Happy Halloween

Mr. D. and I had a great night at home. We decorated the front yard with all of our pumpkins and all of our Halloween illuminaries then we ate pizza and drank red wine and waited for the trick or treaters. As typical infertiles we gave out full size candy bars and oooh-ed and ahhhh-ed over all the little devils and pirates... princesses and chickens.

This year we had a lot of older trick or treaters that didn't even dress up... What is the deal with that??? As a teacher I want to go "Do you parents know you are out here without a costume and that you are like 15 years old???" But (as a teacher) I know their parents probably don't give a shit. We had a bowl of caramel apple suckers and gave those out to the kids without costumes but I had to be sly about which bowl I opened the door with. A couple of the really old and non-dressed up kids got the "business" from me as I made them sing me a song or do a cartwheel in the yard for their candy (I mean I don't give away free candy... jeez).

Everything died down about 8:15 and we ate chocolate cake for dessert and admired our lovely haunted front yard and entry way as we put away everything back in to the tubs to go to the attic.

So I made it through another holiday... childless. Let's hope it is the last one and next year Mr. D. and I are not about to be the full size candy pushers of the neighborhood because we are out with a stroller and a little ladybug or turtle... or both!

Now I just have to get through the big 3-5... one week from today.
Now THAT is scary.

Happy Daylight Savings Day

Happy daylight savings day. Don't you love when the time changes? It is always so fun for me to get an extra hour of sleep in the fall and in the spring... well I hardly mind the change because it indicated that school is almost out for the summer! It is only 8:07 am and I have already said things like "omg... it is only 7:30??? wow." Tonight it will get dark earlier and that will be fun too. Here is a nice pic of the sunrise this AM at "only 6:30".

Last night Mr. D. and I took "our" first double dose of clomid. Yes... I know I technically am the one that takes it but he is the one that has to deal with me taking it... so I say "our". Then we can home and carved pumpkins for Halloween... I'll post pictures later. Mr. D. (following our 3 year old tradition) carved a wonderful Disney Princess pumpkin out of a real pumpkin. (His is the great Belle and mine were the cat in the window and one with our names in a very creepy font! Check out our October 20o5 & 2004 archives for more of our traditional pumpkin carvings! Cinderella is one of my favorites!!!) Last year I gave up on using real pumpkins and now use craft pumpkins and a hot wood carving tool to "carve" them. That way all my hours of work can last from year to year... and we now have a collection of 7 intricately carved pumpkins that can be used for years to come. I highly recommend using the craft pumpkins... but the woodcarving tools cost about $35... so the initial expense is higher than buying a real pumpkin.

Today I will try to make a 1:30 yoga class at the gym and then tonight Mr. D. is playing in a "theatre league" bowling tournament for a local theatre... it is a fundraiser. I think it will be fun to go hang out and meet new people since I am pretty "out of the theatre loop" since I haven't acted in a show for like... uhm... five years.

There is a new RESOLVE group forming in my area... the first meeting is on the 2nd. I am thinking about going. What do you girls think? It is sort of scary to put yourself out there as "infertile"... but after 4 years... yes... that "infertile" label fits here. Anyway... should I go? I think I need the "internets" to give me a push.

Gotta go... Mr. D. needs breakfast and is in a big hurry... not sure why.... it is only 8:23.

R.I.P. Oliver Cyst

Oliver is gone.

I am now the latest participant in the Clomid Challenge.
I start big doses of clomid (100 mg) in Saturday.
I will also get a big fat hcg shot when I get a surge on my OPK...
The doctor doesn't want to miss this cycle... I already have 12 follies on one side and 7 on the other.
The nurse reminded me to take my prenatals... which I haven't been taking.
He said his goal is to "have me pg with twins very soon so we don't have to do this again".

(hope.)

(wish.)

(pray.)

I am trying to not be to nervous about what is going to happen to my body (ie.... my weight) or my mind (ie... my husband and students) with all this stuff going back into my body. I am scared (see post below). Just plain ol' scared.

Anyway... Oliver is gone. We are moving on.
I am still in my funk but at least this month will be interesting.

