Massage...

I have only cried twice on the massage table. And I have had quite a few massages... not because I am rich and luxurious.. but because I carry all my stress in my neck and shoulders and most people who love me (including my students) know it and get me gift certificates for every holiday.

The first time I cried on the massage table I was 24... and in the thick of my separation from Beetlejuice. It was late springtime and I was living with my Dad. I had a horrible phone call with Beetlejuice that day and I begged... yes begged... him to take me back. Looking back I was in a BAAAAD place... and I was so desperate, so sad, so mortified that my husband was cheating on me that I actually begged that scum bag to take ME back. The entire call probably lasted 15 minutes and took place in my parents backyard by the pool. It started out with my normal "I miss you... Why can't we work this out?" and progressed quickly to him telling me that he didn't love me anymore and that he was enjoying his new found bachlelordom... Realizing that he was having a swell old time while I was sinking further and further into depression and slipping in to the unthinkable world of divorce and a failed marriage at 24 put me over the edge. Along with the screaming and crying and begging... I actually thought that I might die. I literally felt like my heart was so broken and smashed that I might just fall to me knees and fade away... just disappear. I felt like a piece a garbage that he had simply crumpled up and tossed aside.

I felt like I wanted to die... not in the dramatic "pull the trigger" kind of way but in a "this pain is never going to stop and there is no way to get out of this mess" kind of way. When I hysterically told Beetlejuice that I thought I was going to die (not kill myself... I just said I thought I was going to die)... he said "look... I don't really care what you do... I have a show in an hour..." and hung up. At that brief moment, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted the sheer revenge of having him know that those were his last words to me... I wanted to cause him pain that would haunt him for the rest of his life. I spent the day alone sobbing and sleeping on and off... every time I woke up the pain of the words that he said (and the fact that he never even called back to check on me) would slam into to me.. crushing me more.

That afternoon was a turning point in my separation to Beetlejuice. I took the phone book and found a place that would give me an hour massage for $50...I should mention here that I didn't have $50... I didn't even have a JOB... and I knew that the check would bounce like a hot potato... but I didn't care. I told myself that there were two options... (1) get a massage and try to calm down... or (2) find a bus and throw myself under it.

I was a wreck when I reached the little massage "spa"... (I have since been to several spas and this... was no spa... this was more of a shack. ) But my lady was a young sweet black woman who asked me how she could help me today... I let my story spill out and told her what had happened that day. She just let me cry the whole time as went through her massage routine... trying to help me relax. She told me that she had been through a divorce too and that you think you won't make it through... that you will never be able to untangle yourself from this mess... but in time you do and your life goes right back on course. She patted and rubbed my back as if she were soothing a crying infant and just kept whispering "it will all work out." I have often thought of her kindness to me...

After that day, things did slowly start to turn around... over the next 3 months... I got a job, realized that I had lost 15 pounds, got really "fun and cute" and started enjoying MY new found freedom. Eventually Beetlejuice started coming around which lead to a depression rebound... since NOW he was very interested in dating his wife and going to marriage counseling at the same time he was dating other girls... But after that horrible and lonely summer of "finding" myself... I met Mr. D. (That is another looooong story... that will have to wait.)

So.. that is the story of the first time I cried on a massage table...

The second was yesterday...

I am sure you all know the pain and stress that miscarriages and ttc can bring to you. And this whole Christmas break has been almost more than I felt I could take. It started out with a cold and a headache 2 weeks ago and hasn't let up since. My shoulders and head are constantly aching and I just can't seem to "let go" of the stress, or depression, or anger or whatever it is.... Over the two weeks I have tried hot baths, yoga, pilates, meditation, prayer, and every over the counter medication I can try including tequila and red wine to easy the tension but nothing works. This time I don't feel like a crumpled up piece of garbage that Beetlejuice tossed out... This time I feel like I am crumpling from the inside out...

