioning... "Yeah.. but you have been pregnant...twice" she said again. I told her that if I need the surgery I will do it... but I just don't understand the reasoning behind it... then I said "I guess it is just the next step" and she says "well... it is a step". Then she opens her desk drawer and says "don't tell anyone about this..." and she hands me a card OF ANOTHER DOCTOR!!!! Then she says.. "I just don't see his reasoning for surgery.. and a second opinion is never a bad thing." I almost fell out of my chair. His own Nurse Practitioner thinks I should see another doctor! Then she gave me a prescription and told me to start taking it and they would call when my urine culture came back... (they couldn't do a dip because I was taking AZO over the counter meds that made me pee fluorescent orange and would mess up the dip test.) And then I left.

I left with a distinct feeling (as if a sign from God) that seeing another doctor is exactly the right thing to do. If I get another opinion that suggests I need the lap... I will do it... but this doctor is not for me. And today I feel like I might have received divine confirmation of that.

What do you think?

cd 31...

Not much to post about... here are the highlights...

1. Cd 31 waiting on AF. Nope... I haven't tested...

2. Have make no new plans about the lap. Mr. D. doesn't want me to do it with my current doctor since I don't like him that much. Waiting for the end of school and AF to kick start me into getting a plan.

3. 3 more days of school... I just may make it.

4. The cleaning at work is really kicking my butt... I have been cleaning out files and piles on my desk so I can "shut down for the year... Besides my office I also have a costume shop, a scene shop, 2 dressing rooms, a copy room, and an entire theatre to clean out and keep organized... add 100 kids who like to "stash" crap everywhere instead of putting it away properly and a crazy co-teacher who is worse with making messes than all 100 students... and you can see why I am exhausted.

5. I thought I had a yeast infection but it didn't clear up with the meds I got... now I think it is a bladder infection... I am peeing about 15 times a day (webmd says 6 is average). I know that is a pg symptom... but..
I.
just.
don't
think.
so.

I am trying cranberry juice...

6. Mr. D. and I have been on 4 big bike rides since getting out bikes.. our longest was 6 miles.. Is that good? I don't know... we just ride until we are tired... usually about an hour... Anyway it is more exercise than I have been getting... so that is a start.

7. All performances are over, banquet is over, new officer elections are over... last night we won three big awards for North Texas high school musical theatre... I still have a calendar meeting, 5 final exams, a UIL meeting, $700 to spend at Home Depot, $200 to spend at Target, finances to close out, grades to average, the whole "signing out for the summer process, and of course the cleaning.... Oh yes... and the sad part... I have goodbyes to say to my graduating students that I have taught for 3 years... Please God... Can't we just fast forward to Sunday???

8. We booked our week in Florida... Here are pics of our condo... I am so excited... I just can't wait to be done with school so I can start looking forward to my vacation and relaxation... No school May 28 - August 4.. How fucking sweet is that????

9. Mr. D. turns 45 on Friday... He picked out a swimsuit, towel, shirt, and flip flops for part of his birthday gift. I want to think of something else to surprise him with... but so far I can't come up with anything else... hmmm... any ideas???

10. Mr D. pulled out the last of our carpet (our bedroom and the attached sitting room). We are now carpet free!!!!! The crew will be here on Monday to finish the Pergo floors. For those of you that remember we did the living room and dining room in November, the office and extra bedroom in April, and now it will all be finished by the end of next week. Now we all are Pergo, ceramic tile and area rugs... MUCH better for a household of 3 kitties and a 13 year old pup.

Ok... that is all the ketchup for now. Hopefully I will post more often once school is over and life calms down... I will let you know when AF arrives and if she comes full of "inspiration" about what the heck I am supposed to do next.

I'm baaack....(with a sad update...

UPDATE: It is called perspective... My deepest sympathies go to Jessica's family and friends... it is just horrible news for our blogging community. She will be missed by thecountless lives she touched both in "real life" and on the web. So so sad.

Sorry for the delay in an update... I have been both busy with school and still confused about the lap. I know it seems like an easy decision... just do it... but my problem is (as many of you know) I don't really like my doctor. I mean I am sure he knows what he is doing... but his bedside manner is very casual and I don't really feel like he is "invested" in me or my pregnancy trials. I could find another doctor... but that means starting over and I just don't know if I feel up to that. So... I will be deciding in the next couple of weeks whether to ignore my fears and do the lap (making the appointment as soon as I get my period) or to ignore my doctor and forget the lap... OR as soon as I am out of school make it my new full-time job to find a doctor who I really like and feel safe with.