Sorry I am not jumping up and down excited... It is great news. Having hope is just not that easy for me... Maybe I am still pms-ing. I am still waiting for the buspar to kick in.

cd 2

I am sorry that I haven't posted. I have no real excuses. I have just been feeling rather unhealthy (read- mentally) lately and haven't felt like posting. I am turning 35 in 2 weeks on the 7th. I don't have a child. My weight is up up up. I am coming up on my first due date... if I had not miscarried I would have a two year old baby on the 5th. I am having a difficult time at work... I think I am in a slump in my tenth year teaching. I am feeling very uncreative and untalented. I am basically just in an very unsatisfied place in my life. I am tired of blaming everything n the hormones...

I remember a time when I loved and looked forward to the holidays... now the thought of them just exhausts me. Everything this time of year is so kid-centered... and I never really noticed it until a couple of years ago... now just the thought of kids running around dressed as little princesses or vampires... or the sight of all the cutesy thanksgiving things at Pottery Barn... or the horror of walking through the mall and bursting into tears seeing the long line of irritated parents with their kids all decked out in their holiday best waiting to sit on Santa's lap... well it just sort of makes my heart sink.

I need something. And if it is not going to be a child then what is it going to be? I need something that will help me appreciate all that I have. A service project? Volunteering somewhere? I am not sure what it is... but I know that I have to find a new passion. I am tired of my life centering around trying to have a baby. I need something.

My doctor visit for my annual exam was fine.... I actually wrote "my annual doctor visit went fine" at first and then laughed... "annual doctor visit???" ha. Just the usual feet in stirrups type thing. Today is cd 2 and I will have an u/s tomorrow to find out if Oliver Cyst is gone or if I need another month of b/c pills. (The dr. said he could not feel any type of large cyst during the manual part of the exam... so either it is really high up or it as shrunk significantly). Once we have a green light the plan is still the clomid challenge (100 mg of clomid days 5-10 with lots of blood tests to look at egg reserve) and big old shots of hcg. The dr. is still convinced that if we can get a "good" cycle that we should have no problems getting pregnant. He even mentioned hoping for twins so I don't have to do all this again. He visit was very upbeat... and I appreciate that... but I am just not feeling it. I have de-ja-vu... like I have heard all this before... like I have already used up all my hope... like I am stuck.

I will try to post more. I am just not liking the whiny posts I keep writing. How boring.

Oh... and I started myself back on buspar for the anxiety and depression I have been feeling... so maybe I will perk up soon.

I am scared to turn 35.
They say bad things about getting pregnant after 35.
They say "advanced maternal age" and "downs syndrome" and "miscarriage" and "high risk".
I am scared.
to
turn
35.

There I said it.

another show closes....

My show is closed. It was successful and the kids did a good job. I was an interesting mix of students and I have to say it was not the most pleasant group that I have worked with... but we all made it through and that is what counts. The parents were all thrilled and the kids we very self congratulatory with a very small bit of gratitude that recognizes that they did not do all of this by themselves. I am proud of them and yet at the same time looking forward to working with a different group next time. Somehow my job has the ability to make me feel both accomplished at what I do and empty when it is over. The Sunday after a show closes is always filled with a certain melancholy for me... what could I have done differently, what did the learn, what was good about it, what worked and what didn't work. So anyway.. it is over. On to the next production. (sigh.)

My nausea has subsided... it sort of just disappeared one day... and I think it took me a couple of days to realize that I was gone. It has however been replace by a breast tenderness of remarkable proportion. I am not sure why the bc pills would cause my boobs to hurt so much.. I would have expected the pill to make them not hurt.. not swell... since I am not supposed to be ovulating. But you know my body... always has to be different... can never just fit into to the crowd. This morning I almost screamed at my cat gingerly tiptoed across my chest... plus yesterday I changed clothes three times before leaving to go to the theatre because everything I put on seemed to highlight my boobs. (sigh.)

I will see my doctor in Friday... for an annual exam. This is also the last week in my bc pill pack so he may do a scan to look at Oliver... I will know then if I have to go back on the pill. I just hope that I can tell myself have a period and then go back on... I feel like my body needs some normalcy right now and going straight to another pack of pills might be to much for me. Hopefully (since I am taking Friday off to go to the doctor) Mr. D. and I will be able to go to the State Fair on Friday after I am done at the doctor. That will be fun. Fun... I think I remember how to do that.... (sigh.)

It is raining here today. My plan is to stay curled up on the sofa and watch 2 weeks of all my favorite shows on the TiVo. Survivor, Grey's, The Nine, Project Runway, Brothers and Sisters, The Office... I have it all. I also plan to nap. This is the first day that I have had in several weeks and I plan on trying to re-set my inner clock and force myself to rest. (sigh.)

