Happy Blogaversary to me...aka cd 1.

Today is my third blogaversary. Most people would see this as a day to celebrate... but blogging for 3 long years about your infertility is not that cool. But, since that is the boat we are in... you might as well grab a cupcake and a bottle of vodka and a toast with me to three years of faithfully sharing the intimate details of the sucky-ist part of my life.



Not to be left out, AF did decide to come and congratulate me today on my 3 year blogaversary. (ironic huh...) I should mention that she came 3 days early just for the occasion. It is always lovely to feel that unexpected "womanly feeling" when you are standing in front of a classroom of teenagers wearing light colored pants. Luckily... I made it in time. Bitch.

Looking towards the future.... I will see my nurse tomorrow morning (yes.... Saturday... at 8-freaking AM... on a Sat-ur-day) for a day 2 blood test, a scan, and a prescription for double clomid (100mg). I will also do the clomaphine challenge again this cycle... it will be the 2nd time they have checked my FSH level... last year at this time it was still in a good range. And finally... in 2 weeks... an IUI. So this is a busy and wand filled month for my uterus... yipee!


My show at school is cast... so that is stress relieving. Now I just have to pray that all the kids stay eligible with their grades and that none of them are jerks and quit the show because they didn't get the role they wanted.


One cool thing today is that the lovely Kristin nominated me as a "Rockin' Girl Blogger". It is such and honor... sometimes I forget that their are actually real people out there pulling for me, supporting me, and sharing their lives on their blogs. What an awesome circle of girls we have to lean on. Thank God for you guys... you really do help me keep my sanity. I think the deal is that I get to nominate 5 friends now... but I am not sure... so for now I will bask in my nomination and before the weekend is up I will have some names for you!



OK... it is only 8 pm... and it is a Friday night... but I am ready to have another cupcake, take a fist full of Tylenol followed by a vodka chaser and go to bed... this first week of school has me wiped out... and my va-jay-jay has an early appointment tomorrow.

Sorry it took me so long to post... School started 3 days ago and basically... it is kicking my ass.


The gala was incredible. We had so much fun! I thought the $10,000 tables were the most expensive... but guess what... some people paid $25,000 per freakin table!!! (And the tables were all the same!!!) It was strange to watch people bid during the auction... all in the name of charity... they would buy a trip to NYC for $12,000... or a new puppy for $3000... or jet fuel for ????... so so so different than the world I live in! The Mandy Patink!n concert was great. I mean he is a theatre legend... I watched him in a small concert setting sitting on the 6th row!!!! During cocktail hour they had a Van Kliborn (sp) winning pianist, during dinner a DJ and then after the concert there was a 70's & 80's band... they were so funny!!! We danced and drank and had a super fun time.



I am including 3 pics... I decided on the dress I wore to the opening of the show I did back in July. It worked well.. and I don't think anyone remembered the dress.


Other notables...

I am working out 6 days a week... I even joined the gym 2 miles from school so I can run for 45 minutes during my lunch/ conference period... so now I am the proud member of 2 gyms... surely I will start to lose soon... right???

Go see Super B*d!!!! It is the raunchiest most offensive movie I have ever seen... and I laughed all the way through it.


Mr. D. is sick today... maybe the flu... send good thoughts...


My 1st show of the year auditions tomorrow... we are off to the races...


I am on cd... uhm... 25... I think... just waiting on my period to do my 1st IUI cycle.

Found out another friend is pg today. I am happy for her... but it is hard news to hear... when will it be my turn?


Lexapro seems to be a miracle drug.


Friday is my 3 year blogaversary. Not sure if this is a reason to celebrate or to cry... any suggestions?

Sometimes nice things happen...

Mr. D. and I have been invited to a gala for a regional theatre. We have a very wealthy friend who bought a table for... get this... wait for it... $10,000. TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!!

The gala is tomorrow night and includes cocktail hour, dinner, a concert by broadway legend Mandy Patink!n, a silent auction that includes things like jet fuel and first class trip around the world, and then dessert and dancing... I am so excited. I have a couple of dresses that I could wear but the dress is "cocktail casual" so I am a bit confused on what the heck that means at such an exclusive event. Is black ok??? I may go out tonight or tomorrow morning an look for another option... not sure.

The dresses that I am deciding between are a black low cut knee length dress... it is very low... almost belly button low... and I am not sure it is appropriate for a dinner event (It is more an "on stage" dress or a fancy concert dress.)
I also have a yellow dress that is cut a lot like the famous Marilyn Monroe "subway blows it up" dress... but it sort of looks a little young and it is lemon yellow which could be a bit overpowering. The third is a black and white number that would be perfect... but I wore it last month to an opening night event with many of the same people in attendance.

So I am excited... but confused...
Give me some suggestions on "cocktail casual"... feel free to send pictures... but remember I am a size 10 with boobs... so nothing to clingy!!!!