My massage yesterday started with a breakdown... (now typical in the first 5 days of starting my period...) My neck and back were hurting so bad that walking around or just riding in the car caused pain that brought me to tears. Mr. D rubbed my back with stinky old lady back cream and got me set up with a heating pad, 3 ibuprofen, and 2 shots of tequila... I relaxed enough to read and sleep a little but this was like the 10th day in a row that I ending up sitting on the sofa... teary... like a ragdoll. I feel like I have wasted what could have been a "happy vacation holiday time with my wonderful husband" to feel sorry for myself because I don't know how to relax and let go of the crap that is causing all this emotional and physical pain.

When I got to the spa (I have now graduated to only real spas) I talked to Lisa... a tiny sweet girl that looks EXACTLY one of Mr. D.'s pretty ex-girlfriends... which is sort of weird... I briefly told her about the pains and the stress and that I recently had 2 m/c's... (strange how that always eventually pours out of my mouth like vomit...) She was very sweet and left for me to get undressed... I lay on the table and realized that it even hurt to lay face up on the massage table... (that is how tight my shoulder muscles are..) And as Lisa entered the room... the tears started again... She was very quiet and soothing... as she offered me a tissue and started my massage. I suddenly felt reminded of the last time I felt hot tears rolling from my eyes down the sides of my face and into my ears... the ultra sound table... it was the same kind of cry... dark room, clothes in a heap on a chair, and trying hard not to cry out loud so not to make the other person uncomfortable... at least this time there was soft music...

After my massage I felt better. I looked like shit.... my face all puffy... as I paid Lisa gave me a quiet hug and whispered "take care of yourself..." I hope didn't make her feel to weird... I am not sure if they teach you how to handle a crying recurrent miscarrier on your massage table at massage school... but if they don't then Lisa has good instincts.

I cried a lot in the car on the way home. I am still in the begging phase....

"Please God... take this pain away... please let me feel normal... please let me be a good wife and get over this before Mr. D. can't take it anymore... Please God... I get it... ok.. I don't get it... but I am trying... Please... cut me a little slack here..."

Notice that I didn't pray for a baby. I just want to feel like plain old me again... and the last time I remember feeling like that was last Valentine's Day.

Dreams and other Nonsense...

Last night I had a dream about my ex-husband, Beetlejuice. We have been divorced for 9 years and I have been with Mr. D almost ever since. But every one in a while... he still creeps into my dreams and torments me from afar. The dream was very simple... we were getting married... but it was like a show of some kind because we were getting married 8X a week with matinee's on Saturday and Sunday! Weird huh??? I remember people all being crammed in the house and bitching between performances about our work conditions. And I remember being sort of sad that I had to marry Beetlejuice over and over again... since I hate his guts. My boss was there... crying about his life (so strange since I can't stand this guy either!) Anyway... that was it... the entire dream ... having to marry my ex over and over again... and being darn pissed off about it. Weird.

For you dream analyzers out there there are a couple of thing you should know that make it fairly easy to understand why I had this dream...
1. Mr. D. and I just celebrated our 3rd anniversary... so wedding stuff has been on my mind.
2. I am reading this book (THE SINNER by Tess Gerritsen) where the ex-husband comes back and seduces the lead character.
3. My ex is also an actor... and we did do shows together in the long forgotton past.

So it is easy to see how my jangled little mind can start putting all this info together and ends up making a crappy Beetlejuice dream.

(By the way... The SINNER is a gory book... it is about a serial killer and the heroine is a tough medical examiner out to find out why he kills a bunch of people including a nun... So I thought it would be a safe read... nothing sappy to fuel my "baby making" depression.... then all of a sudden we find out the nun had given birth to a deformed mystery baby while she was alone in the convent... THEN... she threw the baby in the duck pond... (ok... not the best read for a person struggling with infertility... ) THEN... the second banana "tough woman cop" character starts being nauseous all the time and puking at the grizzly crime scenes... guess who is knocked up and (of course) doesn't want to be... Then the main girl starts fooling around with her ex!!!! Uhm... I just wanted a "light" read about a mysterious nun killer... and I get THIS????? Gah...

Anyway... I guess all the "stuff" is seeping into my brain and making me have weird dreams... I hate dreaming about Beetlejuice... I always wake up in a rotten mood.

