What kind of sexy are you????

Try this... it's fun... Thanks to Chelsea for the link..

You Are Sensual Sexy You exude a luxiourous sensuality in your everyday life Turning heads every where you go, it's all about your sexy attitude. You're naturally hot - gorgeous in both sweats and stilettos. Your biggest problem is that your utra sexy self sometimes scares men away. What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance. yep... can't deny it... that's me!

COMING TO TERM by Jon Cohen

If you have had recurrent miscarriages you may want to get the book COMING TO TERM by Jon Cohen... I got it last night and it is fascinating... It is a reporter's look at WHY women miscarry. Thank you Erin D. for bringing it to my attention and thinking of me when you saw Jon Cohen on the news talking about recurrent miscarriage. See how GREAT our online Blogland community can be???

You may get a little frustrated as you read... It gives you hope because it kind of de-bunks a lot of doctor-talk... and basically kind of comes up with... THEY JUST DON'T KNOW...

It gives a LOT of research history of common theories such as luteal phase deficiency and clotting disorders and the research is very surprising... Basically... there is no REAL data that says this stuff like progesterone and heparin injections REALLY help... but there is also no research that can prove that it doesn't... He calls these methods "Black Swans" because of the rare birds that does actually exist... but sounds fictional. COMING TO TERM helps to explain why there is such a wide range of view points by our doctors about using these medications and why one doctor may present these methods as "cures" and another may be resistant to using any medication at all.

It also talks about how recurrent miscarriers often end up at fertility clinics searching for answers... (because there is no where else for us to seek treatment...) and that many are pushed towards IUI and IVF when "conceiving " is not actually their problem... this is why I related so much to this book....

This is not the "happy" read that will give you all the answers and promise that "next time" everything will be ok that we all want, but is does give you quiet hope. It makes you feel that you are not alone in your struggle and it may help you begin to understand what the hell your doctor is talking about....

This statistic is fueling my hope:
"Recurrent spontaneous aborters (3 or more m/c in a row) who become pregnant again, will with no medical treatment, carry to term 70%of the time." (page 14)

This is by no means the "relax and do nothing" type of advice... but is does want you to know that miscarriage IS still very much a medical mystery... So, when you start to fell like your (very expensive) doctors are "just guessing"... they really sort of are.

I would love to sort of start a "book club" with anyone else reading this book... Let me know if you are interested...

Monthly Meltdown...

Why does the force of getting AF hit me about 3 or 4 days into my new cycle. I knew a week ago that I wasn't pregnant... and I got my period 3 days ago... So why tonight do I feel like I am having my monthly "why-am-I-not-having-a-baby-and-everyone-else-is" breakdown?

I guess it is because I am home alone... Mr. D is working at a studio tonight "voicing" some big burly cartoon wrestler for the Cartoon Network... (Ahhh... the life of an actor...) And I am home... basically feeling sorry for myself and crying at the drop of a hat... It just hits me sometimes... that I am REALLY having trouble getting pregnant... Real trouble... and it just feels like there is an emptiness inside me that nothing can fill.

No matter how much I try... I just don't feel like the same person that I was before my miscarriages... I just don't.

Erin D. sent me a link about a new book about miscarriage... It is called COMING TO TERM. It is the story about a couple trying to cope with 4 recurrent and unexplained miscarriages... I think I can relate to it a lot after reading the excerpt... maybe it will give me some insight and help me over this hump...


Uhm... I know this is sort of random... but could you guys please say a prayer for me this weekend? Tomorrow... Saturday (the 29th) was my EDD for my second pregnancy... and I am really feeling the pain of all this again... Every time I think I am starting to get past the pain of my lost babies... Well... I just need your prayers this weekend.

Bitch....

Got AF today... On cd 1...

Everything else sucks today too...

My (first) Miscarriage Story - part III

(Not for the sensitive... way to descriptive... please be warned...)

Once the red blood started things happened pretty quickly. I stayed at the hotel alone that night while Mr. D. went to work... that night I passed the big mass that I later found out was the sac... I panicked and fished it out of the toilet for inspection...it was more solid than the other clots and kind of looked like a two inch piece of over cooked steak. Then I didn't know what to do with it... suddenly it felt so wrong to be staring at it... What was I going to do with it??? I flushed it... I was not emotional at that point... In fact, I was so relieved to not have to hope that everything would be ok... I called my Mom and told her... She is a nurse and the first thing she asked was "what did you do with the sac?"... I told her I flushed it and I guess she felt that I should have saved it... "For what Mom??? I can't see my doctor in Dallas for another 4 days??? What was I supposed to do with it???" This was the first time I felt guilty about flushing my baby... She said I was right... that I did the right thing... When Mr. D came home I cried a little but I wanted to let him know that I was doing OK...

