Tag... You're it...

Answer on your blog!
Mr. D. left yesterday for 4 weeks in Houston... I am so sad. Plus I am having MAJOR issues with my co-teacher... so needless to say there had been a rough start to this week. Hopefully it will get better. Hearing from YOU will definately make it better!

Things you didn't know...

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Lingerie store manager
2. Singer/ dancer at theme parks
3. actress
4. theatre teacher

Four movies you would watch over and over:
1. Dangerous Liaisons
2. The Jerk
3. Pulp Fiction
4.Mommy Dearest

Four places you have lived:
1. LaVerne, California
2. Ennis, Texas
3. Arlington, Texas
4. Euless, Texas

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. Project Runway
2. Lost
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Survivor
*** I could go on an on... TV is a very close friend of mine.

Four places you have been on vacation:
1.Seaside, Florida
2. Santa Fe, New Mexico
3. Orlando, Florida
4. Cancun, Mexico

Four websites I visit daily:
1. Email
2. blogs that I read
3. Dan Pollocks site of the day.... http://someonewhocares.org/siteoftheday/
4. PerezHilton.com

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Steak Marsala at Carabbas
2. Dad's lasagna and meatballs
3. Il Fratelli's Pizza
4. Crispy honey Chicken at P.F. Changs

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. in Houston with Mr. D. :(
2. Seaside, Florida
3. Ten Thousand Waves http://www.tenthousandwaves.com/
4. Disney World

Four (or more) friends I am tagging that I THINK will respond:
1. Angela
2. Jess
3. Jenn
4. Ally
5. Chas
6. Lesley
7. Ollie
8. All of you blogsphere gals...
9. all infertiles of the world...

CD 2

AF arrived yesterday starting slow but very heavy with back cramps today.

Actually I am a little relieved... Mr. D. leaves for Houston for a 4 week run of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST on Monday and if I was pg I don't think I would do well with the coincidences of the last time he went to Houston and I had my first m/c almost 2 years ago to the day. See January 2005 archives for the whole terrible story. I will be going to Houston in 2 weeks... arriving on CD 16... hopefully I can "hold off" ovulation until then or I will be out of luck this month too... (the last 2 months I have had a PEAK on CD 14. Any ideas on how to "hold off" ovulation???? Is that possible?

Since it has been almost two years since my last m/c I have noticed that no one asks me questions anymore about where we are in the TTC process... not even my Mom. I guess it is just assumed each month that I am not pregnant... or that I will tell people if I feel like talking about it. It is just weird... it makes me feel like everyone has given up on me.

30 days and counting....dream update at the bottom

Cd 30...
I have no more symptoms... PELVIC TWINGES - gone... BOOBS - normal... PEE- normal... DISPOSITION - bitchy (aka normal)... HOPE - waning.

Have I told you that I have quit pregnancy tests? Well I think I have. I hate them and I never plan to see another single line on one of those muther-effers again. So... my main problem with striking against pregnancy tests is that I have no clue when to stop the progesterone supplements. The past few months I have just been using them until I start AF. It does make my cycle longer but I don't know what else to do considering my strike on pregnancy tests.

My longest cycle ever was 36 days. I think if I ever go past a 45 day cycle I will call my doctor and get a blood test... but that is a problem too... because I am also on strike against nurses who call 5 minutes before they leave for the day and leave you a message to call back tomorrow forgetting to leave you the only news you actually NEED to know... only to find out the next day (after you stayed awake all flipping night wondering) that your hcg is <2.

I also may be on strike against hcg numbers in general. These numbers have only brought me heartache in the past and I don't know if I ever want to know that they are "non-doubling" again. I mean... what bother knowing? If you are going to m/c it is going to happen whether you know the numbers or not. I guess I will wait until I am pregnant again to decide this one... but since it has been almost 2 years since my last m/c... blah blah blah...

I am so frustrated... I am tired of my own story.

Update... My Recurring Dream...
After writing this entry I went to bed and had a dream that I now realize is a recurring dream that I often have. I go to my favorite clothing store to shop and the doors are unlocked but the store has no customers and the lights are all off. There are so many beautiful outfits all around. I see a salesgirl and ask what is going on. She tells me that they are not open today because they have no bags to put the clothes in. I go behind the counter and there are tons of bags... but they have the wrong store name on them and the salesgirl explains again that they can not sell any clothes because they can't put them in the wrong bag.

hmm...
Store is open but they can't sell the product...
Beautiful product all around... but none for me...
Nothing to carry the product in...
The bags are wrong they have won't work to carry the product...