On to more interesting things.... Today I am spending $350 on laser hair removal (that is the 1/2 off December special so this stuff ain't cheap!)... I am tired of plucking the hairs on my chinny chin chin and the fuzz on my upper lip so I am going to get them zapped off by a laser... My package is a 6 zap package and can be suspended if I get pg... I plan to get zapped ever single month after my BFN's!!!! I'll let you know how it goes and if it works... This is the laser hair removal place that is attached to my RE's office (he owns both)... I figure I may not like him as an RE... but I might just like the aesthetition who works for him... Maybe I will set up another follicle monitoring session while I am there... and maybe I won't.

Oh...on the blood front... still not that much. Fertility Friend counts spotting as cd 1... so they "say" I am on cd 3. I am having a very light period... very similar to when I was on the pill... this is so different from the last few very heavy periods that I have had... Does anyone out there think this is cause for alarm? Again... I thought progesterone made your AF very heavy and my friend Kath assures me that is true... so what is going on??? Anyway... that is my body for you... doing EXACTLY the opposite of what everyone else's does...

Last night on CSI:Miami the story was about a woman who was (guess what???) pregnant and murdered... The medical examininer ordered an hcg STAT... (hello... she is dead) Her hcg level was 90,000 and the medicial examiner estimated that she was 7 weeks pregnant.... um... At 6 weeks my hcg levels were around 800... It sucks to know so much and to start doing hcg doubling math in my head during a friggin TV show... How come even the dead girl on CSI:Miami could get pregnant with a (seemingly) very healthy pregnancy???? And WHY do they have to bring up her stupid crazy healthy HCG numbers?????? Most people probably had no idea WTF they were talking about... me... I knew.

Oh... one more thing... is anyone there??? I have the feeling that I am boring the internet into silence.

WTF???

I actually felt so yucky yesterday on Christmas... I actually thought I might be pregnant... I was dizzy, nauseous, and had the worst headache ever...

Needless to say... I am not pregnant... This must just be AF's way of torturing me... Could these symptoms be a side effects from stopping the progesterone 3 days ago??? I felt SO bad yesterday that I actually used another prometrium... (after having stopped for a day and a half)because I got panicked that I was indeed pregnant.... I am probably confusing my body like crazy right now... After the one dose yesterday and another BFN this afternoon... I am off the vag. pills. Now.... AF... just fricken SHOW UP!!!!!

AF is starting with a drizzle instead of a gush... Yesterday... while I was feeling so bad I had just the slightest brown sludge... I PRAYED for a Christmas miracle and REALLY late implatation bleeding... but today I am still BFN with just this brown ooze... Again I ask... is this a progesterone side effect??? I thought it made you bleed more??? I have still not bothered to use anything more than a panty liner... So is this cd1 or cd 34???? Now my body is so effed up that I don't even know when (if) I am having a period!!!!

Despite feeling bad... Christmas was pleasant. I received lots of wonderful gifts both on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, layed around in my p.j.'s with Mr. D. and my brother all afternoon eating sweets and watching the Disney Christmas Parade, and then in the evening we had a nice time (even with the headache from hell) visiting with Mr. D's family... no one said anything stupid or made me cry... so that alone made it a good day.

OK... prometrium junkies... I need the advice on this weird AF thing... Uhm... WTF?????

1. Are these symptoms side effects of stopping progesterone??? (headache, dizzy, nauseous, feeling like you are going to snap someone's head off, eating all the Christmas cookies, and brown sludge)

2. What cd am I on??? Christmas Day I had very little spotting... today slightly more... (no tampons used yet)

Thanks girls... I am off to eat some nacho's at Don Pablos... yum.

Christmas Eve

I took my last hpt of the month yesterday morning on my 3rd wedding anniversary... At cd 31... it was still a big fat negative... I stopped progestrone last night and now I am wondering how long I will have to wait until AF???

We had the most lovely anniversary... we woke up and I "forced" Mr. D. to watch our wedding video (which is just beautiful) He hates to see himself on camera (I know... he is an ACTOR... but sometimes we just have to let them be weird...) The video is so Christmas-y and it is fun to see all the friends and family that were there on our special day... There are so many montages set to music and the video really helps me remember how special our wedding was... I wish you could see it...

