OK... Now I'm Pissed....

Screw not showing D.B.'s emails in my blog... Here is the response he sent to my letter in its entirety. Fuck it.

"....you've no idea what a tailspin this letter has caused in my head. it's 7 a.m. and i'm about to leave for san diego for a sales meeting i'm conducting. "one last fling" before i get married? i did that? i can say with all honestly there isn't a fragment of memory in my head about this (not calling you a liar, just saying). i was going to buy your ticket to come to my wedding? ...was this just mean of me? I'm sorry if these questions caused any angst for you, they're beating me up. i'm walking out the door for pendleton (san diego) may be back this afternoon. "

Background: A year before I met him (1986) D.B. was in a horrible motorcycle accident and he almost died. He suffered a massive brain injury that I know left him with significant memory loss. However, this "proposal was 4 years later (1990). Apparently this is his "magic eraser" for any mistakes he makes in life... "I did what??? I just don't remember that!" I am no brain surgeon expert type person... But... I don't buy it.

Here is a question for you D.B.: Why would I feel the need to make this up after 16 years??? You have been off my map for a LONG time now. YOU contacted ME out of the blue claiming an intense need to apologize to me... (and yet you can't remember why)... You begged me to "fill you in." I remember the entire "Come to California to have sex with me before I get married" conversation.. I remember it because it had a deep effect on me. You asked me... I'm telling you. Asshole.

I am not going to respond to this piece of shit email... and I bet I never hear from him again.

Tomorrow it is back to obsessing about getting pregnant.

THIS IS MY EMAIL TO D.B.
I HOPE THAT THIS WILL END THIS RECENT EMAIL RELATIONSHIP...

Hi D.B.,

Your family is beautiful. The daughter standing over your wife is like seeing a picture of Lisa when she was young! You are so fortunate to have such a happy and healthy family... if there is anything I can remind you of it is that there are people out there (like me) who pray every single day to have a family... Look at yours... they are perfect.

OK… (down to brass tacks...) I am sorry that your memory is still suffering from your accident. I can only imagine how hard that would be. I want to help you remember so that you can "close the book" on our little high school fling forever. Obviously we have both moved on so I do feel a bit uncomfortable digging up these ghosts, but you asked so I will... and then you and I will say our goodbyes and go back to our real lives.

There are two things that may be bothering you inside.
#1 - Our break up and
#2 - A phone call we had in 1990.

The break-up - You basically broke-up with me because I wasn't ready to have an adult relationship with you. It was a relationship filled with pressure about sex. I was 16... and you were probably 19 or 20... so now, I can understand how you would be ready for a sexual relationship and I wasn't. I was heartbroken... I thought I would never get over it.... but as all 16 year old girls do... I healed. That break up taught me so much about myself. I should thank you because in a small way that break up began to mold me into the adult woman that I am today. You are right... I was strong willed then and "I haven't changed a bit". You don't owe me an apology for that. we were stupid kids... that is what kids do... (Get ready for 2 teenage daughters... ouch!... karma)

OK... Now the more serious thing... The phone call from you in 1990-ish to tell me that you were getting married. In this call we flirted a lot... (I am not proud of that) But you asked me if I would come to California (you offer to by the ticket) for one last "fling" before your wedding. I was 19 now and had lost my virginity and I think that that intrigued you. We always had great "chemistry" and I was flattered and wished that I could see you again... I still felt the rejection from years before. Of course, the "fling" never happened but it always bothered me because of the "indecent proposal" that was put out there by you only months before your wedding. That was the last time I ever spoke to you.

This incident again helped make me the woman I am... I am loyal and faithful. When I was 23 my ex-husband cheated on me. At this time I thought a lot about you and our last phone conversation. I suddenly knew how it felt to be the wife. To have a husband making secret phone calls and being dishonest with me. I knew how it was first hand to have a 19 year old "bombshell" flirting with and (in my case) sleeping with my husband. My first marriage ended in disaster. I hope that you never acted on your impulse to have a "fling" before or during your marriage... but thankfully, if you did, I was not part of it.

So that is it. I hope that this helps you remember. I hope that you are honest with your lovely wife and that she knows about me and the recent contact we have had. I want you to be happy and I want to believe that you are. I know that Mr. D. and I have a great relationship and that I can share anything with him... including all of our emails and this story from my past. I really hope that you have that with your wife.

I am happy that you contacted me and hope that the opportunity to hear the truth from me frees you up from the "need to apologize" to me. That was a long time ago and we have both moved on.

Jamie

...DO YOU THINK THIS SENDS THE MESSAGE?

Before Coffee...

This morning after I stepped out of the shower I looked down and I was standing in a small pool of blood... There was not a lot... maybe a teaspoon or so... but mixed with the dripping water it looked like an ocean on my tile floor. I immediately panicked... I started shaking... "Why am I bleeding? Am I somehow unknowingly pregnant? Is this another miscarriage? What is happening to me???" I ran over to the toilet grabbed some tissue and wiped... nothing... total confusion.

... about 20 seconds into the total confusion I realize that I had nicked the back of my ankle while shaving and was tracking bloody feet marks all over the bathroom. Got a band-aid.. cleaned up the mess... crisis averted.

This is what 2 miscarriages can do to your brain.

The Email Scandal...

So D.B. has contacted me by email. Now things get wierder... I contemplated posting the email in its entirety just to get opinions... but then I thought that that just crosses some sort of moral line that I have (and I don't have many) regarding private conversations... so I will just have to describe the email... I guess...

Basically it was chatty and long about how he just "happened across my name on classmates.com" (which is not true because he graduated 4 years before me... so he had to look me up). He quickly assured me that he is happily married for 14 years, 2 daughters (11 & 6), great job, great family, great life. Great. (So why exactly are you emailing an ex-girlfriend from 16 years ago?) He said he had fond memories of me and had always wondered what I was doing with myself... he asked for a picture. Basically Mr. D. summed up the email in two words "kinda creepy".

I wrote back and tried to be as chatty as he was.. I basically gave my "profile". I also assured him that I am happily married... (hey.. I am not the one contacting ex's on the internet...)

I think Kath (Never Ever Late) hit it right on the head when she called it a "High Fidelity" mid-life crisis type thing where he can't believe that he is getting old and that there are women out there in the world that he dated a million years ago that aren't still at home pinning away for him. I totally see where he is wanting this email conversation to go and it will only be a matter of time before he is asking me about "why or how did I ever got over him..." (Dude... I was 16... it took about 3 minutes.) I can see the John Cusack/Catherine Zeta Jones scenes playing out over a keyboard...

