Another dream...

I had my first sort of "adoption" dream last night. Well sort of. Before I went to bed I was looking up the cost of IUI at other doctors offices in my area... trying to decide if I should change doctors... and then I went directly to bed...

The dream.

I found out that I had a baby that I didn't know about during my first marriage... sort of impossible I know. I guess it was more like I was the father or something.. anyway in the dream it seemed perfectly normal. I went to my ex-inlaws house to meet my daughter. She was about 4 years old (even though I divorced my ex 10 years ago...) with blond stringy hair and sort of looked like a little trailer park kid. My ex brother in law's ex girlfriend had been raising her... that explains the trashy look. My ex-in laws were there with a huge box full of beautiful new clothes... I think they wanted me to take her... but I wasn't sure. They kept telling me that I needed to be responsible and be her mother. I liked the little girl... but it just seemed like she wasn't mine. Then I went to take a shower to get away from my in-laws and I called Mr. D. and told him that we had a daughter. He was somewhere in a car driving.. but I don't know where he was going... maybe he was coming to me... He was happy but I still didn't understand if I was supposed to take her and for how long... It almost seemed like I was supposed to stay there and be her mom under their supervision... and that made me very uncomfortable. My in-laws kept banging on the bathroom door telling me that I needed to come out and take the baby... but when I did they just hovered over me like I was doing it wrong. Finally Mr. D. was there and we were trying to change her clothes and get her out of this house...

then I woke up...

Analysis please...

We go back to competition tomorrow... Wish us more "break a leg!"

Double Yay!

Yay!!! My students advanced in their competition!!! They were great and we go to the next round on Thursday! So another looong busy week for me... (not- complaining!)
I will write more soon... but I have to get to work!

Mr. D. comes home today!!!! Double YAY!!! I am so tired of living alone... I have missed him so much this week!

I might be considering those IUI's soon... I just need to decide if I want to use my same doctor (who I sometimes like and sometime hate...) or bother with trying to find another doctor... I have had several people recommend new doctors... but it is just such a pain to start over with someone new... I have thought about doing 2 IUI's (because of the $$$) and I think that is as far as we can go financially... Discuss among yourselves...

CD 1...

Today I got AF on what *was* cd 27... She showed up several days early and she came with a humungous gush... (sorry for my hubby and any other men reading). But I had no flippin notice since I was too busy thinking my non-progesterone sore boobs and bloating tummy might mean pregnancy... but no. So I was at school in the middle of class when I practically has to run to the bathroom... gross. I guess that explains the unbearable headache that I had last night...

No 2006 baby for me. fuck... I will turn 35 with no baby in my arms. I will have another Christmas with out being a Mom...double fuck.

Tomorrow is competition. Think good thoughts for us. The show is ready.. the kids are ready.. Me? I just so nervous for them. I am sure they will be great... but who ever decided that there should be competition, even in the fine arts, was a total moron. Hey Texas.. get a clue... Theatre is not a SPORT. Every-freaking thing doesn't have to win a gah-damn trophy to be worth doing. Stupid. Anyway... just cross your fingers that we WIN. (I mean.. if they are going to force me to compete.. then I WANT to WIN... even if the system is fucked up.)

I'll update on this weekend after I SLEEP IN on Saturday.

PS... Please visit Ollie for my EXACT feelings on the "Endo Switch-a Roo" episode on LOST. UGGGHHH... I am so sick of infertility being the hot topic of the moment... I mean I would be grateful if they didn't make it so "quick and easy" to get treatment! But mostly I am sick of the misinformantion. I can't WAIT for the first person who asks me if I have had an ultrasound to check for Endo like Sun did... I might just explode.

What is that NOISE???

First day back at school today and a very interesting thing happened. After school the cast of the competition play I am directing and I were in the auditorium rehearsing. We had just finished a run-though of the show and were sitting down to get notes... we go to competition this Friday so we are in the "down and dirty" notes sessions. While I am talking with them I keep hearing this... high pitched squeak... It distracted me every few sentences and then I finally blurted out "OK... does anyone else HEAR that??? We all got quiet and we all could hear a distinctive "mewing". I jumped up and said "I think that is a cat!"