After running to the (crazy busy) mall and picking up the last minute gifts and then a nap in the afternoon... we went to a GREAT dinner at PF Changs. OMG! It was so good! We had crispy honey chicken and Mongolian beef and lots of sake (sp???)... but the the best part was... The macadamien nut pie with coconut ice cream... (This dessert is not on the menu... it is like a secret... you have to "know" about it and order it on the sly). Our waiter was great and ended up comp-ing the dessert and coffee as an anniversary gift! Then we spent the rest of the evening driving around looking at Christmas lights. So romantic... I love just spending time with Mr. D... I am so blessed.

So... Today is Christmas Eve... On my plan today is to pay bills (ick!!!), color my hair (so no one mentions the grey at Mr. D's family Christmas tomorrow... he has this total asshole brother in law that TOTALLY would mention it if he had the opportunity...) clean the house for guests tomorrow (just my Dad and my brother... but they do deserve a clean bathroom...) go to the neighbors for an "open house" (these are the neighbors that talk a LOT... so we will have to be tricky and only stay a little while...) and then go to my aunts house for Christmas Even tradition of home made pizza. We will probably be there very late because this part of my family loves to play silly board games.... I think it will be fun.

I hope all of you out there in Blogland have a safe and happy Christmas. I am praying for a better 2005 and that by next Christmas we are all holding our sweet little miracle babies.

Sleep in Heavenly Peace,
Jamie

Waiting 'til Christmas Eve....

I am 15-17 dpo today... and today is day 11 of the progesterone.

I talked to the nurse today and asked when I should stop taking progesterone... She said it was a little early for pregnancy tests. (what???... she is so sweet and hopeful.... she doesn't realizes that she is talking to a woman with a Phd in Advanced Prenatal Medicine from the University of Google) She suggested that I take another HPT Christmas Eve and reminded me to "make sure I use the first morning urine. (Hello... I am a HPT whore.. I think I know how to do it...) That will be 19 - 21 dpo...
However... take a look at the chart called "EARLY HCG LEVELS AND OUTCOME". (http://ivfer.com/hcg.htm)

I know that I do not have a very good change of a healthy pregnancy if I am pregnant and all signs point to the cold hard fact that I am not... and with my first two pregnancies I did not get at positive HPT until 18dpo... so my chances started out grim then to.

I told the nurse I wanted to do another follicle monitoring month and see if we can see mature follicles this month... After that... Mr. D. and I will discuss Clomid... We have decided against a laperoscopy for the time being... If this doctor is not supportive then I will be going to yet another RE until I find one I completely trust.

Other than that...
House guests... gone
cold... still stuffy
shopping... 5 gifts to buy
anniversary... still unplanned
school... OUT!
mood... ok... not "merry and bright"... but ok...
Christmas... blah

Dec. 19, 2004

Got another BFN yesterday... this time at 13-15 dpo... I guess this isn't our month...

I am ok...

I just don't feel like talking about it.

House guests.. day 7

My cold has moved out of my throat and in to my head and chest... despite the congestion (which makes it hard to sleep) I am feeling much better.

Our house guest moved out on Wednesday morning only to move back in Wednesday night... This money pit house seems to have a never ending list of things wrong with it... Now (on the coldest nights that were have had so far) the heater gave out. So they have to replace the entire heating/ cooling system. They will be here until at least Friday which will be 8 nights. They are so sweet and very appreciative... it is just weird having a whole other family in your space. The last two nights because I was feeling bad I really just wanted to veg and watch TV... but I ended up sitting and visiting with M and the boys... while A. went out and played basketball. Why is he out playing basketball when his new home is un-live-able... I don't know and neither does M. I guess it is a guy thing... but I tell you what... M. doesn't EVER seem to get a break without the kids. I seems like a very "uneven relationship". But... I don't say anything....

