How evil are you? (UPDATED)

I am 44% evil.

I could go either way. I have sinned quite a bit but I still have a bit of room for error. My life is a tug of war between good and evil.

Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

Borderline evil... well I guess that makes me 66% not evil... I guess we better not push it!

Thanks Vanilla for the link!

UPDATED:

In other news...can someone pluh-leese tell me why the hell I told my mom I was making an appointment with a therapist???? She called today to ask how it went with that super concerned mothering "I-just-wanted-to-check-on-you-because-you-might-fall-apart-at-any-minute" tone of voice... Which (by the way) is irratating for 2 reasons... #1 The appointment is TOMORROW and #2 I really don't want to come home and re-hash my therapy session with my mom. I know that she means well.. but I never should have told her. I love her... but.. I think she is going to annoy me a lot with the "what does the therapist say" stuff.

Oh.. another wierd thing happend... the accounting lady at the therapist's office called and said that since I have already met my $500 deductable tomorrows visit would just be a 20% co-pay (about $25)... this is wierd because I called my insurance on Monday and they said I had NOT met my deductable and the visits would be out of pocket until I reached $500. Hmmmmm... how long to you think it will be until they figure it out??? With all my doctors visits this year you would think that I would easily have been to $500 in co-pays alone... but the insurance company said that co-pays don't count against the deductable... Oh well... screw 'em.

BCP and Met - day 3

I can not thank you all enough for the support on my last post. It is day 3 on the BCP's and I still don't see them as cute little "reset buttons"... I am just starting to feel the effects of the Metformin... but so far it has not been that bad. I am fighting extreme exhaustion though.. (That actually is one of the side effects) but thankfully (so far) my tummy has been ok. For those of you wondering I started on 850 mg once a day and will move up to two doses a day next week after we get my system used to it. I read that prenatal vitamins may be the secret to not getting so sick on the MET... it has to do with the iron... plus I was already eating lower carb... so that probably helped too. Cross you fingers though.. I had a chili dog for dinner (so much for low carb) and I hope I will be OK throughout the night!

The Soul Cysters website has been great... mostly I lurk but there is so much info on PCOS and the drug that I am on. It is nice to know that other women have been through what I am going through. If you have PCOS and haven't been there I REALLY recommend it.

Other than that I have no real news... just trying to fight off the depression and focus on this month of healing. I have a therapist appointment on Friday to discuss my grief and anxiety about trying to get pregnant. I hope that she will be able to somehow relate to what I am feeling and not just tell me to "relax".

I reconnected with my good friend Angela this week. We haven't talked in about 4 years but I called her and we talked last night! It was so good to chat with someone who knew the old Jamie... the one that wasn't obsessed with pregnancy... the one that was happy and funny... Angela was there for me during my divorce and I was there for hers... In fact we have known each other for over 10 year... Back from our themepark showgirl days! Back when we were too skinny and she could smoke a pack an hour before a show and I could eat a pint of ice cream for lunch because it was impossible to gain weight dancing 8 shows a day! Gee... I wonder how my metabolism got screwed up??? Anyway... she was inspired enough by my blog to start her own. She is not trying to have a baby (has no desire for it yet) but she is trying to pull her life together and start over. So... check her out and give her a house warming part over at her new blog!

Take her some Mento's and a pack of lights... she'll love that.

Welcome to Blogland Ang.

Double Doctor Duty...UPDATED

Second Dr. visit...

First just let me say: FUCK.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK......

Well I got my u/s and the doctor was very nice and didn't even mind that I had been cheating on him. BUT... I have now been officially diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome). On cd4 I had one really big folly (almost an inch long...) and about 10-15 smaller follicles (AKA cysts) around it. F-U-C-K. I knew something was wrong... I just fucking knew it!!!! He actually said that this would probably be a mild case of PCOS (which explains why there we no cysts when we looked in November.. apparently they can come and go.) And he told me that the main way they treat PCOS is with clomid... GREAT... Then he dropped the bomb. "We have to get your cycles back to normal first though" he said... (my lip started quivering) "There is only only quick way to do that" he said... (My eyes start welling up with tears.) Then he said those three most dreaded words that an infertility patient can hear:

"BIRTH CONTROL PILLS."