School sucks... my partner is doing nothing and it is driving me nuts! Since I last posted I have run so many events totally alone and it pisses me off! He is in another fucking world and I wish that he would wake up and realize that soon... I am going to blow! Tonight is our theatre banquet... yay! I have planned it at a wonderful restaurant (Maggiano's) and I have purchase all the awards, overseen the end of the year video, written all of the awards presenters speeches, arranged which kids will be speaking at banquet, purchased EVERYTHING for our candlelight thespian induction ceremony and had countless meetings with the kids planning every detail of this huge event... My co-worker probably doesn't even know what time he is supposed to be there. I am starting to hate him.

Guess what.. Mr. D. And I bought brand new shiny bikes this weekend!!! Mine is really cool and PURPLE! I haven't had a bike since I was in 7th grade so I sort of have had to learn to ride again! Last night we took our first big bike ride. We went all the way to the rec center and back home.. about 4 miles! That is pretty good for a total couch potato! Our plans are to ride each morning to the rec center and work out and swim and then ride home. Won't that be healthy of us??? So far I love my new bike and I really look forward to riding her with my hubby.

Today is cd 24... I have all the normal symptoms... I am praying like mad that this is my month and all of this lap business is for nothing. At least I know I ovulated... that's the first step. I wouldn't go so far to say I am hopeful... desperate is more the feeling I am having. This time next week I will either be pg or making a lap appt... Pray.

Dr. visit..

Good News - I am ovulating... at least this cycle. I have a 18mm follicle that my Dr. said could go anytime... So Mr. D. and I better get crackin... I am not using the monitor this month (I thought I would wait to spend another $50 for sticks after I knew what was happening. No signs of cysts. Yay!

Bad News - My Dr. strongly suggested that I do a laperoscopy before we try the IUI's. I am scared and really didn't want to have a surgery... even a small one. Mr. D. doesn't seem thrilled about me having the lap either (he is scared too)... and that makes it even harder on me because I feel like I am considering doing something that he is not 100% behind. We know the main part of my tubes are clear... At least they were 3 years ago when I had the HSG... but he told me that the little hair-like ends that actually pick up the egg may have endo (or scar tissue from years ago when I had pelvic inflamatory disease from a lovely case of chlamydia from my cheating ex) and if they did have endo or scar tissue the HSG would not show it only an exploratory lap will let us know for sure. The nurse told me the out of pocket cost would most like be $1000 (after my deductible and my 20%...) and that just sucks too. I cried on the way back to work... I hate feeling like I am making these decisions alone... even though it is my body. I feel like I have been putting this off for two years and that it is obviously the next step... but I am just really afraid. After the lap he would like to move on to injectables and IUI's... I am also afraid of the injectables... but I am going to be 35 in 6 months and that ticking clock is really freaking me out... 35 the "magic" age that they tell you increases so many chances of problematic pregnancies... "advanced maternal age". fuck.

Maybe I will get pregnant this month and not ever have to think about all this again... if not... I will probably... possibly... maybe... call in 2 weeks to schedule my lap.

I am still processing all of this. Any advice?

cd 11

Two days until dr. appt.

I got a HIGH on the monitor today on cd 11.

The pergo floors went in yesterday and now Mr. D. is working hard to get the baseboards repainted and put back in. Then I can help move all the furniture back into the rooms and get the house back in order. I'll post pictures soon.

Tonight we have a tile paint / pizza party for a fundraiser... the kids will get to paint memory tiles that will become part of a big tile wall for outside our theatre. Only about 20 kids are participating because of a general lack of $20 to pay for it... maybe next year we need to do it earlier in the year and not so close to prom and graduation. I am looking forward to it... But I am still doing ALL of the planning 100% alone even after the talk with my co-teacher. It is very frustrating.

We had a fun weekend... On Saturday Mr. D. and I went out to lunch and shopping (didn't buy anything) and then I saw his show JANE EYRE that night. He did such a great job... Rochester is a HUGE role in this musical. Then on Sunday Nic and I went to an art street fair and shopping and I bought a really cute summer outfit... Then Mr. D. and I had a party to attend that night. The weekend was so filled that it left me tired! But I did have a very nice time.

I will post on Thursday evening after my appointment... unless I am stinking drunk because of the news... Think good thoughts for us.....