10 sentence Tuesday... (ok... 10 paragraphs...)

1. I have a dr. appt for an u/s on the 4th (cd13)... we will search for cysts. If things look good I might consider an IUI in June... or I might not. If things are bad... blah blah blah...

2. I bought my Dad a card and a little book about Dad's.. $13.95... then I spent almost $19 to ensure that it would make it to his house by his birthday... I also plan to call his home tomorrow to say happy birthday.. but at a time when he won't be there. Immature?

3. My big musical (from October) was nominated for a big award in our area... sort of like the Tony awards for high school theatre. We got 6 nominations including "Best Musical" so the kids get to perform a number from the show (just like the Tony's). I am happy for them... but it means a shitload more work for me to whip them back into shape. I know that is selfish... but I am sooo ready for this friggin school year to be over... I NEED a break. It is hard to have a good attitude for the kids... but so far I am hanging in there.

4. Uhm.. can we talk about how completely screwed up Paula Abdul is? Did you see her tonight on American Idol??? Crack is whack baby.. crack is whack.

5. The hard wood floors are going in in our office and extra bedroom next Monday... this weekend we pulled up carpet and now all the furniture for the two rooms and two closets is piled in my dining room. It is a little stressful for someone as OCD as I am to have things out of order like this...But I am dealing with it ok... It is only a week right? So far I am doing a good job ignoring it.

6. We are still in the midst of planning a vacation to Seaside Florida... We found a 4 bedroom condo to rent for a week and my mom and grandmother are planning to join us there. It is going to be great. I will post pictures when all is finalized.

7. Today at work things got so stressful that I thought my head might explode... seriously. I should have better coping skills by age 34... but ever since all this infertility / miscarriage stuff happened to me... I just have a really low stress tolerance. Thank God for BusPar... except I think it isn't working that well... hence the possible head explosion.

8. I MUST get my eating under control... this is becoming serious. Pizza for lunch and BBQ for dinner is not going to get me to 130 lbs... so why do I do it?... Comfort... pathetic. Am I becoming my mother?

9. I am finding myself going through another "very jealous of pg women" stage. I see them everywhere... and I... sort of... uhm... hate them. I don't know them...so I am sure that they are wonderful people... just... in my mind... I hate them. If they are pg with 2 or 3 other little kids hanging on them... it is worse. I try hard to realize that they are possible jealous of me... going home to a quiet house... doing whatever I want... but I still just... well you know. I know.. I am the devil. (OK.. it is not really hate.. it is the plain old green eyed monster... pure and simple... I need help.)

10. I hope you are having a great week...

cd 1

Well... the week didn't get much worse... unless you count AF starting this morning(but I knew she was coming so it wasn't a real shock.) I will call my dr.'s office on Monday morning and hopefully get an u/s sometime next week to see if there may be a reason for the non-PEAKS the past two cycles.

I had several conversations this week with my co-teacher trying to resolve our issues... I hope things will get better... we are just at two totally opposite ends of the spectrum... He is messy, free spirited, and fly by the seat of his pants... I am organized, controlling, and a total planner. If we can get through our issues maybe we will be able to balance each other well. We have 5 more weeks of school before summer break... hopefully I can make it through without another explosion.

Mr. D. and I are planning a wonderful summer vacation in Florida. We are looking at condo's to rent on the beach. I can't wait. Today I bought two bathing suits at Target in the lovely size of large... (well the tankini style tops are medium... but the ass is a large) I would love to lose about 10 pounds (at least) before we go on vacation. I just feel so lazy all the time and never want to work out. AND... my eating habits have been REALLY bad lately... REALLY... REALLY BAD. This morning I weighed 149. Only a month ago I was down to 144.5. I know that part of the problem is that I am depressed and that I am going through a real "I don't know what the fuck to do" phase. Today Mr. D. and I talked about buying some bikes and joining the Rec center and pool that is 2 miles from our house. I think I would like that... but I do have that elliptical machine looming in my bedroom that I bought last year thinking that I would be motivated every day to work out... I wasn't. I am also nervous about doing an IUI and possible gaining MORE weight. Why does it feel like I would be so much happier if I weighed 125. Am I that shallow? Yes.

