Party... cancelled.

I had really upsetting news today at the doctor. I went in thinking that I would be starting my big clomid challenge but that is not the case...

I have a really big cyst. It is 60mm (that is 2.36 inches or about the size of a plum... or to be incredibly depressing.... about the size of an 11w 3d old fetus). This monster cyst has developed sometime since my last u/s in mid-July. I only saw the nurse this morning so I had to wait all day for the nurse to call me back after she showed the doctor my films.

This is what we know so far...

1. They could not believe I wasn't having pain from this.
2.The cyst seems "clear" indicating a "non-suspicious" fluid filled monster cyst.
3. Although metformin treats polycystic ovaries.. this is a different type of cyst.. probably a follicle gone crazy (from clomid???) that never released an egg... this is different from the small clusters of cysts that I have had before.
4. The cyst does not seem to be an "urgent care" issue right now... we will be watching it closely.
5. That I seem to have the worst g-damn luck in the world.

Treatment
1. I have to start birth control pills on Sunday (sob!)
2. I will see the doctor again next Friday to see if there has been any change in size or shape... she said sometimes they shrink significantly when you are on your period.
3. If there is no strinkage or growth I will continue on bc pills for "a couple of months" to give the cyst a chance to go away.
4. If it doesn't go away on its own then we will "go in and drain the cyst and remove it."

Fuck... fuckity... fuck fuck fuck!

I guess I will be spending the last month of my 34th year on bc pills and that the chances of getting pg anytime the rest of 2006 is pretty much "unlikely."

I am heartbroken, pissed, scared, bitter, and numb.

Can I just feel sorry for myself for a minute and stomp my feet and cry and say... "IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!!! IT JUST ISN'T FAIR! WHY??? WHY??? WHAT DID DO TO PISS GOD OFF THIS MUCH??? " I promise that I will remember to be thankful for all the wonderful things that I do have tomorrow... I'll make a list. I really do appreciate my amazing husband, my family, my beautiful home, my friends... I am grateful. I know that I have more than many people on this planet and that I need to count my blessings. I get it. But tonight can I please just... cry?

After a weepy day at work, Mr. D. took me to dinner tonight and then we splurged for an ice cream cone... after dinner we decided to name the cyst "Oliver Cyst". Oh, by the way massive monster ovarian cysts can cause weight gain so that explains the past 2 months and the extra 5 pounds. (yes I do realize ice cream cones also could cause a little weight gain too... do you have to kick a girl when she is down??? Sheez.)

Oh.. and just in case you are tempted do not google "large ovarian cyst" and for God's sake do not click "images".

Trust me.

Do. Not. Google.

I am really trying to deal with this... please help me.
I need my girls right now.

Knock Knock... Am I late???

After almost 100 days guess who decided to show up at my door at 5:30 this morning?

Yep... gush... cd 1.

Time to celebrate... even though the bitch cheated me out of another hour of sleep... because who can go back to bed after getting AF after 3 months MIA. Plans are swirling through my head... I guess I need to see the dr. in the morning for a cd 2 blood draw and u/s and start my clomid challenge on day 5. I guess we will finally see what my fsh levels are and get an estimate on my 35 (minus 1 month) year old egg supply. Wow.. I am really looking forward to 5 days of a double dose of clomid (100 mg) YIKES! Well that is it... she is back... apparently I still have a few AF's left in me.

Cramps... sort of intense in the back... but manageable.

Flow... heavy.

Bloat... still here - so far the 7 pounds gained since my last period (in JUNE) are still hanging on.

Mood... happy but crabby. Never been so thankful for PMS.

Let the party begin!

Ding Dong the witch is back!

Is it just me...

Is it just me or does it sometime feel like all of your relationships are falling apart at once?

(Not my husband (who met me at the door with a glass of wine and a candlelight dinner... then pie... then a tall glass of Jack)... just everyone else).

My students are mad at me... I am strict and over work them...

I am totally overworked... I spend all my time at school...

I spend all my time at school... I am exhausted....