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo no no no no.

So I am now officially out for 30 days and I will also start Metforman to stabilize my insulin levels. IF the cysts are all gone in three weeks I will stay on the met and start clomid again. He told lots of stories of "rebound" pregnancy after 1 month on the pill and how a large percentage get pregnant the first month after... but a lot of women get pregnant just by having sex with their husband too.. and that hasn't worked for me.

I am depressed... and yet happy to know that I did the right thing by finding a doctor who would listen to me and actually stick the vag cam up there and take a look! I will be busy the rest of the night on google learning all the terrible things I need to know about PCOS and Metforman... (I already know it causes "intestinal difficulties" ie.. Diarrhea) But... my doctor did say that a lot of women actually lose weight and feel better on it because it stabilizes their blood sugar.

On another note... I have an appointment with a therapist on Friday. I decided that I need help dealing with all of this and the sadness I still have over my miscarriages. So.. Hopefully this will be a month of extreme healing...

OK.. gotta go try to choke down a BCP... I just want to cry thinking about it. Oh.. the nurse told me not to think about it as a BCP but as a tiny little "RESET" button to give my ovaries a break and to get them ready to do their job. Cute huh... (I am still seeing them as BCP's but at least she tried..)

Send me all the knowledge you have on PCOS and Met.. I need it all.




Dr. visit #1 today did not go well...
He came in looked at my charts for about 5 seconds looked inside me with a speculum and a light then did his normal 5 second internal exam... After all that he said that he doesn't know if this was a "real" period or not... When I told him it was heavier than my last period he said that he doesn't know if it was "ovulation induced". So we don't know if I am on cd 25 or cd 4... So he said no clomid this cycle and to come back when I was in the first 5 days of my next period. He wanted to see a blood draw to see where my progesterone ais and to make sure I am not pregnant... but no one thinks I am since I just had a beta done on April 5. When I mentioned monitoring he said "I am not going to do that. If you want that done you need to see a reproductive endochronologist." So I left.. in tears... no clomid prescription... no u/s... no monitoring... I think that will be my last visit with that doctor... and I am not going to do the blood draw until I see the 2nd Doctor today... My insurance will not pay for the same blood draw in one day... so I will wait and see what happeneds at 3:45 before I make any decisions.

I feel like shit.

Conceive Mag....

I was leary to check out CONCEIVE MAGAZINE because I thought it would be another incognito pregnancy magazine... but it really isn't. In fact... I LOVED it. There were great and informative articles... one that I LOVED was on finding support online and on message boards.. I thought of all my friends here. There was a lot of info on IUI and IVF, an article on clomid, and even an article on choosing to live childfree after infertility. I plan to have Mr. D. read several of the articles too... There was also a surprisingly few pictures of pregnant bellies and babies (which always tend to bother me lately) And (best of all) I didn't feel sad after reading it... I felt a little more hopeful and a little less alone.

I really recommend picking up a copy. I really felt like the magazine was "conceived" just for me.

Will post tomorrow after my 2 (yes... TWO) doctors visits... I have one at 10:30 with Dr. #4 to demand monitoring... and then at 3:45 I have a back up monitoring session scheduled with Dr. #3... (the only downside to everything is having to tell Dr#3 that I have been cheating on him with Dr. #4.. and then I have to explain the clomid fiasco the past two cycles. ugggghhh...) But rest assured that someone WILL look at my ute tomorrow and explain to me WTF is going on!!! I also found an RE in my area that I am thinking of seeing if things with these other two jokers don't go well. Wish me luck.

Doctors..My not so brief history... (UPDATED)

UPDATE: How can I explain the moodiness and uber-frustration the past two days??? Well.. this morning AF SHOWED UP!!! I know what you are thinking "WHHHHHAAAATTTT????" So AF arrives about 2 weeks early... I have NEVER (in my ENTIRE life) had a cycle less than 26 days... NEVER. Does that mean I ovulated while I was on my period???? .. I am planning to INSIST on monitoring...starting in the next 5 days... if he won't do it... I will try to get in to Dr #3 again... because I know he will do an u/s... but I need to be seen somewhere in the next 5 days. I am scared and bawling right now... What is going on?????

