A rant.

Have I told you lately how much infertility sucks?

Well.. add 5 more days to the "Math" post below and pour me a double vodka tonic with a double vodka tonic chaser and sit awhile.

68 days without a "real" period will do things to a girl... bad things... ugly things.

This is really starting to piss me off.

And how come I seem to be the only person on the planet who can be on Metformin for 18 months... have diarrhea everyday for 18 months... (18 effing MONTHS people) and still not lose weight or get pregnant????? Is that unbelievable or what? Just google Metformin and you will find story after story about people losing bazillions of pounds and getting pregnant on this wonderful miracle drug. Me?... nah. But I just keep taking the stuff because the side effects are so pleasent.

So... just in case you are checking back to see if my period has come...

No.

It.
has.
not.
come.

and I am becoming convinced that it never will.

But thanks for checking in.

Monday Morning...

Mr. D. and I had the most wonderful weekend. On Saturday we had breakfast at our favorite little French bistro and spent the morning shopping in a quaint little town nearby that has a great main street with lots of craft and antique shops. We stopped at coffee shops and strolled around all morning until it got to hot to be outside. We continued our shopping at a nearby mall and at Target... but we didn't by a thing except a few groceries and the coffee. That night we met our good friends C&L for dinner and a movie. We met at the Movie Tavern for appetizers, drinks and to see Little Miss Sunshine (so great... so charming... so heartwarming... and SOOOOO funny!!!) Then it was off to Carrabbas for a wonderful steak marsala dinner and then back to our house for dessert and coffee! It was so fun to have a double date-adults only night out with friends! We had a great time.

On Sunday Mr. D. and I decided to have a day-o-culture. We went into Ft Worth and visited our new Modern Art Museum... then we went for a great lunch at Cafe Express (after having to make an emergency stop for a coke because my blood suger plummeted and I almost passed out... thanks Metformin) . Then we went back over o the museum district and went to the Kimball Art Museum and the Amon Carter Museum. We had such a good time together acting silly and having fun in the museums! While we were there we had a huge thunder storm ( the flash flood kind that last for 20 minutes... but they really pour). It was the first real rain we have had in months!!! We sat in the museum surrounded by famous art and watched the storm through the floor to ceiling windows... it was beautiful. Then Mr. D. serenaded me with funny love songs from the 70's that refer to rain.."ooooooohhh I hear laughter in the rain... walking hand in hand with the one I loooooove". He totally cracks me up when he sings song from "before my time"... I always think he is making them up!!! Then back to Target for the groceries for the week to Ulta to pick up some hairspray and new lipstick... and them home to watch Big Brother and the Emmys.

It was such a fun weekend... we had a great time together... It just reminds me what a perfect match we are for each other.

In other news... nothing.. still waiting... but let's not talk about that.

Like I said... it was a wonderful weekend.

Math. (with little update)

Today I thought I would do the math...

My last "normal" period was June 20 that was 63 days ago.
My strange "sludge" period was July 26 that was 28 days ago.
I started provera on July 29 that was 26 days ago.
I finished provera on August 7 that was 17 days ago.
I was supposed to call the nurse if I hadn't started AF on August 22 that was 2 days ago.

So I figure if the "sludge" was a "real" period in disguise and if the provera didn't fuck things up worse than they already were... then another period should start in approximately 6 more days on or around what "should" be cd 34.

That is what I am waiting for.
I may break down and call the nurse... but I don't want anymore meds.

Boob pain is almost totally gone. Weight is still up by 4 pounds. Mood is "too busy to care".

See how much I don't care... I mean I am not even thinking about any of this.

I called the nurse and she got permission for me from the doctor to wait. I told her I might change my mind after another week or so... but for now I think my body is adjusting to the lack of fake-hormones and I just don't want to fuck up this "normal" feeling. She said to call her if I needed anything or when I finally do start my period... she also suggested that I "take a hpt... just in case"... bahhahahahahahahaha. She doesn't know that I haven''t had any sex since late JULY because of my fear of the provera!!! On that note I should mention that I did decide to give up my vow of provera induced celibacy last night... it just wasn't working out... thank god I am not a nun...I would be in big trouble this morning. (wink.)

Bright red... NOTHING!

Today is 2 weeks 1 day since I finished the provera... nothing.

I wore white pants today to work. Tempting fate. All women over the age of 13 know the "Curse of the White Pants." We all know that wearing white pants anywhere near that time of the month will cause your period to come... usually in a gush... causing mom to have to run up to school and bring you a change of clothes. It never fails... until today. I no longer believe in this curse... along with the several other myths I have given up on like "Go on vacation and you will get pregnant" and "Get drunk and you will get pregnant" and my personal favorite "Have unprotected sex and you will get pregnant". Lies.. all of them.