The thing about miscarrying naturally is this... you actually "see" what comes out of your body. No one really prepares you for that. They just say "it is like a heavy period with clots and cramps..". well... yes... but they don't prepare you for the psychological part... The wondering about what horrific thing you might see each time you go into the bathroom alone. I had a horrible (and unrealistic) fear that I would look down and see a perfect little baby about the size of a pinky fingernail... This is the part that the woman endures alone.. I mean it is not like you call your husband or your mother in to say "look at this... what is this???" You are just there... alone...seeing it and trying to take care of your body (that you now hate...) and trying to be OK with "flushing your baby"... for days... all by yourself.

Because of the little pink "Hope" Teddy Bear that I bought when things started going wrong I have always in my mind called this first little angel Hope.

The next day was Saturday and I was scheduled to drive home so I could rehearse with my students on Sunday afternoon... I couldn't cancel the rehearsal and I didn't really want to... Staying in Houston one more day would have just meant being alone because on Saturday and Sunday Mr. D. would be gone from 11AM to 11 PM doing two performances on those days.

The next morning we packed up the car and I sobbed as Mr. D. and I said goodbye. The cramps were actually worse that day and Mr. D. Tried to get me to stay... but the thought of being in that hotel alone all day... well... I just wanted to go home. Mr. D. would be coming home in 2 days (On Monday his only day off) to go to my doctor's appointment with me and then he would drive back to Houston for the final week of shows... In 8 days he would be back home for good... I knew I just had to get through the next 8 days.

The first 30 minutes of the drive was really hard... I just cried listening to every sad song on the radio that seemed to be playing back to back. After that I sort of fell into a rhythm and the drive was ok. My back was hurting pretty badly and I stopped about every hour and a half to walk Emmitt and go into the most sanitary restroom I could find (usually a Jack in the Box) to clean myself up and change my gigantic pad. I felt like I was never going to get home... it was the LONGEST 4 hour drive ever... but I was proud of myself for being able to do it and to stay strong... you see... normally I am not a "alone" type of person... but through this I just didn't have that choice.

It was so good to get home and see my cats and be in my own house. My mom wanted someone to stay with me... be cause I still had a fear of waking up in the morning and hemorrhaging and you know... dying alone on my bathroom floor... but by now... after the drive and the week I had... I was glad with being alone.

The next day I was still bleeding lot and cramping badly. I went to the rehearsal and my students could tell that something was wrong... I had been so upset the week before spring break and now... well... I looked like hell... I sat them down and told them (with basically no detail) what was going on. Some of the girls cried and the guys were are hugely supportive. Usually... as a teacher I do not share my private life but since I was missing so much school the week of their big theatre competition I wanted them to understand that I was in an emergency situation in case another teacher had to take over.

That night Mr. D. arrived home at 3:30 AM after performing 4 shows Saturday and Sunday and the driving the 4 hours home so he could go to the doctor with me. We got up at 8:00 AM to be at the doctors by 9:00... That visit was awful... I had to have an ultrasound while I was bleeding to make sure "things were progressing normally". Do you know that I still had this fantasy that they would see a tiny heartbeat hanging on and defying the odds?... they didn't. I cried those awful ultrasound table tears... the ones that flow out the sides of your eyes and into your ears... it was a silent cry because I wanted to badly to be strong.

The doctor said everything was happening natrually (thank goodness) and sent us back to the hospital so they could draw more blood... this was the 6th blood draw at the hospital since the first day I went to the ER. As we went through the admitting counter and were escorted to the place where they draw blood, I think it hit Mr. D. what I had actually been through... "You mean you had to come to the hospital each time, check yourself in, get to the 5th floor, and go for the blood draw.?.. all by yourself?... everytime???" "yeah" I told him... "I have been pretty independant..." He hugged me and told me he was sorry that I had to do all that alone... and he was proud of the way I had held it together.

He had to go back to Houston that afternoon... I had called in to work, but I wanted to go in after school for rehearsal and to catch up with my students. When I walked into my office they had decorated an entire wall, floor to ceiling, with get well and symphathy wishes... They said things like "We are so sorry for your loss" and "We hope that you feel better soon"... many of them had long personal messages that made me cry... One said "We love you!!! ~ from your "kids". After about a week I took them down... Now I wish that I had kept them or at least taken a picture of that wall of support that they gacve me... but at the time.. I just wanted to be "finished" with it.

I bled for 12 days... slowly my body began to feel "normal"... although my heart never did. Mr. D. came back home and we started trying to heal things together. I remember crying so much... every day and night... then every night... then every couple of nights... I remember trying to tell friends and family how I felt and yet feeling like they thought I should "be over it". Most people said all the wrong things and made me feel like my loss was miniscule in the big scheme of things. Mostly... no one seemed to understand and I began to shut myself off to people... trying to live in a protected cave with Mr. D. where I felt safe. It was beginning to be spring and I spent a lot of time crying laying on the hammock in my back yard... alone.