I am not sure how much of my story you actually know... Especially the boring doctor stuff... but I have been through the ringer in the last 13 months... I have tried to be aggressive and sometimes I think my main mistake has been firing so many doctors instead of sticking with one... but they never seem to do everything the "right" way. Some order tests but do not folly monitor.... some believe in checking progesterone... some don't... Some want me to have a lap... others disagree....

This is my 4th doctor...

DR. #1
I had been with this doctor group for 6 years... and I had both my m/c with the same doctor... He didn't "believe" in checking progesterone levels... So I don't know if my 2nd m/c could have been prevented with supplements... After the 2nd we did all the blood work, karyotyping, Hsg, sperm stuff... they checked for everything that could be checked in the blood...
DR. #2
The 2nd was an parinatel specialist that I saw because they thought that I might have a blood disorder because of some bad blood results (antiphospholipid antibodies...) He helped me rule that out. But then... since I didn't qualify as "high hisk" for a perinatel specialist (especially since I wasn't pg) I had to find another doctor... and I didn't want to go back to the 1st... to many bad memories and I just didn't trust him because of the progesterone thing.
DR. #3
The 3rd was an infertility clinic where I was checked for PCOS through a series of 5 trans vag u/s to look for signs of PCOS, Polyps or any other cysts... he found nothing. I left him because he put me on progesterone supplements after a cd 16 blood draw (everyone else says it *has* to be done on cd21 for accurate results...) and because he went straight to wanting me to have a lap. I have no symptoms of endo...and I have been pregnant 2 times (not being able to get pg is a big sing of endo) and since we know the tubes are not blocked (because of the hsg) I am not really interested in having an exploratory surgery.. And when I told him that he started in on IUI and IVF and I got scared he was after the $$$.
DR. #4
I wanted a doctor that would go step by step... and not rush me into IUI or IVF... Especially since we STILL don't know WHY I have miscarried in the first place... And I *could* miscarry again. IUI and IVF just seem wrong to do until we establish a problem getting pregnant... not STAYING pregnant. I was happy to go to this doctor because I thought clomid is a better next step for me... He had all the records from my folly monitoring the month before with dr. #3 so that is why he just started me on the clomid right away... It was either that or do the lap. Or do nothing and keep trying natrually... Those were my only choices. Now I find out that this doctor does the clomid and the cd21 progesterone draw... but doesn't monitor the follicles... Why can't one of them just do it all???? I think that when I see him next month I will ask him to monitor with u/s... Especially since the temping and the OPK's are not working for me. If he refuses I don't know if I should look for doctor #5 or go back to Dr. #3 (the infertility doctor) because he might do a better job helping me with the clomid and actually do the monitoring.

It is just so hard to get a doctor to LISTEN to you... Every time I go to a new one they want to start at square one and I have already had most of the tests that they want to do... so I have to lug my records from doctor to doctor and they have to try to put it all together like a big puzzle.
It really has been a nightmare... Now that you know most of my history... what do you think? New doctor... old doctor? Same doctor? What would you do?

I just wanted you all to know that I have been aggressive... I have tried to find a doctor that will listen and do what everyone else's doctors are doing... Sometimes I think all this "google information" is making me so mistrustful of doctors because I constantly feel like they are doing it "wrong"...

98.2

Well... looks like a downward spiral.. In fact I almost cried and called in to work this morning when I saw the 98.2. I *still* have no idea what is going on. I feel myself sinking in to a depression (added to the fact that Mr. D. is in rehearsals so I get home from work at 4 PM and he walks out the door at 4:45...) This doesn't feel like a depression that is based in sadness... no it is different... it is based in frustration and anger... It is the kind of depression that makes you want to sit on the sofa alone... not satisfied by anything... but certainly not having the energy to call someone.. Why??? To say "Yeah.. I am sad that I can't get pg... What?? Oh you have to take your kids to Little League... Ok.. I'll catch you later." I don't want to talk about it anymore... I just want to cry.