Mr. D. mentioned to me that he doesn't like the way they talk to each other... It is just so short and edgy... It sounds like some bad episode of Home Improvement or All In The Family... Very macho and "male dominated" and Mr. D. and I just have a much different relationship. In fact... if someone spoke to me the way A. talks to M... I would probably leave. Mr. D . and I just don't talk to each other in a harsh or sarcastic tone... our home is a very peaceful place... Don't get me wrong... we argue... but just not constant low grade bickering... I really believe what Maya Angelou says "You teach people how to treat you." I think that Mr. D. and I just have a mutual respect that doesn't cross these boundaries. I am rambling... Blah blah blah....

I still need to do a lot of shopping before Saturday when we have Christmas at my Dad's house.

Today is cd 24... I am somewhere between 10-13 dpo... I still haven't bought anymore tests... how long do you think I can hold out? Preg symptoms: sore boobs (prometrium), congestion (cold), and... um... well that is it... which is one more reason I don't think I am pg...

BFN... duh... I never learn...

Tested this AM... BFN.

Today is somewhere between 7 (good healthy ovulation... ) and 10 (bad 14mm follicle ovulation)... I had one test in the house... don't know why I tested... I don't think that I will buy anymore tests... (unless I start feeling pukey)... I am on prometrium so there is no reason to test early... if I am pregnant there will be nothing else they can do (except Hcg which I hate because they always give BAD news) until they can give me an u/s at 5 weeks.... so there is no reason to test at all... plus I don't feel even one tiny bit pregnant... even with the prometrium.

Woke up with a sore throat this morning... dosed up on Advil Cold and Sinus and I am hoping that it goes away and doesn't get worse... uuuugggghhh.

Our Theatre Department Holiday party is tonight... it will be a lot of fun (and a lot of work...) The kids always get so hyper (even for high school aged...) I am looking forward to it and hope that I feel good and energetic tonight.

I didn't mention this but we have had houseguests for 4 nights... It is my friend M. (the one that took my baby name and used it and the one that was there when I feel apart in the movie theatre last month) her husband A. and their two kids T. and Greyson ages 18 months and 6 months). It is nice and tough having two babies in the house... They don't have a lot of toys here so it is becoming more difficult each day keeping them occupied. They bought a new house and because of MAJOR closing problems they were not able to get in and do some renovations to make it livable before they had to get out of the old house...(Like laying hardwood floors, painting, tiling the bathrooms.... etc... to me it sounds like they bought a TOTAL money pit... M. hates the house and they are having A LOT of issues fixing it up.)

I think they will be here one more night... But it is getting a little old having people here all the time (even though they are very gracious house guests.) So far... they have started several projects in the house... but nothing is getting finished. I offered for them so stay here as long as they need to (I thought it would be a couple of days) but it is weird because they are not hiring babysitters during the day when they are at the house working... so really A. works and M. has to take care of the boys... I am not sure why they are not getting help (they have the $$$ to pay a kid to sit there and play with the boys while they work...) Mr D. is in a show and getting home very late at night and then waking up to crying each morning.... I know we want children (BAD) but it is different when it is someone elses kids... Anyway... I really hope that this house works out for them... and I really hope they get out of my house before Mr. D. gets to the end of his patience rope.

BFN...
Sore Throat...
Party Tonight...
Houseguests...
Hubby working late...
Waking up to other peoples crying babies...
=
Not the best situation...

Random Ketchup...

Had a very busy weekend... So far so good with the prometrium... I have actually been in a fairly good mood... feeling very even. After the first day I did stock up on panty liners. Thanks for all the important info you guys left me... especially Kath... If you haven't read her information about "pesseries" it is really informative.

My students had a great performances this week! We sold out 5 consecutive shows! I was very proud of them and of Mr. Good Teacher for directing such a successful show. This week we have the holiday party on Tuesday and a BIG teacher appreciation breakfast on Friday morning that the theatre department hosts... after that... I am off until January 4th! YAY!

Went Christmas shopping yesterday afternoon... I still need about 10 more gifts... mostly for Mr. D.... I will probably get that out of the way this week or on Saturday before we have Christmas with my Dad and his "other" family on Saturday.