I promise to try to make my next post more interesting. I think I am just tired. Curling on the sofa now. (sigh.)

Oliver...

I saw the nurse again on Friday for another u/s of Oliver Cyst. The good news is that he is collapsing. The size went from being a perfectly round (ie... full) 60 mm to a dented and deflated (ie... leaking) 42 mm. This is positive news and the hope is that although it is doubtful that Oliver will be completely packed up and gone by the time AF comes to visit again, there is the chance that I will only have to do 1 round of the horrible nausea inducing birth control pills. I will see the doctor (yes my actual doctor) on the 20th... for my official annual exam.... because with all this fertility shit I actually have been putting off that part for a couple of months... ironic huh? Then about a week later AF *should* arrive and I will have a cd 2 or 3 u/s to check on Oliver's shrinking progress.

I am not joking about how sick I feel on bc pills. Can someone please explain this to me??? I mean I took bc pills for many years with no side effects... none. But now... it is hideous. And the weird thing is it is the same pill, Ovcon 35... a fairly low dose pill. Last time when I had a cyst flare up Dr. Incompetent put me on the patch... which I tolerated much better... but Nurse says that I need to take the pill. Why?? ugghh. I hate this. Soooo frustrated and sick of feeling pukey.

And now for the "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???" file... Guess what I found in my mailbox today... An issue of (AND A BILL FOR) Parenting Magazine. Yes... somehow the cosmic gods have decided to play a trick on me (again) and somehow I am being billed for and recieving a magazine about how to have fun with your children. Anyone else see the glowing white hot irony here? And... I ask you... have you ever tried to unsubscribe from a magazine? There is no phone number to call... I was so annoyed and dismayed that I wrote acress the bill in huge block letters "I DID NOT SUBSCRIBE TO THIS MAGAZINE... I AM INFERTILE. DO NOT BILL ME AGAIN OR SEND ME ANOTHER ISSUE." Ok... I admit a tad bit dramatic... but what the fuck? Like I need THAT on top of everything else? Seriously.

To top it all off, I am overwhelmed at work. There is a lot going on and we are trying to get a show open on Wednesday. The kids are acting crazy and irresponsible and jerk-ish (well.. like high school kids) and with my hormone wackiness they are getting on my last nerve. Generally I love my job... I get to be creative and work in the theatre every single day... I run my own department and I make the rules... I decide what we do and when and how we do it. It is a perfect job for me. But yesterday I was tempted to go to Target and put in my application. Yesterday was one of the days that I utterly and completely hated my job and felt like I do not have the edge or the patience to continue working with high school kids. Yesterday I felt like walking out of the school, driving away, and never looking back.

I guess I'd better start playing the lottery again huh?

OK.. gotta run and read an article on how to make an "Easy Sew Halloween costume" for my imaginary children out of empty tampon boxes, negative home pregnancy tests, and vodka bottles.

funk.

I just wanted to say thank you for all your comments. It is just unbelievable to have a community out there that supports me from all over the world when in my real life it seems so hard to find people who understand.

I have been very busy at work. The first show of our season opens next Wednesday.. it is crunch time. I am at the point that I am eating, sleeping and breathing this production... so I have had little time to do much else. I have really been fighting a huge depression about my cyst... whenever I think about having another setback at this time it is almost to much to take... so until I can get this show on its feet I am just avoiding thinking to much about it.

I started b/c pill on Sunday night and have lay awake the last 2 nights at 3 am feeling the nausea. I am sure my body is confused.... "OK you have been forcing me to ovulate for the past year and now you DON'T want me to ovulate??? WTF???" My mornings are slow because of nausea but get better around lunchtime. Hopefully in about another week my body will catch on to the new plan and the pukey feeling will subside.

Many of you talked about going ahead with the surgery to remove the cyst. As far as I know that is not really an option right now. I want to wait at least a month and see what is happening... Mr. D. is very much against me having surgery until we know that the cyst won't shrink I won't be worrying about the removal. I think it is sweet that he only wants me to do the least evasive procedure because he doesn't want me to have to go through anymore than I have to. But I can promise you if this thing isn't gone in a month or two.... we are going in to get it. I won't be waiting 6 months to a year just to see what Oliver decides to do. That is for sure.

That is it. I just wanted to give an update. I am trying hard to keep my head above water right now and not let myself sink into another funk.

But honestly... I am feeling pretty funky.