After 36 days I had my first period... a painful reminder of what the miscarriage looked like and felt like. I had a really hard time that week...

We decided to start trying again right away... We convinced ourselves that this miscarriage was a fluke... a bump in the road... and in less than 2 months after my miscarriage I took another pregnancy test... We had sex exactly one time between the miscarriage and that day... and I was pregnant.

We were so scared and so happy... I remember sitting at the kitchen table with Mr. D. and saying "Are you ready to try this again?" It felt so cautious this time... so hesitant...

But I don't think either of us honestly thought that this could happen to us again...

... and then... it did.

***It has taken me a week to write this story and I need to take a break from reliving it... I will tell My (second) Miscarriage Story soon... but right now... I just can't.

Also... I am off prometrium for the month... and have taken 4 pregnancy tests with BFN's. Today is cd31 and I am expecting AF anytime now.

For Your Information...

Public Service Announcement for Blogland's Infertiles.

Just because you are watching FATHER OF THE BRIDE II where every stupid woman in the movie gets pregnant... (including the daughter and her 50 year old mother...) does NOT mean that if you pause the movie and run to take a HPT that you will get a positive result... even though everyone in the fucking movie did.

Thank you.
Jamie
cd-fucking-29

Ps... don't even ASK me WTF I was doing watching THAT movie in the first place... that bitch Hope made me do it.

My (first) Miscarraige Story part II

5W6D
After 2 days of not being able to do anything I went for the 2nd blood draw. I had to do it at the hospital because they did the first draw when I was in the ER and my doctor was insistent that we use the same lab to get the most accurate numbers. Went in for the stick... I was still trying to be hopeful. I got the call later at work... I don't remember the exact numbers but I know that they did not double.... They did increase... something like 65%... I didn't know enough about Hcg to know that this was a really bad sign. Believe it or not... I was still hopeful.

6W 0D
Went in to my doctor for another u/s. The sac was still there... it was bigger... but they couldn't see the baby. This new doctor still tried to be hopeful... I think he told me that there was a low chance that the pregnancy was viable... like 20%... I quickly understood that I was about to go through a m/c... and I was so scared... I heard awful things about d&c's and about women hemmoraging and all the terrible things that "could" happen. I also knew that in 3 days I was supposed to be going to Houston to be with Mr. D over the holiday... My doctor gave me the OK to go... He said that if I had not miscarried naturally over the next 10 days then either we would schedule a d&c or we would have a viable pregnancy...

I called my best friend at work... She was the first person that I actually told... It was horrible telling her that things looked bad and that I was probably having a miscarriage and that Mr. D. was away and that I didn't know what to do... She came over and stayed with me that night and the next night. One minute I would be crying and scared... the next I would convince myself that everything was going to be OK... I finally called my mom and told her what was happening... She offered to fly to Texas to be with me... but I knew that all I wanted was to get through the next few days and to get to Houston to be with my husband. I don't know how I functioned those 3 days... I had a show I was directing for a major competition at school and lots of responsibilities... I just did it. I just worked... no one around me knew anything was wrong.

6W3D
No one wanted me to drive the four hours to Houston... but nothing was going to stop me... I needed my husband. There was NO WAY that I was going to stay home on spring break for a week and WAIT ... alone... The night before I bought a little pink teddy bear while I was at Target because the name on her tag was "Hope". So after a few discussions with my doctor about emergency situations..."go to the hospital if you have unbearable cramps... trust me ... you will know when it gets unbearable" and "If you start bleeding and bleed through a pad in less than an hour... go to the hospital". I had a long rehearsal with my students that morning and then packed my car, my dog Emmitt, and "Hope" and headed to Houston.

The trip to Houston was uneventful... my back was a little sore from sitting... I only stopped once to eat and to walk Emmitt. When I got my food I had an incredible urge to get a root beer (which I normally don't like at all...) That root beer was so good... that was the closest I have ever come to a pregnancy craving. When I arrived at the hotel Mr. D. was still at rehearsal. He had bought a new pretty comforter for the hotel bed and there we beautiful fresh flowers in the room. When he got home that night I don't think I had ever been so happy to see anyone in my whole life. I new at least for this week I wouldn't be alone in all this.

The next 5 days were very strange. One minute I would be crying and sure that I was going to die from this upcoming miscarriage... the next I would grieve the baby I was losing... the next I would start planning my nursery and want to buy things for the baby... the next I was sure that everything was going to be OK... Mr. D was an angel... he supported me in whatever feeling I felt... when he had to leave for rehearsal he would call me multiple times to check on me back at the hotel. We shopped and played in Houston and tried to have a nice little vacation together... even though every once in a while I would burst in to tears and ask him "what do you think is going to happen???" I wanted to know what was happening so bad... and there were just no answers. I still felt so pregnant... very sore boobs, heartburn, gas, tired, and small bouts of nausea (usually when I was in the car). It was so strange to feel so pregnant and know that you may not get a baby.