I am not exactly sure why I even wrote back... except I didn't want to be rude... but the thought of many more questions or much more email contact is kind of ooogy to me... I am 100% honest with Mr. D and I offer to let him read any emails I get... always... I have nothing to hide... but I can't help thinking that I would bet $$$ that Mrs. D.B. has no idea that her husband is emailing me.

I would die if Mr. D. ever secretly contacted an ex... isn't that a major red flag???? (Normal contact with ex's doesn't bother me.. I am actually friends with several women he dated in the past.. they all still adore him and say he is the best man alive... I know this too!) Plus... we have a very honest relationship and I would see sneaking around (even on the internet) as completely dishonest.

POLL: HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WERE MRS.. D.B.? DO YOU THINK SHE KNOWS HER HUSBAND HAS CONTACTED ME? DO YOU THINK I AM JUST AS WRONG TO WRITE HIM BACK? OR... AM I MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF A HARMLESS GESTURE?

In case you are wondering... I did send a picture... the wedding picture on this page... (Mr. D. thought this was very funny.)

The Phone Call

Dad called today. We talked about the usual... gardening... his new living room furniture.... my brother... & Thanksgiving plans (uggghhh...) He asked me how Nic was and if she was in Europe yet... I told him about her BFP and then we talked about my recent BFN's... He basically told me to "calm down" and "stop worrying about it so much"... To "put it in God's hands" and "it will happen when the timing is right".

I love my Dad... but I wanted to scream at him.

ME: (on the inside) - DAD! I HAVE HAD 2 M/C's IN THE LAST 6 MONTHS! THE TIMING WAS RIGHT... I DID PUT IT IN GOD'S HANDS... AND I LOST BOTH BABIES. I am 32... my clock is ticking... the window of "adoption" is quickly shutting because in 19 months Mr. D. will be 45 and "officially" to old to adopt. (Besides the fact that we don't happen to have $30,000 to spend on adoption.) I FEEL LIKE I AM SUFFOCATING WITH WORRY AND WHAT-IF'S AND YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN? Dad... I don't know what to do... I FEEL SO EMPTY AND ALONE AND EVERYTHING EVERYONE SAYS SEEMS WRONG AND HURTFUL! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND ME AND WHY DO I HAVE TO SEEK SOLACE THROUGH AN ONLINE JOURNAL AND INTERNET FRIENDS INSTEAD OF MY REAL LIFE FRIENDS AND FAMILY UNDERSTANDING ME???? I swear to God, Dad... I feel like I woke up the day after my m/c speaking a foreign language that no one understands! AND ALL DAY I THINK ABOUT HOW THE FUCK I CAN COMMUNICATE THIS PAIN TO PEOPLE.

ME: (in real life) - I basically cried a little and my Dad felt uncomfortable and told me he loved me and he was going to let me go so I could get on with my day and he could mow the lawn.

People just don't get it...

Side notes:
1. I found HPT at the dollar store today. They are supposed to detect 25 mIU of hcG... I wanted to buy all the had in stock... but I couldn't face the cashier with 15 HPT's.
So I bought 6.

2. Told Mr. D about the mysterious email from D.B. Mr. D. seemed unconcerned and saw no problem with me emailing D.B. back to see where life has taken him in the past 16 years. I love my husband so much... Emailed him back... was VERY vague except to say I was happily married and living in Dallas.... no response so far.

Weird...

D.B., a random guy that I dated in 10th grade (in California) just sent me an email through classmates.com and said that he would love to "get in touch with me". I really liked this guy in high school and he was always really nice to me... but I feel weird about emailing him... after 16 years!

REWIND TO 1988: This is what I remember: D.B. was older than me and I liked him a lot because he was VERY popular and very cute in a blond surfer-type way... He was prom king and a football star when he was a senior. We dated for a couple of months when I was 16 and he was 19... he broke up with me (can't remember why... probably to date someone his own age who would do more than just make-out with him) I was heartbroken. I remember driving by his house at night listening to very sad 80's music... Then my family moved to Texas. And that was that.

FAST FORWARD to 2004:... 16 years later I get an email from him???? Weird.

I think I will talk to Mr. D about this. I definitely need a male perspective....

Overcast with a chance of showers...

Why do I feel so sad today?
(self analysis)

1. I didn't sleep well at all... full of worry and doubt.

2. It is Saturday and I will spend 12 hours (10-10) up at the school getting other people's teenage kids ready for our school musical.

3. It is overcast with a chance of showers outside.. just like I feel inside.

4. I feel so fat... and yet ate a huge Mexican dinner last night... I have gained 10 pounds since my wedding and I weigh in at 153.

5. I am tired... like really tired... like want to shut down tired...

6. My online friends Jen and ErinD are both "off the boards" because they are putting TTC on hold... They are both feeling a lot like I am except... I don't want to put TTC on hold (I did that through my 20's and I hear the clock ticking to much).

7. Mr. D. has shows all weekend so I won't see him much at all.. (probably good news for him since I am in such a great mood).

8. The next Saturday that I won't have a 12 hour work day is after the musical on October 23.

9. Nic is moving away to London in 2 weeks... and she is pregnant.

10. The way I physically feel is nauseous and sinus headache-y... yet I KNOW I am not pregnant so I might be getting a cold... depressing....

11. I want t be supportive and encouraging to the kids today in their rehearsal... but I KNOW that is going to be a major struggle for me... because I feel sad and angry and frustrated and hopeless about most everything.

12 - 20. I am not pregnant.

Obsession... not a pretty thing..

I don't like being obsessed with pregnancy (or the lack thereof...) I have this blog to help me "get it out" so I can be productive... but I am feeling especially unproductive (as well as un-reproductive) and today it is getting me down.

I am wasting so much time at work on pregnancy boards and on blogging and on wishing I was pregnant... Don't get me wrong.. I teach my classes, but all of my spare moments are spent on this new hobby that is looking up crap about pregnancy and wishing with all my might that I was pregnant. I really hate this feeling of obsession.

In case you are new... I am completely obsessive about most things in my life.. I am a control freak... I KNOW that about myself. The up side to that is that I LOVE details... I love the little things that make up the whole... I am a perfectionist and I strive to stay on top of every little problem until it gets solved. I expect others to do the same and I want everyone to follow the rules.. these are qualities that make me a god teacher and a good director... I demand excellence I expect responsibility...