I am exhausted.... I don't have the patience to be a friend...

My friends don't call... I feel neglected....

I feel neglected... I resent my parents...

My parents don't understand... I call my brother

My brother pisses me off... I am lonely...

I am lonely... I want a baby...

I don't have a baby... I am depressed

I am depressed.... I throw myself into to work...

I work to much... I am a perfectionist...

I am a perfectionist... My students are lazy...

I am demanding... Who can live up to my demands?

Ok... chalk it up to a really bad day at work... go to bed... try again tomorrow.

cd... ???...nothing new.

recap... Saturday

The set build day was brutal. We worked from 10 am - midnight builing the wall for our most recent set. There were 21 kids there and 5 adults... but... it just takes a really long time to cut, frame, cut, face, prime, paint, 2nd coat of paint, attach hanging hardware, hang, fit doors, hang doors and clean up for 52 ft of walls that are 12.5 feet tall. This week we will get to taping and hanging baseboards, chair rail moulding and crown moulding. The project (in supplies alone) has cost us about $870 so far! Just look around your living room... basically that is what we did.

The kids were amazing and everyone worked very hard... I hardly had to yell at anyone all day which is impressive... even more impressive everyone still has 10 fingers after working with huge saws all day. It was about 95 degress that day and we worked outside building... I got some nasty prickly heat and my entire chest broke out in about 1000 little tiny pimple looking things... gross. Thankfully it is almost gone now... it is still way to hot for a turtle neck!

OK... gotta get to school... last night was Open House so I didn't get home until 8:45... so I am dragging today and it is only Wednesday!!! Saturday really wore us all out... 14 hours (most in the sun) is really draining!

PS - Remember when this was a "trying to have a baby" blog? Yeah... neither do I.

cd - well over 75... AF... nowhere in site.

PSS - Spell check is down.. don't have to check it... spelling problem.. just ignore them.. it is not like I am a teacher or nothin'.

cd... hahahahahaha

I am ok... I have just been very busy this week.

Started the progesterone on Sunday... today is day 5... nothing so far.

This week was the week Mr. D. starred in the big SWEENEY TODD concert at the big fancy symphony hall. It was unbelievable. The music director who is a very famous director from New York commented in the papers that he thought this was the best sung Sweeney that he had ever heard (including the recent b-way revival!) thanks to my talented husband. There were so many people there... over 1200 and almost all of our friends and family members were there! I bought this beautiful new dress and paired it with a red choker that Mr. D. picked out for me (Sweeney fans... get it??? I have an incredibly witty husband!) I was the most proud wife in the entire city (maybe even the world!!!) that night! I took off work he following day so I could bask in the glow and go out afterwards with the cast... and we made it to bed that night at 3:30 AM!!!

The rest of the week has been a drag... Sept 11 was very hard and the kids at school were acting very strange and depressed all day... Many people wondered at the time how the children would respond to the tragedy.. well these kids were in 5th and 6th grade when it happened... and let me assure you... it effected them... deep.

It is time to have out first HUGE build day to build my set for our fall show which goes up in October. Saturday will be a 12 hour day.. yuck... but I should have walls and doors by the time we finish... so that is a start. It just makes the week very looooong to put in an entire Saturday at school... unfortunantly...

Last night right before bed Mr. D. noticed that my very old puppy Emmitt had a big bloody mess near his collar... After much cleaning and shaving we found a dime sized open hole about 1/2 inch deep. apparently one of his fatty tumors burst (this has happened with him before). We have a vet appointment at 2:40... hopefully they will be able to just sew it up and give him an antibiotic... we are praying that there is nothing else wrong... see my December and January archives for the "Saga of the 14 year old puppy"... in a nutshell... almost $4000 in surgeries to save his little life 6 months ago... so we are pretty gun-shy about having to visit the vet.

That's it... I have to get to Home Depot before school to order paint... then I will go back during my lunch to pick up many of the building supplies.. then Ms. New Great Teacher will go back with a truck in the late afternoon to pick up the $500 on lumber and doors... Then tomorrow... we build.

whew.