7W0D
Mr D.'s show opened and I went to the performance. I had great seats and the couple next to be were very chatty... They asked why I was there alone and I told them my husband was in the show... They made small talk and at some point I heard myself say "We just found out that we are expecting our first baby in November..." It felt so good to tell someone without the "qualifiers" that things weren't going well with the pregnancy... I just blurted it out... and it felt like the mostnormal thing I had said all week. I decided that if I talked about my baby enough then maybe God would feel that I deserved to keep her....

7W1D
I announce to Mr. D on this morning that I had decided to "just BE pregnant" until my body told me something different. I wanted to shop and buy baby things and enjoy the feeling. I felt guilty that I would someday tell my child that I was not happy from the moment that I found out I was having a baby... I was desparate to be a normal pregnant woman.

It was a beautiful day... we took Emmitt to Whole Foods and decided to eat outside. After a wonderful meal I went to the restroom and saw a tinge of brown when I wiped. I felt all of the hope drain out of me and started shaking... I got it together to go back outside to tell Mr. D. what was happening... then I walked aimlessly around Whole Foods looking for pads... they didn't have any... We went to a drugstore... where I walked by THREE pregnant women to get to the pad aisle. I couldn't control the tears... After buying giant pads we decided to go to a park and walk Emmitt... This is mostly a blur... there were fountains and lots of people and children playing in the water and I just stood there holding my dog leash with hot tears rolling down my face.

We went back to the hotel, called my doctors office and left a message for my nurse, and watched a movie... School of Rock... Isn't it strange what we do in times of crisis... The nurse called back and told me that "brown blood is nothing to worry about" and told me that if I was miscarrying that there would be bright red blood. She gave me a little hope... but not much... There was very little brown blood so I tried to stay positive... but I knew...

7W2D
There was no more brown blood this morning and hope started to creep back in. We went to the mall and I got a pedicure and manicure. We were walking around the mall when my back started to ache... and we were standing in Pottery Barn Kids when I felt a little gush... This time there was no doubt... the blood was bright red.

My (first) Miscarriage Story

Many people have asked me to tell my story... I have to tell it in segments because it is so long... This is the first miscarriage... March 2004...

(If anyone knows how to categorize posts on blogger please let me know... I would like to put these stories on my side bar so they are accessible to anyone who wants to read them...)

please forgive typo's...

3W6D
In late February of 2004 Mr. D. was leaving to do a show in Houston. He would be gone for 6 weeks and I would go up in the middle during my spring break. The days leading up to him leaving we very strange... I was so emotional... I would cry and just sort of fall apart when we talked about him leaving… He has gone away to do shows before... but this time was different… I was just so upset. The day he left I think I actually begged him not to go... I didn't know what was wrong... but I just felt so scare... so abandoned... I blamed it on PMS and tried to get hold of myself... as he drove to Houston…

4W 3D
4 days later Mr. D. made the 4 hour drive back home... he could be here for 24 hours (it was his day off) and then he would head back I think one of the main reasons he came back was because I was such a mess when he left. So we spent the day together... My period still had not started so I had some left over HPT (of course) and the next morning I woke up before he did and tested... It was the faintest line you had ever seen. In fact, I called the number on the back of the box and talked to a very helpful lady who told me to "step 3 ft away from the test". She said "If you can still see the line...you have a positive". I could still see the line.
I woke Mr. D. up and asked him how many lines he saw "Two...why. What does that mean?" I told him and we hugged...we were so nervous.. He again... had to get in the car and make the 4-hour drive back to his hotel in Houston.

The next week was filled with me taking more HPT's… "We are still pregnant!" I made my first Dr. appt. for 2 weeks later when I would be 6 weeks. We decided not to tell anyone until Mr. D. was back from Houston. I joined Pregnancy Weekly and bought some books... I felt that Mr. D. was missing so much and I couldn’t wait to go up to Houston in 2 weeks for spring break so we could begin to share this pregnancy. The symptoms I had were gas and bloating and bad heartburn... I was so thankful that I was not nauseous. Toward the end of the week I started having a pinching pain on my right side... All of my pg books said cramping was normal during the first few weeks... but since I didn't know what being pg felt like I started to get worried.

5W 3D
On Sunday night I went to the grocery store, bought more gas-X and Tums, HPT, and came home and watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition. That night I felt a little better... but when I talked to Mr. D. on the phone and decided I would call the doctor in the morning if I still had any pain.