... I am the most annoying person on the planet.

I want to not obsess... or at least go back to obsessing about other things besides a baby. It is like a sickness... In my 20's I thought that "those" pregnancy obsessed women were such losers... I mean... get a life right???

ME at 23: - "Having a child is not the end all be all of your entire life! What about having a great relationship with your husband? Or a great career? Or just striving to be a productive human being! We are not ONLY baby making machines!!! "

ME at 32: - "I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby... I want a baby..." ( see a pattern here???)

I really feel the need to take a BusPar and go to bed.

Progesterone Blues...

I am in an argument with my bottle of progesterone cream.

I know from my doctor that I need progesterone supplements. I also know from other women that many doctors have you use the supplements while you are TTC... my doctor says that he wants to wait until I have a BFP before he prescribes them...

SO... I started using the OTC progesterone cream... you know... just in case...

Here's the trouble... Erin D my friend from Pregnancy Weekly just found out that this cream can cause soreness in the breasts... just like pregnancy. Fine... good to know...

BUT... if it causes boob soreness did it ALSO cause all the false pregnancy symptoms that I experienced this month? I had tons of zits, mild nausea, tummy bloating, and I really felt grouchy... along with the soreness. And this was more than just bad PMS... it started about 12 days before AF came. I think that it is really stressful because I want to be pregnant and I know what I felt like both times I was pregnant so I was SURE that I was pregnant again.

I know that if this cream is helping to make my uterus the perfect cotton candy playground that a baby needs to stick than it is worth it to use the cream... (At least until the doctor will give me the real goods) but... I have got to find out how much of these symptoms this cream can cause. AND I wonder if you keep using it if these symptoms subside or I need to resolve myself to feeling PMS-y all the time.

Which brings me to my final point...

SHOULDN'T THEY PUT THIS INFORMATION ON THE BACK OF THE DAMN BOTTLE????

STAGE MANAGER: "Psst... Singing Fat Lady!... You're on!"

It is only September 21... but for me... this month is OVER.

This morning at 4:43 I got the ultimate BFN. I woke slightly hopeful to finally do the HPT right with 1st morning pee... peed on the stick... set it down.. wiped... and pink! Wh-wh- what??? possible implantation bleeding?... Wiped again... darker pink. Third time... RED. Dug out the tampons from the back of the cabinet where they always are when I need them and (can you believe this) I actually watch the HPT for another 10 minutes.... just to make sure. Stupid AF.
I hate you!

I have a thing with bleeding now... it is really traumatic. Before it was an inconvenience, and mildly uncomfortable and it had started reminding me that "hey... you're not pregnant this month". But now... I think m/c. Blood on the tissue means scary things that I have nightmares about. Cramps seem worse and deeper. It means a terrible empty feeling in my belly.. it means things are falling out of me.. it means my body has betrayed me... it means I am childless... it means I have failed...

My period has become a subtle monthly reminder of what it felt like to miscarry.

By the way... I would like to punch the fucking man that came up with the word miscarriage.. It sounds like you dropped something. It sounds like a football term! Like, "I could've caught the ball but I miscarried it."

I remember times in my past when I PRAYED for AF... Begged and promised anything if God would just let her visit. Being pregnant would have been the worst thing ever then... I was 18 when I had sex for the first time... Wow... If I would've conceived then... I could have a 14 year old kid... I might have missed getting my college degree, missed becoming an Equity actress, missed touring the US, missed meeting and marrying Mr. D... If I got pregnant then (at the "wrong time") I might have miscarried my whole life.

So if God knew that the timing wasn't right for me then... I have to trust him about the timing now.
(epiphany time.. seriously... tears in eyes now...)

Tales from the ledge...

Cd 31... still no AF.

I was an evil bitch from hell today. Ok.. probably no THAT bad, but I felt like I was going to come out of my own skin.

I had horrible nightmares all night... nightmares that involved families that weren't mine.. horrible scary tragedies involving lots of blood... nightmares that sound silly when I think about them now, but that had me so freaked out last night that I had to wake up Mr. D in the middle of the night just to hold me.

Felt awful all morning... just sad and depressed and weepy... basically a mess. My students were doing scenework and were unprepared... duh.. they are high school students... I was really angry at them for not being ready to go... I was not mean... but I was harsh. I knew I had no patience... I TRIED to find the good in their work but it was really hard. EVERYTHING was annoying to me.

Mr. "Good Teacher" who I teach with was great. I announced that I was going to go home for lunch and my conference period because I was so upset and pissy... I seriously felt like I was going to punch or kick or throw something very hard and I needed to get out of there before I went off. I got 1/2 way home and Mr. Good Teacher called on my cel to tell me to take the whole afternoon if I needed it... that he could watch my last class.. and just to come back for rehearsal at 3:45... That was the sweetest thing, it gave me 3 free hours to calm myself down before a LONG 3 hour rehearsal with (again) thoroughly unprepared kids.

Mr. D knew I was on my way home and had made me a great lunch. I ate and watched my guilty pleasure daytime TV favorite (Starting Over) and dozed on the couch. Then... the best part of my day... I decided to go for a pedicure... in the middle of a school day.

I spent $36 on my tootsies today and it was worth every penny. I had a spa pedicure with real lemons, oranges, honey, rose petals, and flowers in the water. I sat in the massage chair and flipped through a magazine at 2:00 on a school day. The pedicure man washed and massaged my feet using the fruit and flowers like a loofa. I got the full treatment.. vitamin foot mask, paraffin, cooling mint gel, and tons of massage. I am primped and polished.. and I have pretty feet. I felt like I was on a cloud when I arrived back a school for rehearsal at 3:30.

I still was hard on the kids at rehearsal... (well... They still were unprepared)... But I told Mr. Good Teacher that he probably saved a kids life today by getting me the hell out of there...

I am spoiled.. I spoil myself...

But hey, 3 hours and $36 to get me off the ledge... That is a bargain.

Definition of "Hard"

My best friend Nic is pregnant.

She just got married on August 21...
They wanted to have a baby right away...
Her LMP was August 25...
conceived around September 7th...
3w5d pregnant.
They have been married exactly 30 days...

Did the HPT at my house together... her husband is in London.
They are moving to London next month for 15 months while he goes to grad school.
Her 2nd line turned FFP quickly...

Had the "any line means you are pregnant" conversation.
Had the "Jamie... are you OK?" conversation.
Had the "I am happy for you... I promise" conversation.