Today is the day I am supposed to call the nurse. Two weeks and 1 day. I am for sure not calling today. To busy... to angry.. to sad. After today it will be a day to day thing. I just can't bare the thought of introducing more chemicals to my body right now... I mean... eventually my period will start on its own right? As for my symptoms of missing AF/ PMS... the 5 pounds is still hanging on making it super horrifying to try to get dressed in the morning (or to walk by a mirror for that matter), since everything is a little to tight and I look puffy. The boob soreness has gone from a 10 to about a 6... only hurting if I poke them or run into something with them (easy to do... they are huge). And the other things I am feeling tend to be stomach-ish (heartburn... etc...). Oh yeah... and depression, hopelessness, tired, irritability. and a general pissed-at-the-world feeling. I will keep you posted on if and when I call the nurse. (sigh.)

OK... enough whining... time to either get on the ellipitical or eat something incredibly high in carbs and comforting... hmmmm... what will I do???

(hahahaha... I totally crack myself up.)

I told you so...

Dear Uterus,
What the fuck is your goddamn problem??? Why can't you do ANYTHING right??? I hate you Ute... you are such a big fat disappointment. (Ovaries... quit your laughing.... you bitches are on my shit list too... so I suggest you keep your fucking traps shut!)

Ok.. Ute... I don't really hate you.. I still think you have potential... it is not to late to redeem yourself by realizing it is really time to quit fucking around and do your job. I mean isn't 34 years enough party time? Isn't it time to grow up and fulfill your life's purpose? You are not getting any younger Ute... and if you don't wake up soon you might just miss the chance to carry a baby.. don't you want that? All the other Uteruses are doing it. Frankly... they are starting to talk about your lack of motivation... they think that you are a fuck up.

Ok... Please think about what I have said over the next 48 hours. And for the love of GOD... let's shed that old lining and get a whole new wardrobe for next month. We can start fresh Ute... it will be just like the old days... I promise. I love you Uttie-pie... I know that you can do this. ( And if you don't I see a nice big needle full of chemical d&c in your very near future and neither of us want that now do we?)

xxoo,
Jamie

I broke down and called the Nurse today. I woke up this morning with the WORST headache and general terrible PMS-ish feeling of nausea, cramping, and bloating. In my despair that the toilet paper is still lily white I decided I would make the dreaded call.

A Play in One Act:
ME: Yeah.. it has been 12 days since my last provera and nothing. I am sure it is totally nothing right? But.. I am getting a little worried.

NP: Well... sometimes it takes up to 2 whole weeks. In fact give it to 2 weeks one day, if nothing by Tuesday then call me back.

ME: (gulp) What does that mean?... I mean... if I don't start by then.

NP: Uhmmmm... let's not worry about that yet.

ME: (already way worried) Seriously... what if I don't start.

NP: Well... we may have to give you a little something else.

ME: No!!! I mean I can't... (almost in tears) Please... I have felt really bad these last 2 weeks... I mean this is really making my hormones crazy. I feel like a monster... No. More. Hormones.

NP: Then let's hope you get a *little blessing* this weekend.... but you have to call me on Tuesday if you don't start...

(aannnnd scene.)

I have to say NP was totally nice. And I really like her... but I feel like I am about to lose it now. And I can't imagine having to take "a little something else"... This is so not fair.

(*** Little blessing is only referring to AF... I have been way to worried about taking the provera and the possible side effect to an embryo to ttc this month... so go ahead and add celibacy to my long list of bitches... just call me Paris.)

nothing yet...

Day 11 after provera.... still nothing.

I am sure you are wondering if I have called my nurse... the answer is no. I know that she would want me to come in and probably do another u/s to see what is going on.... but I am so disillusioned with all of this and I really don't feel like spending another $100 for her to tell me to keep waiting. I will probably call on Monday if I still haven't started. I am in one of my "infertility holes" right now... I am so pissed off, so bitter, so irritated that this is happening to me when about a zillion other people have no trouble at all conceiving and carrying a child. And whenever I fall into one of these holes I have two choices... (A) shut down and get mucho depressed and weepy and feel sorry for myself or (B) Get angry and try to ignore it all and go on with my life. This week I am much to busy to fall apart... so I am ignoring it.

I am still having breast pain... but it has eased off a bit. And the bloating is a little better too... 1.5 of the mystery pounds have disappeared... so I am thankful for that.

I also have an infected toe from my recent pedicure. I am watching it carefully so please spare me the "death-by-pedicure" stories. I am soaking it in Epsome salts and keeping it clean with neosporin... and trying to limit the poking and pushing since last time I did that green puss oozed out. Dn't worry.. Mr. D. will force me to go to the doctor if it gets much worse. Can't an infertile girl even get a fucking pedicure to try to relax???? Jeez.