Plan B

OK... I took the internet's advice... I called the doctor's office.

I asked to make an appointment with him for my annual visit and to discuss what is going on... the nurse said that he was really booked next week and I might have to wait on the annual until another time... but to let her call me back after she spoke to him personally...

When she called back she first told me that he wasn't concerned about my period being so weird because he sees it happen a lot and there are many reasons it could do this... no being that serious. But he knows how uncomfortable I am and that we need to "reset" my body so that I have a period. The nice thing was that the doctor said he was more than willing to rearrange his schedule if I wanted to come in and he could talk to me in person... but that there were basically 2 options right now. (3 if you include "just wait..." but we are done with that.)

Option A - Come in for a big ol' progesterone oil injection. This would raise my progesterone levels high and then in about a week when the progesterone is out of my system they would fall dramatically and induce a bleed sometime in the next two weeks. (This was the same thing the provera was supposed to do but it didn't work). Apparently a possible cause for an AWOL period is that my progesterone never surged and dropped off naturally so my body thinks it doesn't need to have period. Probably a side effect of chronic low progesterone... which we know I have had in the past which is why I am always on supplements in the second half of my cycle.

Option B - I could go on vaginal progesterone supplements for 7 days and then stop them abruptly to induce a bleed... same theory as above. This would bring on a period sometime in the next three weeks. These are the same exact progesterone supplements that I take each month in my luteal phase so I know the side effects well and I know how my body reacts to them.

I decided not to make the dr. rearrange the schedule... it was nice of him to offer though... I will wait and get my annual the next time I have to go in... it also saves me from having to take a day off of work. And I have decided I am choosing Option B... because even though I may have to wait longer it is less hormones in my body all at once. I am scared to have big injections of anything because once it is in your body... there is no going back... and if it makes you feel terrible, or gain weight, or throw up... there is nothing to do but wait it out... and I have had enough of that.

So tomorrow I will go and pick up my prescription and start the stinky yellow bullets of doom.

Holy pantyliners Batman... it is going to be a long month.

40 days.

Two weeks ago I wore my white pants to work in hope of bring on my period... nothing.

Today I wore them again... nothing.

It has been 40 days since the "sludge".

Yesterday I took an hpt and got the normal "not pregnant".

Today there is a full moon... maybe it will pull my period out of me.

Last night when Mr. D came home from rehearsal at 11:30 pm I started crying and crying because of my body and how yucky and disgusting and fat I feel.

I weigh 155.5 pounds in the morning... naked... before food.

7 of those pounds wasn't there 40 days ago.

I am depressed.

Mr. D. wants me to stop using fertility meds because of how horrible they make me feel.

I don't know what to do...

What do I do?

Inspiration.

I was inspired this morning by these articles...

What I have learned
Jamie age 34

When someone shows you who they are... believe them. (OK this is not mine... it is Maya Angelu... but it is sooooo freakin true)

The beauty is in the details.

When you gain weight when you are in your 20's it comes off when you cut out cokes or desserts... when you gain weight in your 30's... it is not that easy.

It is possible to have acne and wrinkles at the same time.

A person who cheats with you will cheat on you.

Appreciate the time you have with your parents... mine live far away and it is really hard not to have them on a daily basis... plus.. as I am getting older their mortality is becoming more and more obvious to me.

Just because you wanted to be a actress at one time and then changed your mind doesn't mean you are a loser or a quitter... it just means that your goals changed. That is ok.

Being pretty doesn't help you make friends with women.

The saying "Those who can do... Those who can't do teach" is complete bullshit and needs to be stricken from our vocabulary if we ever want to find qualified teachers for our children.

The American education system is really screwed up.

1 dog and 3 kitties are not to many pets... but it is pushing it. Pets are part of the family and you should treat them that way. Putting animals out in the backyard and then ignoring them is cruel.

There are two sides to every pancake.