5W4D
Monday morning I left a message to ask the doctor about the pinching pain. I had just made it to school when the nurse called me back This is the part I will never understand.... the nurse said "well we are to packed to see you today...but if you are having pain you should go to the ER for an ultrasound." That one sentence sent me into what was a really terrible day…. Remember no one knows I am pregnant... I PANIC... I call the school secretary and tell here that my doctor thinks I may be having a miscarriage or and ectopic pregnancy and that I have to go the ER. They told me to go and they will handle everything... I told the teacher across the hall… everyone offered to drive me but I said no... And I left in a panic...hysterical...alone... on my way to the ER. (By "working me in" my doctore could have saved me $1700 and a lot of panic... but off to the ER I flew...)

Mr. D was very worried... On one hand I desperately wanted him to leave Houston and come home right then... on the other... I knew he needed this job and so we decided that he would stay... for now…

The people at the ER were really nice... They put me in a curtained off room that thank God had a TV... I laid there for several hours crying... talking on the cell phone to Mr. D. and "trying" to watch bad daytime TV. They took urine and blood and finally took me to the ultrasound room. The tech I was "supposed" to be 5W4D's but the tech kept asking me if I was "sure" about my LMP and my conception date... since Mr. D had been out of town for 11 days... I was very sure…
Finally after about 5 hours a gruff doctor came in and told me that things didn't look good... He "thought" he could see a sac in my uterus but it was small... he could not see a heartbeat and t him this probably meant miscarriage... he told me I would have to have another blood draw in 48 hours and we would no more then. Now. I understand all of this perfectly... but then I was so scared... so confused... that as I was released from the ER I again panicked... I just didn't understand what was happening.

Again I was totally hysterical in the parking lot of the ER... I talked to Mr. D again and he asked me to just drive over to my doctor’s office and demand that they see me and explain things to me...And I did.

I can only imagine what they thought of me when I walked in to the office and told them that I had to talk to my doctor. I was crying and holding the "threatened abortion" hospital paper work. I waited there for another hour... they moved me in to a room... probably because I was scaring the plump happy pregnant women. Finally they said that my doctor could not see me (EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS THERE AND I COULD SEE HER WALKING AROUND) "but" they said, "We have a new doctor who would be happy to talk to you."

The new doctor was very nice and explained how the hcg numbers work... he did another u/s and explained to me while we looked on the screen what he saw (a small sac in my uterus) he told me that 5W 4D could be to early to see a heartbeat and that "we just don't have enough information to tell right now" I would get another blood draw on Wednesday and another u/s on Thursday... for now I was pregnant... I guess he gave me some hope to help calm me down... I felt better after I talked to him... I talked to Mr. D. again on my way home... All of this had taken 7 hours...I was still crying… and I still was scared but I felt a little better.

Unfortunately.... this was only the beginning.

Still holding out!

Made it through Tuesday without testing...I am feeling some "imaginary pregnancy symptoms" as I have every other friggin' month... gassiness and bloating being the big two... According to FF I am 10 dpo... but I think I am 12 dpo... I still do not think that I am pg... but I am starting to get that REALLY antsy feeling that I want to test...

I will not test tomorrow morning... I have my 2nd laser hair removal tomorrow and I want to do it... If I got a BFP tomorrow I might freak out and cancel my appointment even though doubt that the tiny laser zaps on my moustache could possible effect a 10 day old embryo in my uterus... ) So... I am doing it... then if I find out I am pregnant I can freak about it then... Just like I will freak that I painted my office at 7dpo in a NOT very well ventilated area and drank 2 glasses of wine every single night for the past week.

So... maybe I will test on Thursday morning... Don't get to excited about it though.. I really don't think I am pregnant this month and I don't want you to be too disappointed if I get a BFN...

Thanks for your support girls...

OK... now I am freaking out... maybe I will test before I go tomorrow and maybe I will cancel my appt.. if I get a BFP...

shit... now you got me all confused... I don't know what to do....

UPDATE... exactly 8 minutes later...
BFN... I knew it... will get lasered tomorrow with no real worries... if I get I BFP in a few days I will probably freak... but tonight... nada... not even a evap line... as usual...

Oh... I did accidently pee on my leg trying to catch some pee for my cheap-ass-dollar-store-HPT while trying to have a completey normal phone conversation with Mr. D.... that was fun....

Still holding out... yeah right...

It is starting again...

THAT DREADED URGE TO PEE ON A STICK...

The facts...
CD 22 of approx. 32...
Somewhere between 8-10 dpo...
Pregnancy symptoms?... Who knows???? Progesterone screws up everything...
Chart?... Who knows what any of this means....
Update #1 Remember... don't get too excited about high temps for me... it's the progesterone talking folks... if my temps weren't high there would really be a problem... in fact (pessimistic view) we don't really know about the ovulation date... the progesterone I started on cd 15 could have cause the "O" cross bars on my chart... SUCKS.
Me?... scared of another BFN... I hate the downward spiral it throws me into...