Add to that that I have read the dream analysis theory that your dreams are all about you and not really about other people and that all the people or objects in the dream represent parts of you...

~Am I Jamie in the dream... confused and frustrated that I can't have what I want?
~Am I the salesgirl... negative and sure that it is impossible to sell the clothes unless we have the "right" bag to carry them in? ~Am I the "wrong" bag? I look fine on the outside but there is something "wrong" with me and I can't carry the product? My guess is that I am all of the above...

CD 25...

CD 25... I started the progesterone on cd 22. I have been having sore boobs and weird cramps very low near my pubic bone... no idea what that is about. I am still fighting off my cold and generally have been feeling very tired... I am sure this is intensified by the progesterone. Any way... I won't test until late this weekend if at all... I have no tests in the house and may just wait and see what happens over the next week. It is a long shot this month because of my cold hitting right at "o" time.

Mr. D. made sure I had an amazing Valentine's Day... as usual... even though I had to work late that evening. He made me a wonderful chili dinner and gave me a $100 spa certificate for a massage sometime soon. By my favorite gift was this... it was so sentimental and sweet because he knows that I have been looking at them for a long time and thanks to Lesley I have this one as my little fertility goddess. There is something very touching about him giving me the couple... sort of like "everything is fine... just the two of us". It makes me feel good that he is not one of those husbands who are as obsessed with having a baby as the woman... I can't imagine having that intense pressure in addition to my own feelings. Any way... it was a wonderful simple night watching American Idol and just hanging out together.

I have a busy week at school.. my play is at that "really bad" stage and that is stressful. I with I felt more motivated but I think I am in a creative slump. I just count the hours at work until I can come home. That is not really like me... but I think after 9 years I am feeling some major burnout this year. Last night I had a dream about screaming at my students because they were being lazy and not cleaning up after some big event... I think I really need a break... Spring Break is only 3 weeks away... I think I can make it.

Have a great Thursday!

The Sweetest Day!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!!!! I hope everyone has a wonderful day with your sweetheart!


GREAT NEWS!!! The twins are here! Congrats to Jenn on her two beautiful babies Nicholas and Jennifer Rose! They were born on the 11th and hopefully will be home by tomorrow! Send Jenn and the twinnies lots of love this week. Now her beautiful family is complete and she is the Mom to THREE!!!!! We know this will be their best Valentines Day so far!!!

Still sick...

I am having a really hard time getting rid of this cold. I have felt crappy now for a week. Not "out-of-commission" crappy just general "I don't-feel-good-but-I-can-go-to-work" crappy. I have just been so congested that it makes it really hard to have the energy to get things done. It seems like everyone at school is sick too... So I guess it will just keep going around until it burns out. Sometimes I feel like working at a school is like working in a petri dish... I need to find a biohazard suit just to get through the winter!

I am on cd 21 or 22... I am thinking about starting progesterone today... but I have felt so yucky I didn't want to add to it... But there is always the nagging feeling of "what if this is the month?" and "what if I really need it to sustain a pregnancy?" So.. I will probably start taking it today. Bring on the bloat, the cramps, the irritability, and the extra 5 pounds... I can take it. What I really hate the most though is when it extends my cycle from 32 days to 36+ days. That is the cruel trick that I just hate. Hey progesterone... give me a fucking break this month will you. I am hanging by a thread here.

Work has been busy... and will continue to be busy through April. Yesterday we held one of our biggest fundraiser of the year KIDS KAMP where we host acting workshops for kids grades 2-5. We had 54 kids! My students did a great job and we made $1500. To bad everyone is sick! We probably just started our own little pandemic... oh well... At least we all got through it.

This week I found out my friend M. is 20 weeks pregnant with her third baby. This is her third in the time that I have been trying for my first. It is tough to be happy for her... especially since I found out in a mass email that she sent out. I saw her a Christmas... but I guess she wasn't ready to tell yet. I understand waiting to tell but there has got to be a better way to tell your friend who is struggling with fertility issues that you are pregnant for the third time... An email just seems a little cold... The worst part is when she told me "I am really hoping to be done having children by the time I am 30.. I don't want to be an old mom..." Hello.... I am 34. Ok.. enough about the injustices of infertility. We all know it just sucks on every level.

That's it. Hope everyone has a nice Valentine's Day!

Streaker Sheep!

Did you see it???? Did you see my husband on TV????? I am not sure what is wrong with this link... but you can HEAR the commercial here... If you didn't see it just search for the Super Bowl ads... it is on the internet everywhere!