My HPT showed 1 lonely line... again.. 3rd time.

That.. my friends, is the definition of "hard".

Le Explanation...

I took another HPT last night at 10 PM... I just HAD to.. it was sitting on the kitchen counter in it's pink little box winking at me. PROMISING me a positive. I was weak... again.. and gave in again... and got a BFN... again... No early morning pee.. old stale 10 PM pee. What a waste of $$$.

Today I am feeling crampy. It is day 29 of my cycle that before my m/c was 32 days long and now... well after 2 back to back m/c it is hard to tell... It is somewhere between 29 and 34 days... I think. Twice I went to the bathroom knowing that I had started, but so far nothing.

We have friends coming over tonight (I'll call them A. & B.) that I have not seen in a long time. They are coming over late (after Mr. D's show) so it will be around 11 PM when they get here. Which is just about the time I usually start getting ready for bed. We are going to have late night snacks of jalapeno/cream cheese dip, chips and beer... and yes... I think I will be drinking... but we never drink much.

In the morning when A. & B. wake up I will serve my famous breakfast lasagna, cheddar cheese biscuits, and for something sweet... strawberries romanoff! I am a good cook (when I apply myself) even though I only cook about once every two months! We usually eat out a lot or Mr. D cooks... he is a great cook and being an actor he is usually home during the day so I don't have to worry about "what's for dinner".

B. is in the show with Mr. D and they are pretty good buddies. While they have a matinee performance tomorrow A. and I will hang out here and catch up since I haven't visited with her in a long time. I am a little nervous though... she is an actress and even though they have been married 3 years, they are in no hurry to have a baby. I am scared we won't have much in common...

Recently changed my life and career focus to teaching, directing, and starting a family a lot more than acting.. I sort of have trouble relating to the "actress types". Plus, I get all judgmental about myself and start feeling fat and boring and talent-free because I am not performing. The super-competitive type A part of me starts feeling really low self esteem because I am not out the pounding the pavement trying to be a working actress like my old so-called "friends" are. The theatre industry is really hard on you and it is a life that I never lived very well. It is exhausting to be superficial all the time and worry about nothing but auditions, voice lessons, your appearance, and call times. It is a life that I am happy to be away from... Until I hang out with an old friend I start feeling like a big old slug who gave up and became a teacher for the security. The old adage "Those would can... Do. Those who can't... teach" replays a million times in my head.

But, I am excited to spend time with another woman because I do not have many girlfriends. Relationships with women have always been hard for me. I am really working on that in my 30's. I want girlfriends... I need that support and I really do not have it from the friends I have now. It was especially hard after my miscarriages... I felt like no one could understand how I felt. A actually felt like there were women in my life who were unsympathetic... Like since I have a great husband, a nice home, a job that I love, and a pretty face that I had no right to want more or to grieve such a small thing as a miscarriage. Ouch.. that really hurt me.

I do feel so blessed with the life I lead, but I still have a void in my life that makes me yearn for a child of our own. Is that selfish? Do I not deserve it because God has blessed me in other areas?

Anyway... I am going to cultivate my friendships with women... starting tonight with A.

I am off to vacuum, dust, clean the bathrooms, and prep the food for breakfast...

...hopefully AF won't show her ugly face around here... but I have a feeling... she might just crash my party.

BFN... again... 

Chips and salsa for one...

I my post-traumatic stress of getting a BFN I went home last night and ate almost an entire bag of chips and salsa. I wish I had a video of myself mindlessly shoving that crap into my mouth while watching Survivor... I would probably never eat again. There were crumbs everywhere... I am sure it was a pathetic sight. Thank God no one was home to see my gorge!

I told Mr. D about the test and the chips... he was sweet about it. "At least you are not a 15 year old taking a pregnancy test in the girls restroom..." He was more devastated that I ate almost all of his chips. Men...

I still think I feel pregnant.

The Reign of the Drama Queen

I tested... BFN (duh...) I have sunk to an all time low... I actually went and bought a test on my lunch and tested in the restroom here at school!!!!!!! How pathetic is THAT! OMG!!!!! I am disgusted with myself!

Here is how this whole obsessive thing went down... This morning was great... I even encouraged my friend Jen not to test today because it was to early for her... (She is like 1 or 2 days behind my cycle)...I was fine... started thinking that my boobs might be slightly sore.... Then I started thinking that if I was pregnant I would need to see a doctor right away to get progesterone and start on heparin... Then I started thinking about how busy I am at work next week and how could I possibly get to the doctor..... Then I started thinking that we have an early release day tomorrow at school because of Homecoming and I could get to the doctor tomorrow afternoon if I needed to.... Then I started to think that I could probably see the doctor tomorrow if I knew that I was pregnant... Then I spent a while thinking about how excited and nervous I would be if I actually took the test and found out I was.... Then I started thinking about how I would tell Mr. D and how I am SURE that this pregnancy would go to term and what great parents we will be and....

So the next thing I know I am starring at a BFN in the girls restroom at school! Seriously... it was really negative... like NO SIGN OF A PINK LINE... this test didn't even have the decency to turn pink an hour later when I re-checked it (YES... I KNOW you are not supposed to re-check them!!!!!!!) This is like the BIGGEST FATTEST NEGATIVE THERE EVER HAS BEEN OR EVER WILL BE!

I do not keep secrets from Mr. D... but I do not think that I can tell him that I am such a pregnancy test whore that I tested in the girl's room at school!!!! This is a new low...

Irony of the day: I probably could have randomly selected a high school girl out of the hallway and had her pee on the stick and got a BFP!!!!

And if I got a BFP can you imagine...
"Mommy where were you when you found out you were pregnant with me?"
ME: "Well honey... I was in the girls restroom at school on my lunch break balancing the test on my lap and trying to see the LINES!!!!!!!!"

Now I am pissed at myself and sad... And I don't even care that I get to ride with my "kids" in the homecoming parade on a fire truck down Main Street today and I get to wear a crown and wave because I am the "Drama Queen". None of that matters because I TOOK A FRIGGING PREGNANCY TEST IN THE GIRLS BATHROOM IN A HIGH SCHOOL AND I AM A 32 YEAR OLD TEACHER!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck.

AND.. what kind of moron tests on day 27 of a 32 day cycle! I didn't even use the morning pee!!!!!

(I will probably test again on Sunday if AF doesn't get here... I have another test...)

I am out of control...