"To test or not to test... that is the question...."

Update #2 I made it through Sunday and Monday mornings without testing... mainly because of your support.... You girls crack me up! Keep it a comin'!!!

advice?

The Name Game

Has everyone tried this "first name analysis"?

Mine is right on... so is Mr. D's... so are most of the people I know who have done it...

HOW DO THEY DO THAT???

*** Don't panic... they all tell you the bad stuff first...

JAMIE:
Although the name Jamie creates the urge to be reliable and responsible, we emphasize that it causes procrastination, lack of confidence, and the inability to realize your goals and ambitions. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the fluid systems, and worry or mental tension.

As Jamie you are rather serious-minded, responsible, and stable. You have the gift of tact and diplomacy, and possess a charming, easy-going nature which endears you to others. You have a serious desire to understand the heart and mind of everyone, and could be very effective in a career or in volunteer work where you are handling people and serving in a humanitarian way. This name also gives you a love of home and family, and as a parent you would likely be fair and understanding.

ELISE: (my middle name)
Though the name Elise creates the urge to be creative and original, we call attention to the challenge of controlling temper as a result of a highly intense, dissatisfied, and restless quality. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses or accidents to the head, worry and mental tension.

Your first name of Elise has given you energy, drive, and ambition, but also an almost excessively strong-willed and independent nature. While you are creative, inventive, and ingenious in practical matters, and always ready to initiate and promote new undertakings, you often experience difficulty in bringing your undertakings to a successful conclusion because of your own changing interests or changing circumstances.

wow... yep... that's me... (Did you notice that "worry and mental tension" was in both of mine??? Thanks Mom.)

Post yours!!!! Post yours!!!!

Tests suck...

The next two days I have to get to school 1 1/2 early for state mandated testing at school... which to me means I have to sit out in a hallway for 3 1/2 hours to make sure no one talks about the test on their way to the bathroom. Which I actually prefer to administering the test... since if you give the test wrong... ultimately ... YOU COULD LOSE YOUR JOB.

Ahhh.... the perks of teaching theatre...

I hate tests... all kinds suck

• School tests
• Quizzes
• "No Child Left Behind" Tests
• Ovulation Tests
• Blood Tests
• Sperm Tests
• Kareotype Tests
• Urine Tests
• Hcg Tests
• Home Pregnancy Tests

all of them... suck.

Temping STILL sucks...

Uggg... I finally got an "O" cross bar on my STUPID STUPID STUPID chart... and if FF is right... (as you can clearly see my the BD ticks) ...We missed it! We missed it because our cat Lenny got out that night and we had to search for him and then Mr. D was to upset and worried and slept on the sofa in case the cat came back.... Lenny did come home (at 5:30 in the fucking morning) thank goodness....

So... hopefully Lenny got some cat ass that night... That cat better watch out when AF comes around this month... if you see him limping right around the time I get PMS... you'll know why...

***I still think I might have "O"ed on cd 11 or cd 12 and the dip on the 11th was b/c I temped an hour early and got all messed up... and I think the recent temp rise is because of the progesterone that I started on cd 15.... Who freakin knows... who freakin cares....

Temping sucks!

The What??? Files...

Today in the WHAT??? Files....

What??? File #1 - This is taken directly off Jenna's blog today... if you are not following this story here are the basics...
There is a law that they are trying to pass in VA that states:
When a fetal death occurs without medical attendance, it shall be the woman's responsibility to report the death to the law-enforcement agency in the jurisdiction of which the delivery occurs within 12 hours after the delivery. A violation of this section shall be punishable as a Class 1 misdemeanor.
This means that after you have a miscarriage at your house you have to call and report it...
TO THE COPS....
of all people with in 12 hours or you can be punished with 12 months in jail and a $2,500 fine. This is just crazy. I thought everyone should get a chance to read more about it.

SEE THE ORIGINAL POST ABOUT THIS BILL AT MAURA'S

More blog news at Chez Miscarriage about this "Have Miscarriage... Go to Jail" story.

***UPDATE***

Wow ! Wow! Wow! Maura sure did a great job getting the word out about this story... it has been posted on over 100 blogs and she has actually received a letter from VA delegate John A. Cosgrove stating that the wording of this proposed House Bill 1677 is being changed to "include language that will define the bill to apply only to those babies that are claimed to have been stillborn and that are abandoned as stated above". READ THE LETTER HERE
That is amazing and all within 48 hours of Maura's first "mobilization of the troops". Ladies... we CAN make a difference... thank God. Good work Maura!!!! I love democracy!


What??? File #2 - Poor Brad and Jen... if those two can't make it then there is no hope for the rest of us...