We were so excited and proud about his commercial! And to top everything that commercial has been on everyone's favorites list! It was even featured yesterday morning on both The Today Show and Good Morning America! It was surreal to hear Matt Lauer talking about how funny it was! It was listed in USA today and most newspapers around the country... we are collecting newspaper clips about it to someday show our *ahem...* grandkids... In fact if you have a clip you want to share with us let me know and I will send you my address.

The only bummer about the whole thing is that I go really sick for the whole thing... On Saturday night I started running a fever and had a sore throat. I was just miserable all day on Sunday... but somehow I managed to get the bathrooms cleaned and the food prepared for our Super Bowl party... working in about 15 minute spurts and then napping for 45 while Mr. D. was in rehearsal all day. By the time our guests arrived I was so drunk on the Tylenol, sudafed, airborne, and wine cocktail that I pretty much fizzled by halftime.

I even called into work on Monday... and I NEVER call in to work. I would much rather go to work sick and then "call in" on a beautiful day when I feel like playing hookie. But yesterday I didn't even feel like I could make it out of bed. I did drag myself to school last night to the last night of our student directed one act plays... but by then I was feeling a little better. Today I will go in to work... but I'll take it easy... my cold is moving into my chest and my cough is making it hard to breathe without choking.

My cold/ sinus infection thing had also put a damper on our TTCSex. We did it on cd 11 & 13... but that was it... I just didn't feel up to seducing my husband with my hacking cough and runny nose... very pretty...

So that is it for now... I am still on a high from all the commercial buzz. I am so proud of Mr. D.!

Gotta take my Advil cold and Sinus and head to work.

In closing I bring you the ultimate "life is fucking unfair" moment...

First THIS... followed by THIS... And I have fertility issues... that is bullshit.

CD 10...

Cd 10 got a HIGH on the monitor. I am planning on trying the every other day method from today through the PEAKS and until I get a low on the monitor again... I forget what method this is...

Has anyone else had problems finding the fertility monitor test sticks at the regular stores... I know you can get them on the internet, but I used to find them at Target and Wallgreens and now neither of them carries them. hmmmm... is this a sign???

We have our annual theatre 1 shows this week. They are student directed and many of them are very good... but that means 4 nights of working late this week to allow them the opportunity to get a show under their belts. I am getting so burned out of working so late and so hard... when am I going to win the lottery so I can begin my life of leisure???

I think the other theatre teacher is going to leave after this year... He hasn't told me but it is just the general "I don't give a shit anymore" vibe I am getting from him. It makes me mad because I am starting to resent doing most of the work while he coasts... Will I ever find someone to co-teach with that has the same expectations and work ethic as I have? I really need a partner that can make my job easier... However this teacher is really NICE so he is pleasant to have around... I will miss him if he goes... and I am really terrified at having to find his replacement.

My "fine arts coordinator" (ie: my boss) is leaving the district after this year. Hooray. I really hate him... but I have spent five years "training" him so I am a little worried that I will get another idiot that understands nothing about my job... or (thinking positive) maybe I will get someone great... I am crossing my fingers...

I think there is another mouse living in my office at work... you would not believe the red tape I have to go through to try to get rid of a fucking mouse... it involves exterminators and glue traps and seeing mice nawing off their own limbs trying to escape the glue... and then having to wait for the exterminator to "dispose" of the screeching undead mouse. (schools... even high schools have to be poison free...) So each day I wipe down the surfaces in my office that have droppings in them and think about whether I can stand them sticky mouse or if I should just hope he goes away... If I get the plague or something you will know it was all because of these mouse droppings that I wipe down on a daily basis. My other choice it to buy one of those sound wave mouse mover from Sharper Image for $50... it is probably a good solution even though I would have to pay for it... I am just worried that someone would accident's throw it own... I may send Mr. D. To get one today since I really don't know how much more mouse shit I can handle before I break.

We had another student suicide this week. I didn't know the kid.. But many of my students did. This is the 2nd of the year. It is just terrible. It really changes the dynamic of the entire school when a tragedy like this happens... and it is really hard to just "go on with normal activities" because even though they have counselors there for the kids who knew him... something like this effects everyone on a deeper level than everyone realizes.

Today I wish I didn't have to go to work... Today I feel like I hate my job. I know I don't really hate my job.. I have a great job... but today I feel like I hate my job.

I wish I had something exciting to blog about but I am so boring it is scary... I got nothing.

Is it almost summer?