Got a massage yesterday... SOOOOOO good... The girl said I was so "crunchy" in the shoulder area ( wanting a baby will do that I guess)... she also said that I probably needed 2 more hours of massage for her to get all the knots out... I know she is right. This morning my shoulder actually feel sore and bruised from her trying to get the "crunchies"... I need to drink more water and get back to yoga... a lose weight... and... oh well... forget it....

I am on cd 21... the prometrium boob soreness has kicked in. So far I am not feeling anything else like I might be pregnant. I don't think this is going to be our month. I think I will ask to do the follicle monitoring again next month and try to see if I do get a mature 18mm follicle during the month of January... if not then maybe clomid... but I think I want to wait and try for a year before we even think about a lap or IUI. Since I have a prescription for prometrium for about 6 months.. I think after the holidays and one more month of folly monitoring I may try another doctor.

Trying to decide when I will test... I think I will try to wait until Saturday. I am not looking forward to a BFN right before the holidays... or getting a BFP and scrambling to get 2 hcg's and being paranoid about the results... Hmmmm... how long can I ignore it???

You want me to put it where????

Just got my Progesterone blood work results and I am REALLY Low (2.4 on cd 16 - my RE wants to see 20)... This could be the reason for the 2 miscarriages... to bad it took 10 months and 2 m/c to get a doctor to run this frigging test!

Anyway... He prescribed 200 MG of ORAL Prometrium to be taken 2 times a day... VAGINALLY... Has anyone had a doctor prescribe the oral meds but tell you to take them vaginally? (I am nervous because I am not sure my vagina knows how to swallow...) My RE says he does it all the time because it goes exactly where they want it and faster... but why not do a cream? (Maybe this is less messy and stays in you better???) I guess I just stick one of the capsules up there tonight and go to bed... But I am a little worried about the morning ones... I don't want it to fall out (and I don't want to walk around all day with a clenched vag...) I think I am getting WAY to used to foreign things being stuck up there...

Just wondering if anyone else has heard of this method... or if my doctor is, indeed, insane.

Uhm... I have also heard about either very GOOD side effects... increase libido, losing weight, better moods... or very BAD side effects... Irritable, moody, and turning into a raging bitch (which I already am so to magnify that would be really dangerous...) So truthfully... what should I expect??? Do I need to warn Mr. D.???

We are finally actually doing some problem solving here... so that is exciting... To bad it took 10 months to get the fucking ball rolling....

I got Good News and Bad News... which do you want first?

First the Good News..
All tests came back normal...
For those of you with medical degrees from the University of Google... Here are the highlights...

Metabolic Profile: normal
Lipid Panel: normal
cholesterol: 187
FSH: 3.3
Prolactin: 9.1
TSH: 0.7
Testosterone: 3.23
Here is the wierdest...
ANTICARDIOLIPIDS: >7... That is normal... normal.. nothing wrong... We are chalking up the whole past 3 months (Lupus scare... being told I need hepirin & blood thinners...) to:
A - Bad lab work
B - Some "transient thing" my body was going through at the time of the first test... probably the miscarriage.

OK.. NOW... the Bad News...
(I TOTALLY need opinions on this one... I know what my gut says... but I need your advice.)

I think I have to fire this new doctor...

After telling me that everything so far looks normal and good he told me I need to schedule a laperoscopy to check for endometriosis... I have no reason at all to think that I have endometriosis... including being "infertile" because I have been pregnant twice in the last year.
I am starting to suspect that my new doctor just wants to test for everything... whetcher I need it or not...

After I told him I was not really up for this surgery... He said then I needed to start IUI's or IVF... That is when I got really freaked out... WHY? Why do I need help... I have done OK with the getting pregnant part... and IUI or IVF don't keep you from miscarrying... The doctor said that it could help make sure I had "better quality" eggs... Well how do we know I have "bad" eggs??? When I asked that this is the info he gave me...