What??? File #3 - I think Mr. D. is jealous of my video boy toy... I know I have been spending a lot of time with him lately... but come on ... it is just a crush. Mr. D. has been walking around the house all day singing the song... but... it is just not the same.

What??? File #4 -Funny random book report... I am a teacher so these types of things amuse me...

What??? File #5 - Tertia and Marko are parents!!!! The twins have arrived! Congratulations!!!

What??? File #6 - I have totally screwed up my temps for this cycle by waking up and temping at different times every morning... So now I have no friggin idea when or if I have ovulated... This temping thing may not be for me... If you understand charts feel free to look at the mess I have made... This AM was the worst because I thought my temp would stay up to show that I have O'ed... but I took it at 6:30 (before I got up to pee) and it was 97.4... way down.... So I went back to sleep and took it again at 7:30 and it was 98.2.... WTF??? So I have no idea what temp to use. I am pretty sure my O was on cd 11 or 12... Gah... I guess I will start progesterone on cd 16 or so just to make *sure* I have had a good chance to "O"... Basically, I have no clue...

That is it for now... sorry I am so boring... it is that kind of day...

Mr D. and I are off to buy mulch for the yard..
...thrilling.

cd-13

I have been taking this OTC expectorant called Musinex... aka the formerly prescription expectorant known as Guaifenesin... This was prescribed by my Ear, Nose, and Throat "voice" specialist for Mr. D and I since as singers and people who use our voices a lot we can keep our voices better lubricated and cleared of icky mucus... He recommends taking it to anyone who talks a lot... public speakers, teachers, actors, etc... I haven't used it for a while but since it recently went OTC I started using it again... and... no more scratchy throat... Every morning I take a Musinix, 1 baby aspirin, and a giant prenatal... just in case...

So today, I starting wondering about this "expectorant". So... I put on my scrubs and began my medical research. What do I wonder about it? Well... do you think it will work like the famed Robitussin that can help you conceive? My medical school research (Google) found that it sounds like almost the same thing... and this article says it has the same active ingredient... I have heard a lot about the Robitussin babies. Since I am supposed to ovulate some time in the next couple of days it would be nice if I had thin sperm friendly mucus... a thin ass would be nice too... but I don't think Musinex helps with that.

(Did any one else notice that article #2 says that this drug is a pregnancy category C drug and should not be taken during pregnancy... and article #4 says that it is a category B drug and that it appears that there is no risk to using it??? Hmmm... What is up with that??? Shouldn't doctor's agree on this kind of important information???? Doesn't matter... I am just using it to lubricate my vocal cords... and it if accidentally helps me get fricken' pregnant... that would be swell!!!!)

If you haven't watced the "F-word" movie over at Karen's you really need to stop in for a peek... She is going to be such a great mom.... although I can't imagine why she is serving Jaegermeister at her adoption home visit... everyone knows that classy families only drink Everclear and
Kool-Aid out of (mostly) clean bathtubs.... sheez...

I must admit I still watch this guy sing to me every day... I think I have a crush on him... Thank you Alex for introducing us...

OK... Don't call me tonight... I am planning a surprise suduction attack on Mr. D...

CD 11...

Check out this story and movie on Alex's Infertile Gourmet page.... So funny....

No real news here... cd 11... starting the every other day TTCSexFest...

Last night...
ME: "Guess what we have to do tonight and every other night for the next week?"
HIM: " Already? It is that time again"
ME: (sighs) "yeah... don't sound to excited about it..."
HIM: "Well you just make it sound so appealing when you announce what we "have" to do this week... like it is another chore..."

Point well taken... Note to self... try to remember this is not just another chore...

To do list
1. buy a new sexy-tight-ish-see-through-ish nighty
2. shave legs every single day
3. no garlic foods for dinner
4. attack my husband out of the blue
5. look up kama sutra on the internet and find out what the heck it is...
6. Never mention temp charts or ovulation to my husband again...
7. Add mascara, perfume, and pouty lip gloss to getting ready for bed routine
8. Remind self daily... "it is not all about a baby..." lather, rinse, repeat...

Wow... "like a chore"... What the fuck have I become?

PS... even as a chore we still had fun last night... ha! Take that Kama Sutra...

shit.. I am dangerously close to being late to work....

Out with the Suck... In with 2005.

I am not really superstitious.... but I do believe that (generally... in the past... for me) that the way that you spend New Years Eve is somehow cosmically directly related to the pending year... and last year (2004) New Years sucked and brought in 2004 a "Year of Suck" for me.

So... this year I was bound and determined to kick 2004 out the door and welcome 2005 in a way that befitted the year to come. We were invited to parties... but neither Mr. D. or I felt much like a party... after such a sad and melancholy year it just seemed to forced to "party" with a bunch of acquaintances that we have mostly already forgot.... We looked in the newspaper and saw lots of "events" that we (for the bargain price of $150 per couple) could attend and dance the night away... but again that seemed a little to "forced merriment" for me.... I wanted the coming year to be comfortable... to be (gasp) normal.... to be filled with "extraordinary happiness" for me and Mr. D...