Paint fumes are going to my head...

Breathing paint fumes isn't bad if you are pregnant... right?

Ok... I am probably not pg, but... if I was (and I said I am probably not) what the hell am I doing stuck in this not-at-all-ventilated-theatre sucking in the fumes while my students paint and stain this mammoth set?

Top five reasons I don't think I am pregnant this month and should NOT go spent $15 to prove it:

1. Boobs don't feel sore enough.
2. Not peeing all that much
3. I am still at least 3 days away from AF... maybe more if my cycles go back to the 32 days they were before the m/c.
4. Only nauseous when I don't eat and personally I think it is way to early to be pg nauseous and I have been tired but not "I have to lay down right now and nap" tired... just "hmmm... I am tired" tired.
5. Because I am not that lucky.

Devils advocate time here...

Top 5 reasons I think I might be pregnant and want to pee on the stick!
1. My boobs are kind of sore...
2. I usually don't get nauseous unless I am in the back seat of a swervy car
3. I want to know the MINUTE their is any hcG detected so I can get progesterone and heparin.
4. I seem to get pregnant easily if we do it on the right day... which we did...
5. I have been super grouchy and tired...

So, I sit here in the theatre at 5:15... students painting and building... waiting to start rehearsal at 6... wondering about this pregnancy thing. How am I supposed to know if I feel pregnant... I don't trust my body (or my mind) at this point.

Why did God make pregnancy symptoms feel just like AF symptoms??? That seems kind of redundant. I mean couldn't God come up for some clearer signals that a woman is entering the most exciting and scary phase of her life... motherhood. It is a life changing event isn't it? It should be marked by something other than sore boobs and puking?

To test or not to test... that is the question. I don't know what to do. I don't want to wait but I also don't want to set myself up for disappointment.

Enough with the rambling... I have a rehearsal to get to!

A 15 hour day in 2 hour shoes...

I just walked into the house at 9:55 from teaching, then a drama club meeting, then rehearsal, then Open House, then The Theatre Parent Meeting where 11 parents showed up.

Wore my really cute Guess 5 inch black patent leather mary janes today... looked really snappy... but my feet have been throbbing since noon! What was I thinking?????

Don't care about anything...way to tired. Forgot to eat dinner. More tired than hungry...

people are reading my blog but not posting... does that mean I am boring? So... tired...

Not really feeling pregnant... AF should arrive on Sunday or Monday...

Going to bed...

Zzzzzzzzzzz...

Ode to Teaching...

What a busy and crappy day...

Basically I just want to take a bubble bath and crawl into bed...

I am sick of dealing with high school kid's parents! I talked to several today and I just want to scream! As a extra-curricular teacher, I understand that my class is not on the SAT or the ACT radar, but do not tell me that it is less important than the "core-classes". Believe it or not, Your child does learn some things in my class. We do assignments and take tests too... and "I couldn't study my monologue because I had to study for my French test" just doesn't FLY!!!! Your kid may me very academically minded but they have no responsibility or character! Quit lying for them and making excuses for them! Let them learn to schedule their own life... they are going to college next year for God's sake! Hold them accountable for their mistakes... and teach them to be honest, caring, compassionate adults!... Jeez!!!!

Only one thing is worse... tomorrow night is open house!!!!!! AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

It is like a really bad joke some days:

"Hey Mom and Dad... how many infertile teachers does it take to raise your child???"

Now you can post!!!

New things learned today before 8:00 AM:

Alex, a new friend over at The Infertile Gourmet, just taught me how to let non-Blogger readers to post! (I was wondering why no one was posting!)

Thanks Alex! For the email and the great welcome on your site!

Surly Curly Girlie

Not much to report today... I basically spent it recovering from yesterday. I was so tired when I crawled into bed last night a little after midnight and yet for some reason I was awake at 2:45. I wasn't being obsessive or thinking "to much"... I was just awake. Finally I dozed until about 6:00 in short 20 minute spurts. I finally got up at 7:08... but I was still really tired.. I wonder why?

Mr. D and I went to breakfast... Then ventured out to "Grapefest" a small town (Grapevine, Texas) wine festival. It was hot... eff-ing hot. We only stayed about an hour before neither of us could take the heat. The rest of the day was wasted away running silly errands and napping (again in short 20 minute spurts... Why can't I sleep today???) finally we had dinner at a mexican food restaurant where I ate WAY to many carb-filled chips and tortillas slathered with butter. YUM.

Mr. D said I was being surly today... He said that I am a "Surly Curly Girlie" because I wore my hair curly (ie: tossled...messy... ratty) and was being very spunky and sparring with him a lot today. At one point, I woke up from a nap and asked him if he wanted to go shopping and he started laughing and said "Go look at you hair!" It was CRAZY MESSY! I laughed and told him it was soooo rude to make fun of my hair-do. He says he loves it like that! I believe him... sort of... but he did LAUGH when he saw it... (Enter Jessica Simpson singing about "nothing but a t-shirt on" and her husband making her feel beautiful weven when she is ratty... just like me!) I was in a sarcastic mood (because of no sleep) and Mr. D loves my dry sense of humor and thinks I am at my funniest when I am dead-pan and philsophical about stupid things like why our crepe myrtle trees aren't growing. We had a fun time togther even though I was tired and... I guess... surly.

Today I realized that I can only ask Mr.. D so many times "Do you think we'll get pregnant this month?" before he goes glassy eyed and mumbles "I... don't... know..."

It is strange, I am so obsessed with getting pregnant again that I am forgetting to be scared about STAYING pregnant. I just want that second pink line to show up so I can get on with my high risk pregnancy. Shouldn't I be more worried? Is it wrong to have a glimmer of hope that things might actually work out? That I might have a normal-ish pregnancy and that in May I might have the perfect little bundle of joy in my arms? This is very hopful sounding for a "surly curly girlie".

I might be gaining hope.. a very scary thought.

Build Day - Post mortem

Today I had a mandatory build day for my students to build the set for our upcoming musical... here is the run down.