We walk around the theatre for a minutes and discover the sound is coming from under the stage... We went into the pit (with our trusty theatre nerd flashlights) and we can hear definite "mewing" from the vents under the stage... So... as all technical theatre teachers would do... I whipped out a screw driver and removed one of the vent covers (which are about as big as a car door) and sent the boys into the vent! (I probably could be on the news or something for this has there been a tiger or a dead body in there... but hey I wasn't about to go into the vent with heels on!) In about 5 minutes we had brought out 5 little kittens... From INSIDE the school UNDER the stage... There was no Mom to be found (she was probably hiding and ready to be rid of the noisy kittens). The kittens were about a month old and we very very cute. I spent the next hour nuzzling the babies as the kids called their parents and begged to keep the theatre kittens. We found homes for all five (at least for the night) so I didn't have to bring any kittens home with me. I already have 3 cats and a dog and with Mr. D in Houston I think a new "baby" would have been too much for me... especially when they might need to be bottle fed.

Although I am sure the kids will re-name them... we christened them all with theatre names...
Shakespeare
Brecht
Beckett
Moliere
and LIZ... named after the show we are doing this week.

*Most of the kids plan on re-naming them after their characters... Rudy, Liz, Sophie (for the "Sophisticated Visitor"... a very small role... ) and I am sure I will learn their "new" names tomorrow. Their "Theatre" name will be their secret name... Come on your have seen the musical CATS haven't you???

So as you probably guessed after repairing the vent I allowed them to pull out and losing my school keys it was late... I will be giving my notes tomorrow.

Send "break a legs" for our competition... It will be a busy week!

Mr. D. is still in Houston for 7 more sleeps... he says I will be so busy with competition this week that I wont have time to miss him... yeah right... I am counting down the MINUTES until he is home.

I see dead people...

So much to tell you! I have had a great time here in Houston. I leave tomorrow morning and I am sad... but it has been an incredible trip and Mr. D. will be home on the 27th so I think I can make it without him for another week. OK... here is the wrap up...

cd 21 - I am still getting HIGH readings and I used my last stick today... I am done. I am not sure what 12 days of HIGH readings mean... but I doubt it is good. I do not plan to use progesterone this month since I feel doubtful that I ovulated at all... which sucks because I was really stressed about the timing of this trip... whatever... this has been the worst part of my trip.

On Tuesday I had the ultimate day of pampering.

(TIME OUT) Now... I have to say this. I am not a rich girl... most of you know that Mr. D. and I live primarily on my teacher's salary. But this year has brought Mr. D some good fortune in his career and so we have been able to splurge a little on things recently. I feel like I have to say that because I write all the time about not being able to afford my non-insurance paid fertility crap ($450 a month for clomid... $950 a cycle for IUI... or $15,000 for IVF) so I don't want people saying "Wow... she doesn't have money for fertility treatments but she can go to the spa for a day???" I guess if I added up the Pergo floors, the laptop and the spa and all of our Christmas I *might* have been able to afford 2 IUI's but... anyway... I hope you can understand that we are not spending frivolously while not choosing fertility options... In fact a lot of my $$$ recently has gone to pay the $3500 vet bills I had in January. It is just at this point I kind of need the "quick fix" and the "sure thing"... Anyway... I just felt like I have to explain... Try not to judge me... I do want a baby more than anything... I just that Mr. D. and I can't sacrifice everything else that gives us a tiny bit of pleasure to spend on doctors... especially after doing it for 2 years. OK?