Reality TV is keeping me company when Mr. D. is at his show. Hell's Kitchen is over... I was really rooting for the girl who came in 2nd (why can't I remember her name???), Big Brother is always super-fun and Will is by far my favorite, Project Runway disappointed me this week... Vincent has GOT to go!!! And I felt sorry for the girl that went because I think her outfit was sort of cute and everyone's favorite Kaine's dress made the model look waaay fatter and he slid by... not far... Crazy Vincent may be good TV... but his designs suck every week... GET HIM OUT!!

But my favorite show this week has been RESCUE ME.. I just looooove that show! If you are not watching is is definitely one to get the dvd the first 3 seasons and catch up on this fall while it is off air.

That's it... just wanted you to have an update on my boring non-bloody life.

Still hurting...

Day 8 after provera... still nothing.

The 5.5 mystery pounds are still settled in my gut and breasts... I don't mean to complain... but jeez... I am seriously miserable. My nips are so sore that the sheet over me at night feels like a razor blade on them... and they sort of look swollen too (the actual nipple)... This bloating is making me so irratable... because of how bad it hurts... both my tummy and breasts are like bricks. Something has got to give soon or I fear I will explode from the gut out just like in Alien. Please tell me that this will end... and pronto. I have never missed AF so much in my life...

School started without much fanfare. My classes are large but that is ok... they seem great. I just wish that I physically felt better these first couple of days. Today is day two... which is always better than day one because there is less of all the administrative bs paperwork. The kids actually seemed excited to be back and to get back in the swing of school and our theatre department. So that makes me happy.

Ms. new teacher is doing a nice job. She seems to have control of her classes and is willing to help me. She only had one problem with a extremely disruptive football playing senior who refused to participate, wouldn't take off his sunglasses, had headphones on in class, and kept obnoxiously singing when she was trying to address the class. I made a call to his coach... who was not surprised and who was having MAJOR trouble with this young man himself... then together the coach and I called the counselor and the troublemaker was quickly removed from her class permanently. He didn't need her class for graduation and everyone agreed with me that she shouldn't have to put up with that... especially on the first day from a senior who didn't need the class. When I told Ms. New Teacher that I got him out.. she was stunned. She had never had that sort of support from and co-teacher or an administrative staff. She seemed elated and very impressed... I didn't tell her that I was sort of shocked too. Everything just fell into place and I got to be hero... which is good for me as a boss on the first day. So... lesson to kids... don't mess with a teacher bloated and in pain from provera... or you might just get a surprise schedule change that will make your head spin.

I left school at 5:15 and she was still there working on a spreadsheet for me that she noticed would make my life easier... Excel ain't my friend. So... I think we might just be a good team.

Today is the 2nd day... hopefully things will just keep getting better.

Big tummy pain...

I took my last provera 5 days ago and.... NOTHING.

I have not started a period... and I am getting really pissed about it. My stomach is sore and bloated... my breasts feel like rocks and hurt like hell and I am 5.5 pounds heavier than I was this time last friggin week.

I swear I think something is really fucked up here.

I have never had trouble starting my period before and I think the brown sludge was just a side effect from the clomid... but I can tell you one thing... I will never take provera again. Never.

I am so pissed off about the weight thing... maybe it is PMS and the gullywasher will come tomorrow.

I feel like I could burst into tears... or pinch someone's head off right now.

ugggghhhh. (sigh.)

A Public Service Announcement

I just had to post to link you to this GREAT article on the RESOLVE website titled Infertility Etiquette. I wish I had the nerve to hand this article to every single family member I have... to every friend who I know... and to all the assholes at work who keep asking this almost-35-year -old-married-woman-who-loves-kids-enough-to-become-a-teacher "Hey... why don't you have kids???"

Please read this article... it is long... but keep reading... especially if you are not infertile. Please read this and take the time to understand what it is like to have a medical condition that most people fail to recognize as a real problem. Please pass this link on to others so they can learn to be more sensitive to infertility. I just can't tell you how I wish I could just anonymously copy this link to every person in my email address book... except... I am probably the only infertile most of them know... so much for being anonymous.

You know... sometimes I don't know which is worse... the friend and family who asks or says things that are insensitive... or those that just don't ask anymore. Honestly... after four and a half years of trying... most of the people closest to me (my Dad... my brother... my in-laws... many of my friends) just never mention the big pink elephant in the room. It is rare for someone to acknowledge the pain that I feel about not having a baby... and that is lonely place to be.

When someone does ask... and really cares... it is so emotional for me... I just am so grateful to know that someone cares about my feelings and isn't afraid to talk about and support me with something that both of us may feel uncomfortable with.