12 1/2 - number of hours worked
34 - number of kids that showed up
0 - number of parents that showed up to help... (OK... 1 dad came and helped the last 2 hours... we needed it... BAD.)
5 - number of Home Depot trips
5 - number of food runs... Wendy's, Sonic, Taco Bell, Starbucks, & Jack in the Box
38 -number of costumes in the show
28 - number of costumes we have finished
5 -number of hours it took 7 kids to hang a door... Straight.
8 - number of walls hung
4 - number of gallons of pumpkin colored paint used
16 - number of paint rollers used and washed out about 5 times
300 -number of "stripped" screws
0 - Number of curse words I uttered in front of kids
100 -number of times I WANTED to curse in front of the kids
6 - number of drill bits broken
34 - number of kids I yelled at during some part of the day
1 - number of girls found in restroom puking and sent home
20 - number of Homecoming signs made
0 -number of trips to the emergency roon... score!
568 -number of dollars spent on building the set... so far

We are now about 65% done with the set.
The show opens October 7.
We are in good shape... now if the cast would just learn their LINES and MUSIC and CHOREOGRAPHY!!!

Barely thought of wanting a child today... build days with 34 teenagers is great motivation to use birth control!

Essay on Teaching - Grade C-

The assistant Theatre teacher I teach with is AMAZING!!! I LOVE him! As head of the department it is a breath of fresh air to FINALLY (after 7 years) have someone in that position that I know is doing a great job and who is teaching the kids everything they need to know before they step foot into the super competitive realm of my advanced theatre class. He is great with the Theatre I kids, he is great teaching the technical theatre class, and he is a GREAT friend! I am passionate about my job and I am so thankful that he feels the same way about theatre and about teaching kids...

Funny story about his class today...
Mr. "Great Teacher" was giving a test today and since he has been having trouble with kids being tardy to his class he added a question to make sure kids understood his tardy policy. It is simple, he expects you to be in your seat when the bell rings... pretty standard.. right?

Question #30 - When are you tardy to my class?

Lindsey's answer - Friday... i had to go to the bathroom.


I find it very ironic that I spend most of my day teaching (and sometimes parenting) other people's children... and yet... I can't seem to have my own

Tomorrow is Saturday. We have a build day from 10AM to 10PM to build the set for our musical. We are building a church to be exact since that is where our fun little obscure musical takes place. So Mr. "Great Teacher" and I will be in charge of 35 high school students using power tools and paint... for approximately 12 hours. Every year we ask (beg) for parent help... every year parents drive their kid up to the school on Saturday morning and drop them off.
Oh well... you can't curse in front of the kids if their parents are there... (only did that once...last year I dropped the F bomb when a little 11th grade girl accidentally drilled into my finger with a power drill. I think her mom would have understand the lack of judgment with my colorful vocabulary... Considering that I was spurting blood and balling my head off!) Hopefully there will be no trips to the emergency room tomorrow.

Daily stats:
prenatal vitamin - yep
baby aspirin- yep
progesterone cream-yep
nausea - none
boobs - no ache - except from all the punching and poking them I am doing...
Pee- at least 7 times... but I was drinking a lot of water
Rolaids- 2
CD-21

Place tail between legs...

OK... I was out of control yesterday... I know that. I was so mean and grumpy to everyone around me that even when I was doing it I was thinking "Wow... I hope that I can bring back nice Jamie before everyone on the planet hates my guts". I already moan that I wish I had more friends, but thank God I don't... they would all hate my after yesterday.

Here are 3 ways that I know I was out of line yesterday:
1. I woke up with 2 HUGE zits... one on each cheek...uuuggghhhh... karma.
2. One of my students left me a sweet note telling me what a great teacher I am and how lucky she is to be in my class...and how she is so sorry that the cast of my play sucks but she is sure they will get better soon. (guilt...) She left this note taped to my computer screen so I would see it first thing in the morning.
3. My worst student, who I yelled at yesterday for borrowing a book without my permission, came in to class early with the book and a bag of M&M's for a peace offering. (They are now bringing in chocolate in hopes to soothe the beast.)

Today was a new day... Even before the bribe I gave myself an attitude adjustment and swore that I would stay calm today.

Mr. D calls me and whisks me off to a nice long surprise lunch on my conference period (my conference period is attached to lunch so I have a 2 hour chunk in the middle of the school day... Very luxurious). So we head over to Whole Foods because we are committed to a healthy diet since watching Oprah yesterday... "Sugar gives you wrinkles... broccoli is nature's perfect food". I had a wonderful (and colorful) salad and black bean soup along with a full ounce of dark chocolate... I swear Oprah said it is good for you! Then... Mr. D surprises me again by buying me a 15 minute chair massage... IT IN MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL DAY!!! I truly do have the most thoughtful husband on the planet. And what did all of this teach me? People really love being treated like shit... and if you are mean to them you get presents!

Ok.. I actually learned more than that and have turned over a new "nice" leaf.

CD20 / DPO = 6: Felt nauseous again today in the morning, at 11 am, and again in the afternoon (food helps immediately)... peed a lot again... boobs = not all that sore... lots of heartburn... typical NON-PREGNANCY related symptoms.

Blogger Sucks

This is how obsessive-compulsive I am... I am letting this blog (that I started to help me relax and vent) ruin my EFF-ING DAY!

Yesterday I had so free time at work while the choreographer was working with the kids so I decided to write a long blog and post it later...fine. I wrote it in MSWorks and then emailed it to myself to post later that night... fine. Then I spent HOURS both last night and this morning trying to post the friggin' thing! The only thing that I can figure out is that blogger is a total bitch and (like me) wants things done a certain way. She probably got all pissed of about the MSWorks and email thing and then spent the whole night pouting about it and not allowing me to post my mediocre (at best) drivel about yesterday... . I think that I have figured her out and that I am posting in the "acceptable" way today. Hopefully she will forgive me and let me post this blog... if not I may have breakdown and throw this whole frigging computer out the GD window! (Which isn't fair... it isn't his fault that Blogger is such a whore).

As for today... feeling yucky... peeing a lot... nauseous... GROUCHY. I know that these are all psychosomatic symptoms that are just my imagination. My friends ay PW have assured me that there is NO WAY I could have even the teensey-ist symptom on CD19. And I know that they are right! So I either have a little bug or I am a little psycho...

...or a little pregnant.

PS - More words blogger spell check doesn't know... DRIVEL... MSWorks... and BLOGGER.