People ARE looking at you and judging you by you appearance... you are not being paraniod... especially if it is a group of actors... and especially if you have gained weight. Oh... and they will talk about you when you leave. Just accept it and move on.

Getting a positive pregnancy test does not mean that you are having a baby.

People can change... but they usually don't.

Getting divorced at 24 can be a blessing... I mean it is certainly better than hanging around in a bad marriage and then getting divorced at 34 anyway.

When you find true love you will know it... How? It will be easier than all your other relationships.. and more fun.

A girl can get along in life quite nicely knowing how to cook 4 dinners perfectly.

Having two miscarriages can shake you to the core... it can actually change the person that you are.

Therapy is great.

Insurance sucks.

It is good to stay in you pjs all day every once in a while.

Diet pills don't work and they make you feel all jittery and throw-up-ish.

Don't under estimate the power of perfectly arched eyebrows.

Sometimes the students teach the teacher.

Parents can really f-up their kids without even realizing it.

Marriage is not like all the sitcoms - There are husbands out there who are tidy, organized, great lovers, sensitive, cook, and take great care of the house... and they are not gay either!

When you get stressed, try to listen to your body... take a bath, get a massage, get a pedicure... if you don't listen your body will just start talking louder.

Don't get married when you are in our early 20's... you change to much between 20 - 26.

Drama in your life is not exciting... it is draining. It is ok to be "normal". Do not create drama because you are bored.

The more jewelry... the worse the marriage. (I stole this one... but it is sooo true).

You must have coffee every morning... if you skip it you will have a headache all day long.

Apples don't fall far from the tree.

The best way to end an argument is to let it go. Pick your battles.

There is great strength in someone who can apologize.

Planning is the key to a successful party.

You can not be too organized.

Making the bed in the morning can make you feel like you house is clean.

Marrying the right man will make your life so much easier... if you married the wrong man... you can not change him... so either change your expectations or get out.

Kids do not always make you happier.

Pay off your debts. Do not live off credit... it is like living in prison. Do whatever you have to do to pay things off and save a little bit every month. It feels so much better to buy things with money you actually have. Live within your means.

Wanting something that you don't have can eat up your insides.

Sometimes there are people who just always seem to make the wrong decisions in their lives... it is hard to support these people... but they still need us... even if they won't listen to our advice.

Sometimes people give advice but it is really assvice. Ignore them.

Reality TV can be addictive... so can diet coke... and cake.

Vacations are important. We never really took family vacations when I was a kid... we couldn't afford them. I think it is important to save up and then get away and have fun as a family together. A great vacation at the end of a hard year can make all the difference.

It is hard to be content.



OK... that is it for me... so far...

I am interested... what have you learned?

uuugggghhh... confusion.

My body is doing very weird things. Imagine that... MY body acting strange... shocking.

On Thursday morning when I woke up I had a tiny (teeny tiiiiny) bit of blood on the TP. It was not even enough to be red or brown... it was beige-ish taupe. I was sure that in an hour or so it would be heavier and AF would come...I waited and waited... I went to the bathroom several times to check... and... nothing... all day... nothing.

On Friday mid-day there was again "something" there... This time it was the lightest slightest pink color... waaaay lighter than my much beloved carnation pink crayon and probably even lighter than "mah tu fay-vor-right" colors... blush and bashful (theatre nerds will get it). It was barely there, but there never the less, in a very small tint of pink. Again I thought that within an hour I would start... plus I yelled at my students for forgetting (for the 3rd day in a row) to bring in their f-ing fundraising money so I was pretty sure PMS was settling in. But... again... nothing.

Today is Saturday... again mid-afternoon there was the pink. No heavier or darker than yesterday... I have had a pretty intense headache all day.. but it seems sinus-y and there are thunderstorms rolling in so it could be that... and my face is a bit broken out... but again... nothing else on the TP. Nothing. NOTHING. N-O-T-H-I-N-G!!!!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??????? What have I done to deserve this ttc purgatory??? I just don't get it.

So here I sit... confused... again.