At my last appt. my follicle measure 14mm on cd 11... A healthy mature follicle would grow to 18mm and then spit out the egg... well today there was no follicle... that means that I ovulated sometime between Friday and today. So... either my follicle matured normally and popped right on schedule and my eggs are ripe.. or it didn't grow anymore and released a puny egg... BUT... my point is... we don't know... because cd12&13 were on the weekend and today is cd15 and I already "o'ed". So it seems a little drastic to suggest surgery, IUI, and IVF without the total picture... especially when we know I can conceive on my own.

I guess I wish he would have been more positive about my "normalness" and suggest that we try on our own for a few months and see what happens. And then... if we are not pregnant or think we need help conceiving that these things would be the next step. Instead, he was ready to book my laperoscopy for next week and then was ready to talk about the IUI and IVF packages.. since my insurance doesn't cover either. I immediately was put off... I just felt that this was "not good". I just feel it in my gut. I feel suspicious. I feel like he just might want my money and order test after test or procedure after procedure. My original goal was to find out why I have had 2 miscarriages... and not we are looking at infertility treatments... Am I being silly or does this sound weird to you? I just don't know...

I hate to think of starting all over with a THIRD doctor... But I don't want to ignore and "red flags" and regret it later. My pregnant neighbor H. LOVES her RE and suggested that I see him. My other friend M. had a great OB/GYN that she LOVES and says I should go to her. Do you think I am being neurotic??? Am I acting like a crazy women changing doctors every three months???

I don't think I have endometriosis... but I don't know enough about it to know if it can cause miscarriages... I really don't understand why he would suspect it...

I don't want to have an exploratory surgery... especially when I have no symptoms of endometriosis that I know of... it is risky... something could go wrong... and what if it is one more test that "rules something out"... and I am stuck with the costly bills for a surgery I didn't need?

I don't think I am ready for IUI... I want to try to conceive on my own for a few months first... again... Conceiving hasn't been the issue since we figured out I "O" on day 13 and not day 16 or 17 like my previous doctor thought.

I think I am FAR away from IVF... I am 33... I have conceived twice... why could I start on this EXPENSIVE road unless it was a last resort?


Uggghhh... please... I am calling out to all ladies who have been or who are in my shoes... Does all this should reasonable to you? Should I search for a new doctor? Or am I in denial about a possible condition that I should be tested for?

Please help me figure this one out...
I really don't know what to do...

Does this ice cream make me look fat?

Can someone PUH-LEESE tell my wonderful Mr. D. to stop buying me "surprise" pints of my FAV-O-RITE rocky road ice cream???

I love him... but I swear... I WILL eat it...
I. WILL. EAT. IT. ALL.
Every time.
In one sitting...
And then, I will blame my hubby... that I am sick from to much ice cream...
... and fat.

(Have I told you lately that I have the best hubby in the world???)

AND... my second surprise of the day... We have DSL now!!! (Mr. D is so cute... he made a big deal out of surprising me with it!!!) YAY! No more dial up! YAY! faster blogging!!! YAY! No more getting kicked off the internet!!!)

NO TTCSex last night... I was asleep by 9:00 PM... (So hopefully cd12 & 13 will be enough...)

Will update about my RE visit this afternoon... here's hoping the egg popped out and is floating through the tubes right now flirting with some 2 day old sperm....

In which we discuss TTCSex...

Back from my 2 day "Sex Fest"... well if your definition of "Sex Fest" is having sex 2 whole days in a row. (OK... I know that is a bit of a disappointment...) My Mr. D. and I are both in rehearsals for 2 different shows that open this week and we are both on completely different schedules... not to mention exhausted. But we did TTC on Saturday and Sunday... and maybe tonight IF he gets home before I am dead asleep... (my rehearsal goes until 8... his goes until 11:30....)

I will go back to the RE on Tuesday to make sure that I did pop out an egg over the weekend and that the ovaries are still "normal" looking.

Hey.. a question... Don't you hate it when sex feels like one more thing to "have" to do???? I am actually beginning to dislike the TTCSex... I mean... we try to make it fun... to spice things up... but... sometimes... It just feels like a chore. I want my old sex life back!!!! No watching the calendar... no "mandatory" dates for sex... no doctor prescribed "relations"....no pressure!!! And (probably most of all)... I miss my old buddy KY jelly... (I have got to get some of that "Pre-Seed" goop but I have no clue where to find it... and I am not about to go into the store and ASK about it....)