Oh... And about Pusillanimous Wanker's comment on my last entry... Don't crucify him... Everytime he posts I am amazed that he is still reading... I don't even think Mr. D is still reading... I like having PW around... and believe it or not, I feel the same way he does ... I am sick of charts and temps... I am tired of not getting any closer top my goal. It is just that Mr. D. and I are not finacially in a position to adopt. I have looked into it... but we can not afford the $18,000-25,000 that it would cost to start. We don't even have the $5000 to start the process. We are also up against a lot to over come become Mr. D. is about to be 44 and 45 is the cut off age for adoption with most agencies here in Texas. I know that PW's advice was well meaning.. and you have to remember he is a guy... but PW.. we are just not there yet... maybe someday we will be... But for now I am doing the temps and charts and doctors... and that is frustrating. For now we are doing the best we can...

Too upset to continue....

A Dip???

Is this a dip... or a downward spiral?

Ally just wrote me that as long as my temps stayed high it looked ok... but uggghhh... then a big drop???? Who KNOWS what we will see tomorrow... Maybe a dead person is trying to contact me through my chart... maybe they are trying to draw a giant... lump. WHO friggin knows????

So.. Do you think it is:
A - Ovulation...
B - Implantation ("Hope... get OUT of here!!!"),
C - One more thing that make absolutely no sense this month....

Any expert charters want to take a stab at it???

Weird...

For those of you playing along with the home edition of "WTF IS UP WITH JAMES CHART???" I have no advice... (I know you are watching Sara.. And I wish I knew what was happening...) I have actually been MUCH more vigilant about temping at the same time every day... 7:20 AM... but from cd1 they have been weird and high... On cd 7 I temped at 5 AM because of my competition... but I suspect a 7:20 temp would have been higher too... that is a steady increase each day.

I do not think that I have ovulated yet... most of my clomid symptoms eased up after cd 10 (yeah... except the extra weight... that is still hanging on...) Yesterday I had a very light line on the OPK... Oh.. I think I forgot to tell you about the OPK conversation with new doctor(I am thinking of naming him Dr. Casual... but I am open to other suggestions..)

Me: "Well my temps were better this month on clomid (she laughs now in bitter irony) but... I still never get a positive on an OPK even doing 2 a day... Is that ... uhm... Weird?"

Dr: "Never??? Hmmmm... that is ... Weird..."

Me: "But we know I am ovulating right???"

Dr: "yeah... your progesterone is great... I like to see 12 and you are at 22.4... weird."

Me: "Well I do get a light line at the time my temps (irony again) show a possible ovulation"

Dr: "Hmmmm.... Weird... Even with 2 day???

Me: "Could it be that a light line is my positive?" (In her head " If you call me weird one my fucking time I am going to strangle you with this paper sheet!!!!)

Dr: "Yeah that is probably it... Weird. Those things are not always reliable you know..."

Me: (Screaming inside...) "How come they seem to work for everyone else?"

Dr. "We KNOW that you ovulated.. that is all that is important. Weird.

Me: "Yeah... Weird."

So now that my temps are as "weird" as my OPK's you can probably understand why I am getting so frustrated this month...

weird.

A quick update...

I have been taking a couple of days off and just wanted to give you all the updates...

My students did a awesome job at competition... but we did not win... I actually was surprised because everyone seemed to think we were a sure thing... everyone except the judge... So I was in a funk most of Sunday and Monday and even took a day off of work to recoup!

On Monday night I sang at the big benefit last night and it went really well. We raised $8000 (after expenses) for the family of Olivia ( 7 year old with leukemia) and the HOPE FOR CHILDREN FOUNDATION. There is nothing like looking into the face of a mom who lost her 8 month old baby to leukemia to put things into perspective for you... I am so honored to have been a part of this benefit... especially since my mom lost my half sister to leukemia when she was only 4 years old... I didn't come along until 6 years later... but my mom always seemed to grieve my sister Joanie.

We are on cd10 and gearing up for OPK's and TTCSex this month. I wish that I was feeling better... the clomid is really kicking my butt this month.