A watched pot... Part Deux

I think my mind is playing major tricks on me... Have felt tired and boob ache-y all day. I have become hyper-aware of the amount of times I pee during the day... and it is more than usual. On top of that, I have felt nauseous/ heartburn-y all day. Now, I KNOW that it is totally IMPOSSIBLE that I am feeling the early symptoms of pregnancy. Even if I conceived on Friday that would make me a whopping 5 days pregnant so I am sure that this is BEYOND psychosomatic. On the other hand... I read a story on the PW message board about someone who the doctor told that she miscarried in July only to find out that she is carrying 12 week old TWINS! It seems that she must have miscarried one baby of triplets! Wouldn't that be incredible? To go through the grief... to be basically symptom free for a month and a half and then find out that you are still pregnant and doing fine! (thanks for the diagnoses Dr. Dumb Ass!) I wonder didn't her doctor check her hcG to make sure they dropped to -5? Didn't he do a post-m/c ultrasound? Maybe Dr. F isn't so bad after all at least he didn't miss TWINS! . I don't think there is a snowballs chance that could happen to me. But, I do dream and wish and pray that someone would come in and announce that all this was a mistake and... surprise... I am still pregnant with a perfect little baby. It would also be fabulous because I would be 28 (or 19) weeks pregnant with no belly or weight gain... I LIVE IN A FANTASY LAND HERE FOLKS!

I looked at a pregnancy calculator and my new EDD would be June 12.

That is perfect timing for a teacher... of course at this point I wouldn't care WHEN the baby came as long at it gets here!!!

Please God... I am trying to look forward and be positive... just give me a little break...

A watched pot never boils... until it finally does.

Had a message on my cel phone this morning at 8:00 from Dr. F's office and my second Lupus screening (Antithrombin 3 and Protein C & S) came back normal! I was beyond shocked...

First of all... Dr. F's office never calls until I have called them 20 times and usually they call me back in the evening. Second... I was sure that I would find out that I had Lupus or some other terrible pregnancy complication condition. NORMAL???? This means that Dr. "Stay on Topic" was right.. that the test must have been taken to close to my miscarriage to be valid. I am so excited... this means that while I still have anticardiolipin antibodies (and will have to be on heparin shots and baby aspirin) but I do not have to go to a Lupus specialist because I am NORMAL!!!!!! Weird too, since I have started having all of the symptoms of Lupus since I read online what they were... I am an idiot.

This is such good news but it also gets me started wondering... is there anything really wrong with me or is it just my stupid bad luck to have to back to back miscarriages? I mean... we now have narrowed it down to 4 possibilities...
1. Non-doubling hcG - Possible need of progesterone supplements
2. An infection that we cleared up with antibiotics... Maybe... since I only took the stuff for 3 days... will re-check when I get a BFP.
3. This clotting disorder - need heparin and baby aspirin
4. None of the above... FATE.

So we are now cleared to TTC... which is good since that is all we did over the weekend!

PS - I think it is funny that I have a condition that the spell checker doesn't recognize... It wants me to re-type to anticrime, antiterrorism and antipasto every time I write anticardiolipins and antiphospholipids! heeheehee!

Sour Grapes...

Day 2 with the new baby aspirin and progesterone cream therapy.

Mr. D and I did it again this AM... that is a good try. Late in the day on CD13 and early morning in CD16. I have a new goal... more fooling around on the non-"right" days. I don't want to make Mr. D feel like a baby making machine. Plus, we should do it more... we are good at it.

Went shopping today in our local high priced rich-bitch shopping area. We even ventured into a high priced baby store that I LOVE... yet will probably never actually buy much from them because of the ridiculous prices. I love that we are back to TTC.. it is so hopeful. Sounds stupid, but for the first time in a long time I didn't feel like crying after looking at baby stuff. It's hard... dealing with the fact that you are no longer pregnant. I constantly think of where I "should" be with both of my pregnancies... had they "stuck".. Week 28 with the 1st... and week 18 with the second. Man.. I have to stop thinking about it or I will bring myself down!

Today was a lovely day here. It was rainy and cool and felt like fall. Knowing Dallas, tomorrow it will be 100 degrees again, but today it was nice! We walked around the town square and shopped and had a really nice time.

Met my brother for lunch. He did not look good... still no job in sight and no leads. He looked really sad and beat down and then I have to open my big mouth and probably make him feel worse. I feel like he needs motivation to get him out of the house and out filling out job applications... but my "motivation" to him is relentless nagging and as we sat at the sandwich shop I could tell that my talking wasn't helping. After we left I called Mom and Dad... maybe they can help him. But... someone needs to get through to him before he spirals any farther into this depression that he is in. I don't know what else I can do.

I have a choreography rehearsal scheduled in an hour. Boy was one of the parents pissed that I would "dare" to schedule a rehearsal on a holiday. Even though the parent AND the student had seen and signed the rehearsal schedule before I cast the show... she still had the balls to get pissy about it. uuuggghhhh! "Anyway", as I told the idiot parent (in my mind) , "the reason I scheduled a rehearsal on Labor day was so I could let them NOT have a rehearsal on the day of the Homecoming parade, the Homecoming game, and a stupid choir competition that many of them want to attend! Now get off my back, bitch! And besides... YOU SIGNED AND OK'ed THE SCHEDULE BEFORE I PUT YOUR DUMB ASS KID IN THE SHOW!!!!" Wow... that felt good!

Off to a fun filled 4 hour dance rehearsal on a holiday... what kind of ogre schedules rehearsals on a freakin' holiday anyways????

Reading is Overrated

Is it possible that a mere 36 hours after TTC that you are pregnant? And IF that is possible than is it possible that my boobs already know this and are starting to get sore? I have no idea why my boobs would be sore today unless that is a part of ovulation that I have never noticed before... yeah.. that is probably it.

I slept fitfully last night. I had very vivid dreams that I know were clear but I don't exactly remember them now... I think this AM I remembered them as I was waking up, but they are gone now. I also had sleep problems because the cats were restless and that always means they will be walking all over me and stepping on my hair during the night. My allergies are acting up... BAD... it is just that time of year. I went to the store and bought Tylenol Cold and Sinus instead of Advil Cold and Sinus... just in case. hmmmm... it is going to be a LONG 2 weeks.

Today I took my first baby aspirin. It is strange how this tiny tablet is supposed to thin my blood just enough to help a baby implant and stick. I will go on heparin as soon as we get a BFP, but until then I have started my own baby aspirin and progesterone cream regimen... just in case it works.

I went to 1/2 Price Books and found a depressing book called TRYING AGAIN. If I were going to write a book about TTC after m/c I would make it a very happy and positive book filled with cute pictures and lots of "it is gonna be ok" captions. I would probably get rich too because there does not seem to be a single book out there taking that approach. In fact, the books I saw are somber and stuffed with statistics that I am supposed to take comfort in yet don't. They all say the same thing... You might get pregnant again.. you might not. You might have a miscarriage again... you might not. And the thing that scares me the most... stillbirth statistics.