I have not talked to Dad since he called to cancel on Easter. His birthday is Wednesday. I feel bad just ignoring the b-day.. I just don't have it in me even though the last 3 years he hasn't given me a gift... just a phone call... maybe dinner... maybe a card... this past year it was just a phone call. Anyway... I ALWAYS get him a gift and try to have dinner with him. What do I do this year? I am scared to call him... Scared that I will be REALLY pissed off if he doesn't feel bad about Easter.. and scared that I will have to explain to him how hurt I was if he brings it up. I am starting to think that I just suck at all relationships... Thank God my husband can put up with me.

Basically my good relationships are My husband, my Mom, and Nic. That is it. My Dad and my brother are most in my life on holidays and in emergencies and honestly... I have no other real friends. My phone is silent unless it is one of those few people. I know it sounds pathetic... but I am really trying to dig down and figure out why I have so few relationships in my life. Is it because I seem like I don't need them? Do I seem so secure and together that no ones understands that I constantly feel like I am falling apart? Is that why I crave a baby so much? So I will have one more person that loves me? Wow.. how sad is that...

I am sure I will be ok tomorrow... just chalk these tears up to PMS.

tuesday.

So far this week...

I got stood up on Easter Sunday by my own father.

I had to argue with my SIL about how ALL teachers do not suck.

I gained 2 pounds.

I got in a huge blow up fight with my co-teacher.. who basically decided to tell me today that he thinks I am lazy and selfish and that I don't work as hard as he does.

I found out that I didn't get any of the summer shows that I auditioned for.

and...

I have to be bombarded by the media with the wonderful news that Brooke and Katie both gave birth to perfect baby girls.


AND IT IS ONLY FREAKING TUESDAY!

Easter dinner(s)

Happy Easter???

CD 26.. no real signs of AF.

On Saturday I felt guilty about not getting my family together for Easter. My dad and I used to be very close when I was growing up... but since he remarried about 8 years ago... my brother and I have taken a back seat to his wife's family. Although my dad lives about an hour and 15 minutes away... my brother and I only see him about 5 or 6 times a year. We quit spending Easter together several years ago... and Christmas always brings fights about not wanting to spend the day with his wife's family.

So... because I have this silent commitment of trying to bring my family back together... I called my Dad on Saturday and asked him and his wife over for Easter dinner. He said they would be here at 1 pm on Easter. My brother and I spent $110 at the grocery store and spend Saturday afternoon prepping a big Easter meal. On Sunday morning (after the Easter Bunny visited and brought me an INCREDIBLE basket full of Easter baking supplies and decorations and 2 wonderful Children's books... Bravo Mr. D.!) we spent several hours cleaning the house so it looked beautiful... At 11:25, just as I was about to get in the shower and put the food in the oven... my Dad calls... and cancels. Yep... canceled 1 1/2 hours before they are supposed to walk through the door. He said that they stayed up very late the night before working in the backyard... and were to tired to come over. I was stunned. I just said OK and hung up. Of course my brother was pissed.. I was in tears and standing in the kitchen in front of a ton of food.

Mr. D. jumped into action and called his parents across town and invited them over... He really saved the entire day...because I would probably still be in my closet bawling if he hadn't called in the troops. I was so worried that they would know that they were 2nd choice because we were calling them at the last minute to come over and eat this elaborately planned meal... but if they knew anything they never mentioned it. We had a wonderful day eating and making bunny shaped cakes for dessert. I never hear from my Dad the rest of the day.. and he never called my brother... even to say Happy Easter...

That night we went to Mr. D.'s sister house for dinner with his parents again... It was a full day of eating... That part of the day was very unpleasant because his sister loves to talk about how much teachers suck in their schools. She wants to talk to me about it... but I feel very attacked because there is something very offensive about millionaires (literally... millionaires) talking about the public school system sucking when they are to cheap to get their kids a tutor or send them to private school... And how it is the teachers job (who probably makes about $32,000 a year... which by the way is less than one of their cars cost) to spend extra time with their kids tutoring them after school so that they don't have to spend $$$ on tutors. These are people who by a new $50,000 car every six months and own a $600,000 home.... OWN... as in paid off. Mr D. Actually had to "break up" the heated discussion about the teachers. On the way home he said "See... my family sucks too..."