Back to the spa... I had hoarded three gift certificates from SpaFnder.com that Mr. D. gave me for Christmas and Valentines Day... and he told me that if I didn't spend them I wouldn't get anymore... So I found a local beautiful spa and spent them on a package!!!! I arrived early and got in my robe and slippers and then was escorted to the steam room... I LOVE steaming! Then I lounged in the "relaxation room' until my time. My first service was something that I have always wanted to do but never would spend the $$$.. A tandem massage with two massage therapists working on me at once. This is an experience that I wish for everyone of you at sometime in your life... it was incredible!!!! The best 45 minutes I have ever spent on the massage table... pure bliss. There is something about having someone do reflexology on your feel while someone else is massaging your shoulders that makes you feel like a real princess... I mean for real... a real princess. My last treatment was a tranquil facial massage... which is 1/2 facial and 1/2 face, sinus, and head massage. It was also incredible. All in all the BEST spa experience I have ever had. For those wondering my total including tip was $180... but remember $150 of that was in gift certificates from presents I never spent so really out of pocket for me it was $30.

Here is a spa girl tip... If you shop at Costco you can by $100 in Spa Finders gift certificates for $80... that saves you even more... That is one reason why Mr. D. is able to give me so many gift certificates! Also Spa Finders is awesome because you can choose from a ton of spas around the country... that is how I was able to use my certificates here in Houston

Tuesday night I saw Mr. D.'s show and then went to the opening night party. The show was fun and all the people in it seem really nice. I am glad he is here with such friendly down to earth people... most are married and have wives or husbands back at home. Ahhhh the life of an actor.

Wednesday we spent the day at the mall... I didn't buy much just a couple of shirts from NY&Co. But that evening while Mr. D. was at work I went to the BODYWORLDS exhibit I told you about. I went all by myself and was nervous that I would be freaked out but I wasn't at all. I LOVED IT!!! IT WAS INCREDIBLE!!!!! First I saw the IMax movie called THE HUMAN BODY and it was great... I was so scared about seeing the pregnancy stuff at BODYWORLDS... but actually abut 50% of this movie was about a pregnant woman's body... It was beautiful.. although I was frustrated at how "natural" and "simplistic" it is for most people. It makes me mad that I am having so much trouble doing something tat "everyone else" just does "naturally". Whatever. Ok... back to the museum. I went in the exhibit and was surprised at how crowded it was at 8 PM on a Thursday night. There were all sorts of people there...from very young (about 3 or 4) to very old.. there was even a group of medical school students there with their professor. I rented the audio tour (which I totally loved) and went through. It was not gross or disturbing in the least. In fact I had to keep reminding myself that these were real people at one time... but it just didn't seem possible. I saw everything... hearts, livers, the nervous system.. the digestive system... all of it close up and personal. I saw what smoking really does to your lungs... If you want to quit smoking... just go to this exhibit.. you will quit once you see what it will do to your body... very icky. There was a healthy breast and a Breast with cancer. I saw ovaries, Fallopian tubes, and the uterus... Penis, testes, and well... Everything... Just laying there in the glass table! I even held a "plastinate" kidney and a liver! The "full body plastinates" were so neat... some were almost beautiful posed in very artistic ways like dancing or in a lovely stretch. Some were humorous... three men playing poker! I was disappointed though... this exhibit did not include the 8 month pregnant woman... and by this time I wanted to see her. I am not sure why... but she isn't on exhibition here. I did see pictures of her and a 5 month pregnant woman in a book (which I purchased because I am now obsessed with this exhibit) and it didn't bother me to see the picture. In fact.. I thought it was actually loving and comforting that the mother and child are together in death forever. I did see a baby at 13 weeks gestation and one at 21 weeks. It was amazing how perfectly formed they were... I feel sadness but for me t was not nearly as disturbing as seeing a baby in a jar of formaldehyde. I loved the entire exhibit... I wished someone was here to see it with me because it is something that you want to talk about for days. I would recommend it to anyone who has the opportunity to go. In fact today I asked Mr. D. if he wanted to become a "plastinate" with me when we die... so that we could tour the world together locked in some loving embrace... uhm... by the look on his face...I don't think that is going to happen.