So as simple as it sounds... here is a chronicle of our New Years Eve....

We started the "party" at 2:00 pm at the movies... we saw the sweetest movie FINDING NEVERLAND... I cried so many times during this movie... it was just a beautiful sweet sweet sweet story... and even though it was sad... it left you hopeful... Then we went out to a "fancy" dinner at Red Robin.. I had my ultimate favorite Blue Ribbon burger and fries. After the early bird dinner we went back to the movies for THE INCREDIBLES. It was probably about 7:30 when we left the movies and we went for frozen custard.... guess what we had... An entire slice of apple pie, whipped cream, nuts, and carmel all smooshed together in vanilla custard to make a sort of glob of yummy goodness that they call a "concrete". OMG... was it ever good.. Mr D. and I shared in in the car as we talked about our favorite parts of the movies.

On the way home we stopped by Mr. D's parents house to wish them and his niece and nephew (ages 12 & 10) a Happy New Years... We stayed there until about 10 dining again on cheese puffs and soda with the kids and helping put together a 550 piece I Love Lucy puzzle of Lucy stomping on grapes.

When we got home Mr. D and I did something that I have been putting off all the holidays... We wrote about Christmas #9 in our Family Christmas memory book that we started on our very first Christmas together when we were dating... when we only dreamed that someday we might be married and a "family". Usually this is a warm and fuzzy Christmas Eve tradition when we review the past year and write about all the highlights... vacations, shows we did, family events, big events like getting a National Tour of a show or building our first home.. just stuff that rounded out the year in our lives. This year... there were so many sad set backs... so much hurt and pain that I couldn't even think of writing about it in out precious Christmas book... But together we wrote and although it was sad... we called it the "Year We Survived." The most ironic thing I noticed is that the last line of 2002 was "starting to think about babies" and the last line of 2003 said "STILL thinking about babies..." But as we reduced our highs and lows to a few scribbled notes we remembered to be thankful that all of our families and friends were still with us and that we were still safe and sound together.... the last line for 2004..."The Year We Survived".

At 11:40 Mr. D and I went on to our back patio and held a private little ceremony that we made up to usher out 2004... We sat at our little patio table and wrote down all the things that we wanted to say goodbye to in 2004... mine listed a lot of emotions that I am tired of... hurt, fear, pain, sadness, things like that... I also wrote a little goodbye to my two tiny angel babies... I don't know what Mr. D. wrote...we didn't really share our thoughts... it was more private than that... we took a pretty crystal dish and lit the papers that we wrote the goodbyes on on fire... I watched them until the were only ashes in the bowl and then, as Mr. D. Suggested, I sprinkled the ashes on to the rose bushes in our backyard... "So something good can come of it" he said.

We held open the back door so we could heart the count down and joined in the last 10 counts... 10... 9.... 8.... At the stroke of midnight we leapt into the air and banged on pots and pans yelling "Happy New Year"!!!!! (a childhood family tradition that I had not participated since I was a teenager for fear of the neighbors thinking I was weird like the rest of my family). After that we embraced and I just whispered in Mr. D's ear "pray"... and we did... Silently but together. I finally again thanked God for my husband and for keeping or family and friend safe in The Year of Suck... and I asked God to "maybe... work on... the stuff that went so wrong..." After a few more skips around the back yard yelling "goodbye sucky 2004"... we hugged and went back in to our home...

This is my family.. me and Mr. D... yeah... there is more family that we love and friends that we care about... but I spent New Years in the most important way I could... with my family.

Goodbye 2004 (don't let the door hit ya..)
Welcome 2005... Ever hopeful...

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Side note.. it has come to my attention that most of the infertile girls on my link list have become fertile!!!! A fact that I am very happy (and jealous) about!
A Little Pregnant - welcome Charlie!!!!
Barely Tenured - pg with a hcg of over 3000
Chez Miscarriage - Sarah is still pg!!! YAY!
The Crooked Cervix - back to blogging and safely still pg...
Enough Already - pg!!!
Mystery Uterus pg!!!!
The Growing Season -pg and 1/2 there!!!
The Naked Ovary - Adopting!!! Maya will be home in 10 months!!!
My Reich Ovary -Pregnant!!! Yay left ovary!
Horkin Ramblings - yep.. you guess it pg...

So... even though I love these "fertile" infertiles... I need to list some more "infertile" infertiles on my links page so they can get pregnant too (since being listed on my blog may increase the odds of pregnancy)! So... Send me some sites to link up to... I'll call it "The Best Infertile Blogs I Am Not (YET) Reading" Quest for More Friends Sweepstakes!!!!