So we had a great and busy weekend and we are now officially in another 2 week wait...

I hate the hopeful part of the month...
I have learned firsthand that the higher the roller coaster climbs... the longer the drop...

normal... a beautiful word...

I saw the RE today and we did my 2nd u/s to check for PCOS... Mr. D. went with me so he could meet the new doctor. When we started the u/s Nurse Chatty started talking about Christmas shopping... everyone was just chatting away including RE telling a long story about a friend falling off a ladder while hanging Christmas lights... It was a very surreal experience since the entire conversation went on in the dark u/s room while I had an u/s wand stuck up my "you know what".... Finally I said "So... uh.. how does it look in there?" He started talking about a cyst and measuring and I got panicked... Then Nurse Chatty said... "does it look like PCOS to you ?" and RE said... "Nope... looks normal". I almost burst into tears... the cyst he was looking at was the follicle that is about to pop out an egg... No other cysts... My ovaries look normal! I have part of my reproductive system that is NORMAL!!!!!!!!!

I am on cd 11 and the RE said I should "o" on Sunday or Monday... He said the follicle looked normal and no signs of PCOS related cysts. Nurse Chatty said "Are you going to tell them to have "relations" this weekend"? (Who says "relations" besides her and Bill Clinton???) And the RE laughed and said "well... That is none of my business" Then Mr. D. who had been very quiet the whole time (probably very uncomfortable seeing the wand "you know where"... even though I TOLD him not to look!) piped up with "Well... Actually... that IS you business..." and we all laughed. He prescribed lots of TTCSex this weekend... He also said that it is important for the sperm to be in there before "o" so they can mature for a better chance at getting pregnant. He said to have TTCSex Saturday thru Monday... Finally... a doctor directive that I can follow with having to ask a million questions!!!!

I still have to wait for my blood work up (I filled 4 tubes today... ouch) .. we are testing L'S, FSH, Anticardiolipids, progesterone, testosterone, etc... but all signs point towards normal ovulation!!!

I will go in for one more u/s on Tuesday to see if the egg was released as scheduled. I will also get a prescription for prometrium and start that as soon as we know that I have "o'ed".

One more thing to cross off the list of what "might" be wrong... It is not as great as getting a 100% answer to why... but it is nice to know that it is not PCOS and my body is at least getting the conception part down. This also means that I don't have to worry as much about another m/c due to "poor egg quality". I guess now we will concentrate on the clotting issues and progesterone supplements and hope once I get pregnant again this RE can keep me pregnant.

Thanks for all the hopes and prayers... They seem to be working...

(Can you keep praying that I get pg this month with a very sticky and very healthy baby or two???)

Mr. D. and I are taking my NORMAL ovaries out tonight to celebrate!

Tomorrow...

After a particularly grueling day of teaching and rehearsals I just remembered that my 2nd u/s appointment is tomorrow at 11:00 am... It is weird how being busy, stressed, and exhausted can make you forget things. Now I am all nervous about tomorrow... I can tell it is a Tylenol PM and merlot kind of evening.

Tomorrow we will get a good look at the follicles on cd 11 and see if they are looking mature and ready to pop out an egg or if they... don't.

Please say a prayer for me that PCOS is something that we can scratch off our list of possibilities... And please pray that we leave the RE's office tomorrow with more answers than questions...

Oh.. one of my students mother is an adoption counselor and I asked her to send me some basic info. I got it today and I can't even imagine diving into that sea of unknown-ness. Adoption and the financing of an adoption seem so foreign to me I can only stare at the packet and wonder "How do people begin to sort through this???" Boy do I wish I had an extra $30,000 laying around so I could move forward.... But I can't imagine that we will ever be able to tackle that... Mr. D. will be 45 in 18 months and 45 is a cut off point for most adoption agencies... that is scary... That means we don't have long before we have to decide if adoption is a option for us and to figure out what bank we can rob to get the funds to pay for it...

Feeling sad and disillusioned...

please pray for my ovaries...