Here is a museum girl tip - This exhibit in Houston is much cheaper if you go after 5PM... only $15 instead of $22... also add the Human Body IMax to your package and rent the audio tour! The exhibit will take about 1 1/2 hours to go through with the audio tour but would be much quicker if you just walk through and looked. Also... remember the much discussed pregnant woman is not on display here... that seemed to disappoint several of the women there who really wanted to see her.

Today we just went poking around... we went to Ikea and out to lunch and just shopping around town. It was a nice slow day. I really realize how much I love my husband on days like this. I just enjoy hanging out with him and going to Target. He always makes things fun and finds the specialness in everyday junk. (gush...gush...)

Tomorrow I will drive home. I hope you enjoyed this happy post... hopefully I won't fall into depression when I get home to my empty house and busy stressful work week that is waiting for me when I get back. I am sure that it will hit me soon that I busted on the ovulation thing this month... and that the reality of "what do we do next?" stands looming. I am glad I have you friends to keep me company and get me through the rough parts... and I am glad I can share the good stuff too.

This was a good week.

Need your advice...

First a quick rundown of the day in Houston...

Still no PEAK.. thank you to those that responded yesterday... I am hoping Ollie is right and this means super O! I will keep using for a couple of more days and then give up.

Sore? Hell yes... but actually not as bad as I though I would be. but it is a strange sore... not like a regular workout but a deeper sore. I learned very early this AM that while walking and squatting cause only minimal pain... laughing and coughing almost bring me to tears! I will go back and kick that instructors ass... just give me a day or two.

Today... Got up and went to breakfast at KATZ DELI... yum. Then Mr. D. I I spent the better part of the afternoon painting pottery here. It was so fun! We have done it a few times and I always love it! I painted a "family celebration" plate with a really cute cupcake on it for all of our "family celebrations" and Mr. D. made a coaster with a cartoon portrait of me on it!!!! Funny... he let me paint apart of the face and now she looks more like a he! I'll post pics as soon as I can.. but they take a week to fire so I won't see then until Mr. D. comes home on the 27th.

OK... THE ADVICE...
Would you go see THIS museum exhibit??? It is showing here in Houston and I am so intrigued. Mr.D. says it is horrible and morbid and he won't see it. So if I go it will be on my own. But other local people who have seen it say it is amazing and mind blowing. I have always loved anatomy stuff like this... but knowing that these are real cadavers sort of makes is creepy.. I mean these people were alive and now they are on exhibit with their skin removed for all the world to see. Yes.. that is gross... but I am still intrigued in a scientific and human sort of way. There is actually a man standing all organs and muscle holding his own skin in his hands... (picture linked below... look at your own risk). It is so strange and unbelievable... I am not sure what I think of this. (Article about the exhibit from NPR).

OK... now the really scary part. Most people say the "roughest" part of the exhibit is an 8 month pregnant woman with a section open so you can see the baby. (pictures here... look at your own risk...) There are also over 20 perserved fetuses ranging in age from 4-33 weeks gestation. I am nervous to see this part of the exhibit... but part of me would really like to see the 6 week old embryo. We probably all have seen preserved babies in jars at the local science museum... I remember seeing them when I was in elementary school... (it always gave me nightmares to see those perfectly formed babies in the jars full of formaldehyde... like somehow they drowned in that tiny jar...) But now... I have the strange sense that seeing these babies might give me an insight into my own body. I might even be glad I saw them when if I ever get pregnant because I will know what I am carrying inside of me. I don't know... am I crazy??? AM I morbid for being interested in seeing this exhibit?? Who you pay the $22 to see this "exporation" of the human body?

I would love to know your impressions of this exhibit.

uh oh...

I don't know what is going on... but I am still getting HIGH's on my monitor. Today is day 17 and now I am starting to get a little freaked out. I have never just not "PEAKED". So I am not sure what the heck is going on. the word "anovulatory" keeps whispering in my ear... but I am trying to ignore it.