Someday I will maybe I will talk about the fact that his sister could (if she wanted to) just hand us a check for IVF or adoption without even battling an eye... but they are not that kind of people... They do not even think of paying for a weekly lawn service for their parents.. Mr. D. does their lawn every week because they are in their 70's and can not do it themselves. It is the most unbelievable case of selfishness that I have ever seen... ever seen the TV show the THE WIVES OF THE REAL ORANGE COUNTY?.... be afraid... these people really do exist.

So that was our Easter... Parts of it truly wonderful because Mr. D' refused to let my Dad ruin our day and he worked REALLY hard to give me a great day.. and parts of it not so good to remind us that basically... family sucks.

And now a picture of the bunny cakes we made and decorated for your drooling pleasure... Mine are purple and blue! The scary three at the bottom were made by my brother and my father in law! It was the most perfect Easter basket ever!

Cd 21

OK... I am almost done licking my wounds from the bad old lady judge at competition. The kids were still down about it on Monday but by Tuesday they seemed to be on to other things... prom... graduation ... etc... very resilient. Me? I am moving onward and upward too... it is time to order awards, plan the banquet, order supplies for next year, and all the other million little things we do before the end of the year.

I called my doctor yesterday and talked to my nurse. I am always not sure if they quite understand the ovulation monitor... I always feel like I have to over explain the LOW, HIGH , (NO) PEAK thing. She thinks that the doctor may want to up my Metformin (I am currently taking 2000 mg a day) but we can't do anything until I go in and sit down and talk to the doctor about what has been happening the past few months. I am supposed to call on cd 1 and then she will tell me when to come in... hopefully they will do a full monitoring session (non-infertility coded) and really try to find out what the fuck is going on.. I am not sure what will happen if I really am not ovulating... expensive drugs I suppose... I just want to KNOW that I am ovulating before I spend $1000 on an IUI. I told Mr. D. in bed last night that I didn't want to go to the doctor after all.. I just feel so hopeless. His response is that not going back to the doctor would be even more hopeless. So.. when AF comes (who the fuck knows when) I will be headed back to the doctor.

I.
still.
feel.
a.
little.
hopeless.

Please tell me that is normal.




In other news.. Spring has sprung in my backyard... 17 roses this morning... beautiful.

No PEAK again...

Today is cd 19 and I just got my 9th HIGH in a row... Something is definitely weird so I think I will have to make an appointment with the doctor... I am apparently not ovulating and that scares the shit out of me. As if we were not having enough problems... now this... twice in 2 months.

So ... that just sucks. And I am no sure how to feel about al of this anymore. I am losing hope.

In other news... my students did a great job at their third competition on Saturday... but we did not win. We got a 74 year old lady judge who quite simply "didn't get" our absurdist play. What can you say? So that was also very disappointing.

I will try to write more later... just don't feel like I have much to say this morning.

My life just got a lot busier...

CD 10 - first HIGH on monitor.

YAY!!!! My students advanced in their second competition!!! So my whole life now revolves around continuing in this competition through next week (as if it didn't already...). They go to the next round on the 8th and the competition gets much more fierce from here on because all the plays will be strong and have "won" twice. So we will just hope for the best. I am really proud of them! YAY! Another really stressful week at work for me...

OK... maybe I am behind in the times... but has everyone seen THIS and THIS???? Holy Mother of GOD!!!! Are you freakin kidding me??? I hate the Pop Princess as much as anyone else... and her mothering skills seem to be... questionable... at best... but... holy shit!!! I can not IMAGINE how mortifying this would be. I am now an official member of the "glad-I-am-not-paying-the-HIGH-price-of-fame" club. The person who did this ought to be sued... or killed.. or something... and we don't even see the "worst" angle. I can't BELIEVE a am about to type these words... poor Britney.

New favorite site - http://www.bloggingbaby.com/
Like just the celebrities stories like me? - http://www.bloggingbaby.com/category/pregnant-celebrities/

Off to have a weekend.