So for all you "just relax'ers", "just adopt'ers", and "well at least you can ____ 'ers" please read this article. It will help you know what to say so you spare our feelings... It will help you know why our pain is so deep... And, most importantly, it will help you be supportive in an awkward conversation... because what we infertiles really need is to be able to talk openly to you about this.

Provera watch.. nothing.

Day 1 after 10 days of provera. Still no period. (I know that everyone says that it will come about 3-5 days after finishing this med... but I am doubtful.) This morning I am feeling some cramps ( and I do feel really bloated... like 3 pounds... please disappear when this period starts!!!) My mom (who is a retired RN) is calling me each day going "Hoooow arrre yoooou?" (translation = "Have you started you period yet?") She knows I am not pg right??? She asks it with such hope each day... and I answer "nope." Yesterday she said I'd better "expect a gullywasher". WTF is a gullywasher??? I think I have an idea... and believe me I don't even want to think about that. Jeez.

Planning for school is great. Today I have a huge workshop planned with a MAJOR acting coach in our area. I have 35 kids coming to work with him... I am super excited about it!

Had a lovely dinner with friends C & L last night. It was great. They brought there two girls and the 3 year old kept us running all night... when someone tells you that they have a very "busy" three year old believe them... and make sure to clean out all your drawers before the come over! It was so cute how she kept getting into everything! Mr. D. was so funny trying to keep her occupied! But they are great parents and very attentive to where their kids are and what they are into... so I had no worries. At the end of the night the 3 year old fell asleep in my arms (at 10:45!!!!!) It was so sweet.

I heard on the radio that Tom and Katie will be realeasing pictures of there "alledged" daughter Suri "soon". I guess as soon as the auditions are over... We'll see. Does anyone really still care? Isn't it over? I can't wait to hear how much $$$ they get... but I am sure that the Shiloh pics will kick her ass. Missed. the. Boat.

OK... Off to school. I think I may be feeling crampy this am. But it could just be that it is 7 am and I am not used to getting up this early yet.

What's for dinner???

Does anyone else out there do Super Suppers?
It is the greatest invention EVER!

Today while Mr. D. was at rehearsal my brother J. and I went to a Super Suppers menu tasting... yum... and then I made 6 "meals". For those of you that don't know Super Suppers one "meal"feeds 6 people! So Mr.D. and I divide our meals into thirds when we put them together. So for us 6 meals = 18 meals for two!!! So cool! We have done it several times and it is super fun... This time I sent my brother home will several meals to try. Today I made 3 meals of "heavenly chicken"... that feeds 18 people.. so I sent 2 home with J. and kept the rest because I am planning 2 dinner parties in the very near future. Heavenly chicken is out favorite because it is a breaded chicken breast with spinach, ham, and Parmesan cheese and since they have different menus each month we stock up when this one comes along. I also made 1 "meal" of chicken veggie tacos... (2 meals for us and 1 for J.) and 1 "meal" of fried rice dish with veggies and diced pork (3 meals for us), and 1 "meal" of deep dish apple cranberry pie... (This 1 "meal" made 2 whole pies.. one for us and one for J.)

So my freezer is packed and all of this food cost me $115! Can you believe that??? That is 36 servings of food... that comes out to $3.16 per serving! Pretty good huh? They also sell side dishes but I will make my own for the heavenly chicken dinner parties... and the chicken taco's and fried rice dishes really don't need sides... especially if it is just Mr. D. and me!

Anyway... that's the exciting news here... My brother actually thought that I was sort of crazy being so excited about cooking... he said I sounded like an old lady... but he changed his tune once we got there and he even admitted that it was fun. And we got to spend time together for about 2 hour.. which is about all the time we can spend together before arguing... so this was the perfect activity for us!

Ok.. that is it for now.
Still taking provera... still nothing... hopefully we will have some action next week.

*** By the way... this is not a commercial for Super Suppers... I don't own stock in them or anything. But for a total non-cook to be able to "make" all these "homemade" dinners.. well that is big. Plus it is cheap for great food with no crappy additives and preservatives! AND it is a GREAT thing to know about at the holidays if you get stuck hosting the entire family! Ok.. I'll stop now... jeez... maybe I am a boring old lady!

BTS...

It is 7:04 am and I have to be at work in an hour for BTS meetings.

Back.
to.
School.

It is August 4th.
Friggin Texas.

Classes officially start August 14th... with boring meetings each day until then.

(They did give us a big raise this year (well.. big for teachers... a little over 8%) so that is something to be happy about.

Still not bleeding.
Stupid Provera.
I still have 4 pills left...

I want to go back to bed... but instead I have to blow dry my and curl my hair... it is going to be 101 degrees today... my hair is probably not going to make it to 10 am.

I miss vacation.