I am having fun here in Houston. When I got here Mr. D. had 2 dozen white roses and some new pajamas waiting for me in the hotel room. (He is so amazing!) unfortunately, I have not seen much of Mr. D. because his show opens tomorrow night so he has had "10 out of 12's" for the two days I have been here... which means he works "10 out of 12" hours he is called into the theatre each day. It is not to bad though... We get up and go to breakfast and hang out and then he leaves for the theatre about 11:30. Then I am on my own until dinner when we meet at a restaurant 1/2 between the hotel and the theatre. Then he goes back and I am on my own again until midnight when he gets home. There is so much to do here with the wonderful shopping and museums that I have not been bored so far. I also have a new cell phone so I have been spending hours trying to decide on the "perfect" ringtones and then more hours trying to learn how to use this new phone that does way to much "non-phone" stuff that I will probably never understand. It does take pictures though so as soon as I figure that one out I'll be snapping pics of everything. Hopefully starting tomorrow Mr. D. will only have to get to the theatre an hour or so before the 8:00 show so we will have our days free until I leave on Saturday.

I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in months... I did a yoga class and loved it. I forgot how much I really enjoy yoga... I sweated like crazy and yet felt really good when I left. So good in fact that today I decided to take a Pilates class... Pilates is like yoga right??? WRONG! Pilates is a total ass kicker! I seriously thought I was going to die... or at least puke. Even the super handsome, tan, muscular... (and probably gay) pilates instructor Alex was getting on my nerves with his "Hey, are you feeling anything yet? No? Ok... lets do 100 more" crap. I doubt that I will be able to get out of bed tomorrow without sobbing. I was thinking about scheduling a massage for tomorrow... but I don't know if I will be able to stand to have someone touch me without crying tomorrow morning... in fact I can already feel myself getting sore! Yikes! There is another Pilates class tomorrow evening... Maybe I'll go and kick Alex's ass... no... I probably won't be able to kick... maybe I'll just bring a stun gun and zap him!

Tomorrow I plan to shop... there is a HUGE Galleria one block from the hotel and it has everything within about a mile. Tonight I stopped at Tootsies and looked at $95 tee shirts and $1600 dresses (I'd never had been into a Tootsies before). I also stopped into Anthopology one of my favorite stores. I didn't buy anything... I am sort of not wanting to buy clothes because I... am not happy with my "have-not-been-in-the-gym-in-a-year" body... but it is fun just looking. There are also tons of expensive baby and children's boutiques... but I don't know if I will feel like going in.. it just seems like self torture.

So aside from the whole "no PEAK" thing I am actually getting some much needed rest and relaxation. I am worried about my PEAK... but I guess there is nothing I can do... but keep having sex... poor me (wink wink.)

Best case scenario...

I don't know if it was the ibuprofen or just the tremendous amount of stress in my life the last two weeks... but... I have managed to hold off ovulation. I got my 5th HIGH reading this morning. Hopefully I will get a PEAK tomorrow or better yet... Sunday and that will maybe keep us in the ttc business for this month.. Although I still know it would be a slim chance for us this month. (Let's just hope I didn't have so much stress that I am not going to ovulate...) WAIT... why can't I just stay positive??? Yay... I haven't ovulated and by this time tomorrow night I will be in Houston making out with my husband.

My best friend Nic and her family are housesitting for me... THANK GOD. I just typed up a page of detailed instructions on how to take care of my animals... so much harder since the dreadful "pet trauma" of January 2006. I still have my dog Emmitt on meds and of course the cat Hannah needs insulin 2X a day. Thank goodness I have such a great friend to stay here and take care of everything. Now all I have to do is finish cleaning the house so that she can feel pampered while she is here!