Th-Th-Th-That's all folks...

Jamie's Clomid Moment of the Day...

Last month I sung the praises of clomid! I was going to be one of the few women who took it easily with few side effects... Uhm.. this month is different. Today is cd 9 / day 5 of clomid... And I am in medicine induced ttc hell...

First the 3 pounds of bloat from last month never came off... my weight this morning was 153 and I am not happy about it. I feel huge and ugly. My breasts are literally coming out of my bra and feel like rocks... I think I may need to get a new bra... but because of reasons listed above... I don't want to. I have constant gas pains and stomach pangs that make me feel terrible. MY temps are really high and the hot flashes are pretty intense this time. I am also fighting heartburn and nausea constantly... To top it all off...my emotions are not under my control... I feel like I fluxuate between 3 (and only 3) emotions... 1. Extreme anxiety (almost feeling to the point of a panic attack... ) 2. Anger (Feeling like being mean for no reason and snapping at everyone) and 3. Crying (all the time.. at least 3 times a day...)

The other weird side effect I am having is a really "full" feeling after I eat. I can eat a normal sized meal and 1/2 hour later feel like I have gorged myself... like that sick too full feeling you get after stuffing yourself like a Thanksgiving turkey! Except I get it with normal, regular sized, healthy meals... Has anyone else felt this one????

So basically I feel what pregnant women feel in the first trimester... except one little thing... I AM NOT FUCKING PREGNANT!!!!!!! That was confirmed last week by the beta my dr. ordered, the heavy period 10 days ago, and the temp drop last month.

I have no idea what to expect the rest of the month. I am getting worried that FF is going to misinterpret my extreme temps for early "O" and mess up my chart. I am going to start using the OPK today... early... but I don't know WTF to expect this month.

I am thinking the TTCSex will begin in the next day or two... I am sure Mr. D. is so hot for me after the sick and ugly way I have been feeling and acting this month.

Well... at least we know the clomid is working...

Confused... yet again...

What is going on with my chart??? My temps are a degree higher than they usually are this time in the month... and I thought with daylight savings time they might be LOWER... since I am actually temping and hour earlier...

I am so confused... Also I never dropped the 3 pounds of bloat from my period and my boobs still hurt like I am pg... they never stopped... even through my period!

I saw the doctor on Wednesday... he did a beta since I had a false evap line earlier... but I know I am not pregnant... I just had a full period!!! Anyway... to make things worse... they have not called with my results... (I am not liking this nurse... I HATE having to call them!) He was really happy with the way my progesterone went up on the clomid... he said he was expecting to see a 12 and mine was 22.1! So we can feel good that the clomid is doing it's job.

I am on cd 7 and day 2 of clomid. Did anyone else out there experience higher temps and sore boobs and bloating ALL MONTH while they were on clomid???

Irony...

The first rose of spring in my garden....
Happy Spring!



***This rose is brought to you by the worst, most angry, frustrating, irratating, most effed up, LOOOOOOONGEST week of my life!!!!! Oh... and of course AF.

Good news and Bad news....

OK.. the bad news first...
I am NOT pg... but we already knew that right? AF arrived on Sunday and I am now on cd 2. I will go back to the doctor in the next 3 days for a "clomid check" (Basically just get felt up for about 10 seconds and told... "feels normal". Back to clomid on Thursday and back to the TTCSex Fest on the 15th - 22nd. I am sad that there will be no 2005 baby in our home... but I have been so busy this week that I have hardly had time to think!

The good news...
My students advanced in their competition!!! So far we have beat out 4 different schools! And we will head to area competition on Saturday. They are so excited! They did really well and we won 6 acting awards including "Best Actor" for our leading man. I am very proud of them. We have all been working very hard for this since January and this group of students really deserve this. This week will be filled with rehearsals, laundry, dry cleaning, ordering buses and trucks, permission forms, figuring out where we will eat, figuring out our schedule... etc... In addition this week at school I need to vote on end of the year awards, order trophies, sell banquet tickets, get to the doctor, get to the laser place... and... oh yeah... teach my classes... whew....

That is it for now. Off to work to bask in the glory of our win!!!