I think I starting to feel the lexapro kicking in... things feel like they are getting a little better.

cd 15...

Had my doctor visit today...

Had to wait 45 minutes in a room FULL of pregnant women and children... I mean FULL... like not enough seats FULL.

Found out that my lovely insurance wouldn't pay for my annual exam until Sept. 1... because it hadn't been a year. So... I have to go back next month and take a day off of work... I bet there are a lot of insurance scams out there because of women trying to have more than one pap smear a year. I was really angry especially since the doctor's office had sent me a postcard reminding me to come in which the swore they never sent... which... now at home I can't find.

While I was sitting on the table... naked from the waist down... I was surrounded by sonogram pictures and the sound of a chattering toddler in the next room... this is when I lost it and started crying.

When the doctor came in we talked to him about our next options... I cried the entire time. Dr.S. talked to us about IVF. He said it would cost us around $10,000. He suggested that next month we do another clomid challenge to test my FSH again... it has been 8 months since the last one... then do an IUI... and after that... well... that is where the IVF talks continued. Did I mention that I was sobbing through the whole talk? We talked about the pros and cons of both IVF and adoption... I cried. I just can't believe this is where we are.

So next cycle we start the plan... and I'll get my annual exam.

He found "a lot" of blood in my urine... who knew??? And sent that off to the lab to find out WTF. He also told be to reduce my Met from 2000 mg to 1000 mg... because I have nausea almost every morning. He also gave me a months supply of sample Lexapro... for the crying, depression, and anxiety I have been experiencing. I took the first one as soon as we got to the car.

Now I have been googling "Lexapro and pregnancy" and almost more important to me "Lexapro and weight gain". I pray that I don't have the weight gain... I swear if I see it... I will quit it immediately. I am still working out and am working way to hard to fuck it up with meds... even though I need them... I think I need them bad.

So anyone have Lexapro stories to tell...

I am not exactly ready for the IVF stories yet... but when I am... will you please share?

cd 10...

Ok... so here is the deal as of right now (it may change... but at least it is sort of a plan). After attending our second adoption meeting (the first was back in May) we have made a sort of a spur of the moment decision to try one more time with the fertility drugs before we get on this other adoption roller coaster.

Adoption is scary... we learned about the three needs this agency asks you to consider before starting...
1. an infant of full African American heritage.
2. an infant whose birthparent has a history of diagnosed mental illness.
3. an infant whose birthmother has a history of at least moderate drug and/or alcohol use through-out pregnancy.
We have been told that trends are a-changin... and the days of the pretty but confused pregnant 15 year old are over... what they see most of are addict moms.

We also learned that they would like us to be "open about an open adoption". Which is also scary... especially with an addict mom.

There are other agencies... but because of our older age (Mr. D. is 46...) many of the ones that the "confused pregnant teen" might go to are not open to accepting us.

International adoption is also an option... but the waits are very long and some countries have the same age restrictions as domestic adoption. China may be a 4 year wait, Russia is a very scary place to adopt plus they are 2 required trips = way more expensive, Guatemala is closed, Vietnam is closed... all are very expensive and all are long waits.

So, before we start the mostly non-refundable process we will try a couple more cycles... probably IUI's with clomid.

I have a doctors appointment on Thursday (cd 15) for my annual exam and a consultation and then we will wait again for my next cycle. I am also going to have my doctor do a full blood work up to figure out why I am so tired... I may also ask to get back on anti-anxiety/anti- depression meds.

I really thought that we were done with treatments... I really had closed that door in my mind because of what I thought my husband and I wanted to do... but sitting through a couple of adoption meetings may make you want to try again to have a biological child... all that said, the agency is great... we felt really at home there... it is just a whole 'nother roller coaster and once you get on you better be ready to ride.

So, we have the adoption info... the preliminary paperwork... the cost breakdown... and maybe if we are not pregnant by the first of the year we will be ready to ride.

I'll update after my doctor visit and tell you what he thinks... especially since I have been MIA for the last 8 months...

So... IUI's... here we go.

cd 1

AF arrived about 6 pm last night... so I am counting today as cd 1.

It is so strange that my cycles have become so predictable again since quitting all meds... 28 days.. then 29... now 29. At least that is better than 36...

I have (stooopid) inservice meetings the next two days for school...uggghhh. Then I have until the 17th... then I start my "real" (stoooopid) inservice meetings before the start of school on the 27th.

There is also a very important meeting for me on the 12th... but I am not really ready to talk about that yet.

I have sort of wasted the last 2 1/2 weeks... just being lazy... sleeping a lot (depressed?). But I have been going to the gym and working out hard 6 days a week... even if that is the only thing I do all day.

So for such a short post... I have to get ready for (gulp) school. (gag.)