So... I am almost off for spring break. I have 1 sleep, 2 rehearsals, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, changing the linens, waxing my eyebrows and packing for a week in between me and a MUCH needed rest. Mr. D. has been emailing me the webpages of the spa's in the area and the gym at the hotel... I plan on trying to detox from stress all week. I think I am most looking forward to sleeping through the night... something I have not been able to do while Mr. D.'s is out of town. I will be able to keep up with my blogworld while I am gone... Mr. D. bought a nice new laptop for us with the first installment of the commercial money. So I will be checking in daily and hopefully posting about how much rest, relaxation, and sex I am getting.

Also thank you for all the adoption info. I am glad I opened the door... and hopefully at some point (if needed) Mr. D. and I will walk through it and somehow get this family started.

See ya in Houston!

cd 12....

Countdown to Houston...
There are three more school days, three more sleeps, four more rehearsals, and a four hour drive between me and my husband. I just hope I can make it to spring break.

I am having a super hard time getting along with people right now. I feel like my students don't take responsibility, their parents enable them, my administration doesn't support me, and my co-worker is not pulling his weight. In looking at the situation.. I am lucid enough to realize that, as Dr. Phil might say, I am the common denominator in all these issues. So... that leads me to believe that I may indeed be the problem. Mr. D assures me that I am under a tremendous amount of stress and that the people around me really are not doing what they need to be doing... Which is making it harder for me. It all goes back to my work ethic and perfectionism issues. It is very hard for me when I am working until I feel like I will drop to understand why everyone around me is not doing the same. Why do things seem so much more important to me than they do to the people surrounding me. when we are all supposed to be working towards the same goal?

I do often feel like people see my assertiveness as being a bitch. And I also know that I come across as someone who has it all together... Who consistently keeps all the balls in the air... but what people don't realize is that I live in constant fear that I will drop the ball and that people will see me as incompetent. I constantly feel misunderstood... like people see me as a selfish person only worried about MY work or MY issues or MY problems... but I want to be able to be helpful and work collaboratively with others... but when you feel like you are already doing all you can... it makes you feel like "No one ever helps me so how can I take on one more thing to help you?"

I do not really feel like I am having anxiety... just stress... but I feel like I really could use some Paxil or BusPar right now to help take the edge off. I have been off Paxil for almost a year because of ttc... but I think that when I am going through an especially stressful period in my life I need it...

Mr. D. came home for 1 day on Monday and I took the day off to spend with him. I finally found the courage to bring up our ttc stuff and and I told him that I would like to open up our options to adoption. I don't know where to start or how to get into this process... But I feel like if I get to 35 without being pregnant that I feel it is time to look into another way to get pregnant. My mother maybe getting some inheritance money soon and what I would like to do is to try 2 IUI's and then start the adoption paperwork. Mr. D. was quiet and didn't say much about my thoughts... but at least I have opened up the dialogue... which for me was a very scary thing to do. We did decide to talk about it more at another time when we have more than 1 day together.

Today is cd 12 and I got my 3rd HIGH on the monitor. I am hoping to hold off ovulation for at least 2 more days to have any chance at ttc this month... Someone suggested that ibuprofen can help hold off ovulation so I am taking that. I will be in Houston in Saturday night... Let's just hope I don't PEAK tomorrow or Friday.

Gotta get dressed, clean the bathroom, and get my dog to the groomers all before heading to work.... yikes... I better run.

Guess what I made...

Went to the doctor today.
A real doctor... the kind without stirrups.

I have had fluid caught in my middle ear since my cold and it is driving me crazy. I got a steroid shot to see if that will reduce the swelling and release the fluid so my ears can stop crackling and popping and I can hear again. I also got a nasal spray steroid... I guess for the same reason.

Oh... by the way... did you know that a tonsil removed 18 years ago could suddenly grow back? Neither did I. I will now have to see an ENT specialist to ponder the newest addition to our family... My pint size left tonsil. I have named her Cherry and will from now on refer to her as my daughter. I made her in my own body with no help from a "specialist". I plan to keep her and cherish her forever... unless she starts to give me trouble and then I will have an ENT Tonsil D&C performed and have her Cherry red ass evicted. Would I make a good mom or what?

...and how was your day?