A paraphrase from the most scary and most depressing book I have ever looked at: "With heparin therapy the woman with antiphospolipid antibodies can raise her chances of having a live baby to 75%." Wow. Now, I am a teacher and no where in my mind is 75% an acceptable percentage. That is a "C" average percentage. My specialist, Dr. "Stay on Topic", was more hopeful because he told me my chances were BETWEEN 75%-90%. I'll take the 90% please.... This book also said that a 30 year old woman TTC each month has a 25% chance of actually conceiving and the average couple TTC 7-10 months before they actually do. Fuck.

Fallopian Swim Team

After a very subtle seduction scene... I managed to "convince" Mr. D that we should "officially" join the TTC crowd... again... (just in time on CD-13... I plan to do it again tomorrow on CD-15 too... Mr. D will be so surprised!)

When I woke up this AM I immediately began obsessing... Am I? Will I be??? What will happen? WHAT IF??? (jeez... I wish I could make the nut inside my head shut up!)

I rubbed a little progesterone cream on my belly for good luck... (does this crap really work???) At Nic's bridal shower, Christy, a girl we went to high school with (who is pregnant... with her 3rd!!!) walked right up and handed me an almost full pump bottle of the stuff. Apparently, she tried it ... like once... when she had a very unrealistic & unfounded fear that even though they had 2 other kids almost back to back, they might have trouble conceiving the 3rd... I guess Nic had told her about our pregnancy misadventures and she really was touched by our losses. (But still... kind of a weird gesture.) Now, I never really liked this woman. Even in high school... She used to cry A LOT and beg Nic to be her best friend and not mine.. why???... because she is CRAZY... for REAL... INSANE. But when she gave me the cream and told me she hoped her being there (pregnant) so soon after my m/c didn't upset me... my cold as stone heart kind of melted. So Christy, thank you... you are ok in my book (but FYI... you are still crazy).

I think I get worked up because our issue has never been actual conception... it is STAYING pregnant that we don't do well. So I think no matter when I get a BFP I will try to consider myself TTC until about 12 weeks. I feel I don't want to "get attached" until it is "safer"... sad huh? Good luck too... the minute that second line goes pink I am 100% ATTACHED no matter what I try to tell myself!

My goal is to think positive through my next pregnancy. I want to feel the normal happiness without the fear. I don't exactly know how I am going to tackle that, but I will let you now when I figure it out.

But for now.... Go swimmers!

E X P E C T I N G... not in the good way.

Well,I finally got the courage to call and ask about my bloodwork (re: possible Lupus... not pg) and the nurse was really nice... Really nice when she told me that they didn't have the results and probably wouldn't for a few more days!!! UUUUGGGGHHHH...

WHY DID THEY (the stupid lab people) TELL ME THAT I SHOULD "EXPECT" THE RESULTS WITHIN 24 HOURS!!!! THE SAID "EXPECT"!!!! THAT IS WHAT I WAS TOLD TO DO!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN OBSESSING FOR 3 DAYS... 72 HOURS! I HAVE BEEN "E X P E C T I N G" these results for the whole stupid time and now I will probably have to wait through the weekend! (AND hubby and I were planning to BD (I hate that term) to TTC THIS weekend!!!!!) It is more I am planning... hubby doesn't seem to want to know when "the days" are AND he thinks we should do what the perinatal specialist Dr. "STAY ON TOPIC and stop talking to us about theatre and showtunes and tell me about my blood work" said and wait until October. I just think October was an arbitrary month Dr. SOT picked because I saw him in August. My last m/c was in June... that is 3 months ago. I AM ON CD 13 AND I AM "EXPECTED" TO WAIT????????? Oh well the Dr. SOT said to wait.... probably because he knows the lab people are soooooo freaking SLOW

I HATE THEM ALLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

I think I either need to not wait for the lab results or get a condom!!!! Either way... we are doing IT this weekend! Should we throw caution to the wind or obey the doctor????

I DON"T WANT TO WAIT ANOTHER MONTH!!!!!!!! (unless of course I am going to have yet another m/c... if I am... then I think I'll wait.)

My Top Ten

Top Ten Things I Will No Longer Pray For If God Will Grant Me a Healthy Baby

1. To wake up and miraculously be 115 pounds and 3 inches taller.
2. To find a winning lottery ticket on the ground and become a zillionaire.
3. To let my divorced parents somehow fall in love again and remarry... Even though they have been divorced for many years and are married to other people.
4. To make all fast food (especially McDonald's) be discovered to be good for you.
5. To give me a job where I watch TV for a living and make at least $200,000 a year.
6. To make my dog Emmitt able to talk and tell me he needs to go outside BEFORE he pees on the carpet.
7. To let my hubby know that I am directionally challenged and that he should drive me everywhere.
8. To let me know how to play piano or ice skate like a pro without ever having to take a lesson.
9. To make all my students understand the importance of silence.
10. You give me a self cleaning house and a washing machine that washes, dries, folds and puts away my clothes.

Blind leading the blind...

Tonight I heard something on Tv that really inspired me. I wish that I could say that it was from a National Convention or some really smart news anchor... But it wasn't. It was from a show that I rarely admit to watching... Although I TiVo it religiously... I am ashamed to say that I was actually inspired by an episode of.... Nip/Tuck. The normally inane and frequently racy show introduced a new character tonight... She is blind. She had a line that really stuck with me...
"The one advantage to being blind is that you are not afraid of the unknown... Everything is unknown."
Fear had no control over her because there was so much to be afraid of that she became a risk-taker by force.

I teach acting... I push students to take risks in their work. I ask them to trust themselves and stretch muscles that are uncomfortable to stretch. I teach them that it is ok to be silly and to make a fool of yourself because out of such lack of control comes growth and possibly on a miraculous day... art. I ask them to believe in themselves and to learn to trust their instinct... even though we have been conditioned to ignore those "hunches" and to shut out the most creative and intuitive sides of ourselves. And the funny thing is... they actually do it. They actually grow and trust and believe and let the silly activities they practice in acting class become a permanent part of who they are. They love me. I hear them repeat things I have said to them as if a wise sage said it. They send cards and emails to thank me... They say that I have inspired them. They miss me when they graduate.

I am a fake. I am not a risk taker. I am afraid of so many things. My whole life revolves around my constant fear of the unknown.